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Out with Tina, reflecting on myself - Chronarchy

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April 25th, 2006


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10:32 am - Out with Tina, reflecting on myself
I went walking with Tina last night, and the discussion we had was mostly centered around my girl problems (which some of you know about, but most of you don't). She, of course, informed me that I was an idiot and possibly a jerk, but it was nice to talk to her about it (besides, she's more or less correct in her assessment of my situation). I missed that girl. A lot.

We don't really talk as much as most normal roommates do, mostly because I'm constantly away from the house, and the festival season is going to send me away more (I fly to Desert Magic a week from tomorrow!), so it was nice to just take an evening and spend it with her.

My relationship with Tina is one of those that I value highly, but I'm not really able to find ways to show that. I don't know what it is about our personal dynamics, but somehow, she never understood how much I loved her.

I have trouble, so much trouble, being forthright about my feelings, and it's affected other relationships as well. I was listening to the song "Nobody but Me" in the car last night, and the lyric, "Just because I took so long doesn't mean it isn't real," really caught my attention.

I'm working very hard to get more vocal, more active about things. But that's not really who I am. I'm . . . passive in general. To be perfectly honest, I'm never sure what a girl thinks of me. This may be why it's been so rare that I've managed to ask a girl out. That, and the utter disbelief that any girl could be interested in me, despite the airs I know how to put on to the contrary.

But the worst part is when I listen to that passivity even when I know, deep down, that I shouldn't, that it's not me, that it's not at all what I want.

But it's a mistake to learn from and not make again. It's an opportunity, a chance to step back and say, "Hey, idiot: you know better than that now. You don't have to repeat!"

review of Trillium upcoming
Current Location: Southeast of Disorder
Current Mood: uncomfortableuncomfortable
Current Music: "Coastal Confessions", -JB

(30 comments Leave a comment)

Comments:


[User Picture]
From:shes_unreal
Date:April 25th, 2006 02:38 pm (UTC)
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Well if being vocal about it just isn't your thing, can you try showing it in more gestures?

A girl ought to get gestures, if she doesn't she's being unreasonably dense.
[User Picture]
From:chronarchy
Date:April 25th, 2006 02:42 pm (UTC)
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I don't get the gestures. It'd be unreasonable for me to expect the girl to get what I don't. I know I need vocal verification: I owe the girl the same respect.
From:ex_acousticd43
Date:April 25th, 2006 02:38 pm (UTC)
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Sometimes I feel like I miss out on a lot of things due to being passive about most things.
[User Picture]
From:chronarchy
Date:April 25th, 2006 02:44 pm (UTC)
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*nods* I know. And it's not how I want to remember things. Getting off my ass and finally doing something about certain things has been, in some ways, a relief.

In others, well, an emotional rollercoaster :) And I don't much like rollercoasters :)
(Deleted comment)
[User Picture]
From:chronarchy
Date:April 25th, 2006 03:22 pm (UTC)
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*nods* yeah, I think we did go over that ground. You'd think I'd know how to take my own freakin' advice, wouldn't ya? *laughs*

But it's a part that needs some changin' in me. And if a magician can't change himself, he can't change anything.
(Deleted comment)
[User Picture]
From:gypsydove
Date:April 25th, 2006 03:16 pm (UTC)
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But it's a mistake to learn from and not make again. It's an opportunity, a chance to step back and say, "Hey, idiot: you know better than that now. You don't have to repeat!"

Not many get to say that, much less do that... grin.. you are lucky so learn from it.

and having Tina as such a good friend...is a blessing, not that you don't already know that... but she can tell you, things that other might not want to/ are able to...like you are being an idiot, and mean it nicely... not many people can say they have a freind like that...
[User Picture]
From:chronarchy
Date:April 25th, 2006 03:25 pm (UTC)
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I try to see every obvious mistake as a chance to learn. The trouble is finding the mistakes.

And yeah, I'm quite blessed with Tina. I know that. Which is why I'm willing to stay around her even when others tell me that's one of those "obvious mistakes" I ought to be learning from.
[User Picture]
From:ariansdreams
Date:April 25th, 2006 03:26 pm (UTC)
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I wouldn't worry so much at changing yourself. It's practically impossible, anyway. You just have to work with what you have, and the only thing I've found effective to change is your outlook on the world. In this case, your outlook on relationships.

Hell. I need to follow my own advice.
[User Picture]
From:chronarchy
Date:April 25th, 2006 03:55 pm (UTC)
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It's caused issues in the past. Gotta do something about it. :)

And we all need to learn to follow our own advice :)
(Deleted comment)
[User Picture]
From:chronarchy
Date:April 25th, 2006 05:20 pm (UTC)

Re: Avoiding the advice trap

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Hehe. That is an amusing turn. I like it.

That 8 word review is pretty much exactly what I'm going to write, but I'll be more verbose :)
From:ceolnamara
Date:April 25th, 2006 05:56 pm (UTC)
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Passive people, in general, eventually irritate me. This is in part because I am somewhat passive (until I hit some obscure level frustration, when I explode into Confrontation!Girl). It may not seem like it, since I can be incredibly confrontational, but I am. Passive + Shy + Short Temper + Passive = No Good.

But, that being said, I value your friendship, I like you as a person, and you amuse me more than you irritate me. And mostly, you only irritate me because of the whole No Planning Thing.

Anyway, I'm no good with words. But I hope that made sense.
[User Picture]
From:autumnfey
Date:April 25th, 2006 06:41 pm (UTC)
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I'm actually not surprised that you have these passivity issues, I have found it is the people you would least expect it of, to have the greatest self doubts. And I also know that no amount of reassurance will change how you perceive yourself and what you have to offer. The only advice I have is that no one has died of embarassment to my knowledge, so while you certainly have something to lose it is not the end of the world. That being said, I would advise you to add to your list of "girlfriend criteria" that she not be as passive as you. I actually did okay overcoming my inherent shyness at the beginning of relationships, there wasn't as much at stake. It is communicating my feelings after being in the relationship for a while that is very difficutl for me. If Ed was as passive as me, well, if we had made it this long it would be a pretty sad marriage. Having someone who knows and understands this about you can only help you overcome it. And I've found it is a lot easier to do with help.
[User Picture]
From:smithing_chick
Date:April 25th, 2006 08:29 pm (UTC)
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Well, here's one secret to being less passive. It's got nothing to do with being sure of anything. All it takes is deciding that doing something is worth the risk of failing.

Yeah, you're more likely to get hurt but I've found that I don't regret the things I've attempted to do & failed, just the things I've been to afraid to try doing.
[User Picture]
From:creature_tamer
Date:April 26th, 2006 02:32 am (UTC)
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What helps for me (especially recently) is to make a deal with myself before I'm in the situation (i.e. while I'm still comfortable and can think logically).

"I promise I will do xyz tomorrow, because I know this is something that needs to be done." I can't break a promise like that, so I really have no choice but to follow through. The comfort and logic might slip away, but the promise is still there.
[User Picture]
From:lisbet
Date:April 26th, 2006 04:58 am (UTC)
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I look forward to your Trillium review.

As for the rest, I would say don't worry about it too much. Just be yourself, and you will find your way. I'm not sure what your actual situation is here, but...on a good day, I'm a bit of a thelemite in theory and practice, so I'd always say if it's your true will to do or to experience something, you'll do it, no matter what, in some way, and it doesn't do any good to fret. A bit more complex than that perhaps, but I'm sure you've read enough to know the concept. And meditation on the tattwas (golden dawn version) always helps me to come to grips with things that have been eating at me from the inside out. That, and really hard rock and roll music. We each have our preferred poison...when I need to drown out my inner voices of negativity, I choose Metallica:)

Hey, have fun in AZ. Look after uberrod for me, will ya? I can't make it, so I'll be here taking care of the kitties while he's soaking up the sun and communing with Diana Paxson:)

P.S. Here's a small hint about girls: you'll probably never know exactly what they're thinking about you anyway. Don't let it worry you. It's probably something good:) Aren't you the same guy who has a harem? You must be doing something right!
[User Picture]
From:mandymay_2004
Date:April 26th, 2006 06:14 pm (UTC)
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Hey man, where can I join this harem lol jk. hmm I think that you can read the above comments again because they are good advice in my opinion and they basically covered everything. I do wish you better luck and happiness. And don't be afraid to contact me. I haven't heard from you in a while since I haven't been able to make it to PSA.

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