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June 19th, 2006


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11:05 am - Closure
Tina has informed me that she's looking for closure on our relationship.

She's asked me to write about it, for her, to give her an idea of what I was thinking, what I am thinking, and how I feel about it all.

I'm not sure how to do that. It's been over a year.

I'm worried that I'm just going to hurt her. Right now, I honestly feel like I cannot do anything right by any woman, that all I can do is hurt them. Telling a woman I am interested hurts them. Telling a woman I'm not intersted hurts them. Trying to ignore the question entirely hurts them. It's starting to look like I'm the problem.

I'm worried that she sees my attempts to find a girlfriend (as spectacular as those failures have been) have hurt her and made her think that I was just waiting for a breakup so I could be "free" or so that I could get away and date girls I always thought were better suited for me.

I'm worried that the emotional roller-coaster I've been on for literally months at this point have been affecting Tina. I wonder if she thinks that I didn't feel these things when I was with her, if she is hurt or angry because I have been so emotionally high and low.

I'm worried that actually getting a girlfriend will cause her to feel worthless, angry, or betrayed. None of those is right in my mind. She's worth so much to me, and I feel I never betrayed her. I love her deeply as a friend, and I value her and her friendship more than most of my other friendships in this world.

I'm worried that I'm bad for her, that living with me has been slowing hurting her over time, and that I've just been blind to it.

I'm worried about her depending on me for closure in our relationship. She's such a strong, wonderful woman, and I hate to think of her depending on me for anything.

I'm worried about what "closure" means to her. Does it mean that she'll leave my life forever? Does it mean that she hasn't been able to date because of me? Does it mean that she's just looking to be happy?

I'm worried that she honestly believes that I "moved on" without much trouble, that I wasn't hurt by the breakup, that I wasn't afraid of the future. I've seen that happen in other relationships, where one party perceived the other "moving on" at a faster rate and ascribed that to a general insensitivity. And that is simply not the case: I have just dealt with things differently.

What worries me most is that she has been feeling that I'm not as good and close a friend as I really, really want to be to her.
Current Location: Southeast of Disorder
Current Mood: worriedworried
Current Music: "If the Phone Doesn't Ring, It's Me", -JB

(23 comments Leave a comment)

Comments:


[User Picture]
From:ariansdreams
Date:June 19th, 2006 03:26 pm (UTC)
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*hugs*

I don't know what to say, except...I know how you feel. I've never lived with anyone, but your situation is very familiar to me.

In my situation, I told the guy that there was nothing he could do that would make me stop loving him, as what we had together was so magical and special that it could not ever be duplicated. I told him that it was incredibly hard not to compare every man I met to him. And even though I was over our relationship, and ready to move on, I wanted to be friends with him until I die.

I don't know if I helped. You are a good person. You will figure it out.
[User Picture]
From:chronarchy
Date:June 19th, 2006 04:59 pm (UTC)
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Yes, it's helpful. :) Thanks.
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From:mzwyndi
Date:June 19th, 2006 03:27 pm (UTC)
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My gods, man, that's a lot of sentences that start with "I'm worried".
[User Picture]
From:chronarchy
Date:June 19th, 2006 04:59 pm (UTC)
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There's a lot to be worried about.
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From:mzwyndi
Date:June 19th, 2006 05:47 pm (UTC)
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Well, a wise lady I know once told me this:

It's not your job to worry about managing other people's emotions. It's your job to worry about managing yours. If you're honest, if you take responsibility for your actions, and if you focus on acting from love and trust.... then you have done your part to avoid 99.9% of what you are worried about.

The rest, ultimately, is up to the other person.
[User Picture]
From:singingwren
Date:June 19th, 2006 03:30 pm (UTC)
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Show her this, Mike.
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From:khep
Date:June 19th, 2006 03:53 pm (UTC)
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I would attach this to whatever you give her.
From:perlgirlju
Date:June 19th, 2006 04:11 pm (UTC)
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I agree with the others, show her this.
[User Picture]
From:rfunk
Date:June 19th, 2006 04:41 pm (UTC)

closing coasters

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I can identify with a lot of this.

I suspect it'll be hard to get closure while you're still living together.

The rollercoaster line puzzles me; seems to me that a stable and healthy relationship wouldn't involve huge emotion highs and lows; that's a characteristic of an unstable relationship situation, which you've certainly been in since the breakup.

It sounds like both of you avoided dealing with some aspects of the breakup in an attempt to makes things easier, and instead you really just put off some hard stuff until later (nowish).
[User Picture]
From:chronarchy
Date:June 19th, 2006 04:57 pm (UTC)

Re: closing coasters

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The rollercoaster emotions aren't between me and her. It's between myself and others.
[User Picture]
From:rfunk
Date:June 19th, 2006 05:13 pm (UTC)

Re: closing coasters

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I know. You said, "I wonder if she thinks that I didn't feel these things when I was with her, if she is hurt or angry because I have been so emotionally high and low." Given what you've been going through lately, why would she want you to have gone through that when you were in a supposedly stable relationship with her?
[User Picture]
From:chronarchy
Date:June 19th, 2006 05:37 pm (UTC)

Re: closing coasters

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Dunno. It's just a weird, irrational worry. They happen. When I wrote this, I was thinking about worst-case things, really, not best-case ones.
From:bloodlikerain
Date:June 19th, 2006 04:53 pm (UTC)

feel free to tell me to bugger off.

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you should show her this.

but there really is no right or wrong way to get out of a relationship, esp one so deep. it'll hurt to struggle in any direction. just be, if possible, disconnect from the situation. disconnecting is not saying "i don't care". it's getting it a little further away away from your pysche so you can breath. living with your ex is a lot of things, but it is not disconnecting.
[User Picture]
From:singingwren
Date:June 19th, 2006 05:32 pm (UTC)

more thoughts, mebbe helpful, or not

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A line from a song made me think of you (and this):

"Don't try to find the answer
When there ain't no question here;
Brother, let your heart be wounded
And give no mercy to your fear."

You mentioned above that you were starting to think that YOU were the problem. I once made a similar remark about Accounting 'problems'. It wasn't the numbers that were wrong, I realized, but rather my interpretation of them; I let them skew each other and filled in blanks I did not yet know enough to fill. The more I clung to logic and previous experience, the more they both betrayed me! In the end, I lost to an enemy that should not have been seen as an adversary in the first place.

I do not see you being in this situation... yet. You're a smart kid and you know enough not to assume you have all (or maybe any?) of the answers currently. You ARE, however, in danger of letting what data you have skew itself until everything points in a completely different direction determined by worry and insecurity... so watch yourself closely. But do not watch so closely you change your behaviour according to presumptuous internalized expectations and not according to what your heart really wants. Sometimes I do that and it's trouble. You have a strong heart and I'm sure you'll follow it to the right place.

If you think you made mistakes with Tina, tell her that. If you really want to blame yourself as being a large part of "the problem," maybe you should think about why and figure out a plan of action to attempt to fix that. She may be searching for a comforting "I loved you and always will," but she may also be searching for a "This is why there is/was weirdness between us and this is what I can do on my side to help alleviate that." Or she may not want any of that -- I don't know what prompted this. Whatever the reason, just be as honest as you have been on here and if there is comfort or help to be given, it will be given. If there is none... make sure you ahve done the best you can, and then so be it.

Please hang in there, Mike. Flop on that hammock and relax.


From:weavingfire
Date:June 19th, 2006 05:35 pm (UTC)

I'll just throw this in with the others...

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You should show her what you've written.

Whatever comes of you and Tina (good friends, distant friends, no friends), your romantic relationship is over (unless it isn't, life is weird like that sometimes) and damn, it's really hard to move on when you are both still living with each other.

I think what Tina is seeing with you is what often happens when a relationship ends, both parties kind of swing about wildly attempting to get some bearing on who they are and what they want. Usually, though, the other party doesn't have to witness this and they can focus more on their own healing than who the other party is or is not dating. The fact that you are behaving so differently from "normal Mike" kind of plays on that, and probably freaks her out a bit and makes her wonder if the "normal Mike" wasn't the "real Mike." Probably. Not that I know the girl.

[User Picture]
From:chronarchy
Date:June 19th, 2006 05:45 pm (UTC)

Re: I'll just throw this in with the others...

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Are you also suggesting that I should tell her to move out?

I'll work it out, I'm not worried about that.
From:weavingfire
Date:June 19th, 2006 05:56 pm (UTC)

Re: I'll just throw this in with the others...

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Nope.

What I'm saying is "it's hard to move on when you are still living with the former partner."

I'm just saying that most people don't have to watch their former partner date other people, and I think it can delay the whole 'moving on' process. I do suspect though, that if you got a serious girlfriend, she probably would want to move out, personally, I would.

On a slightly different track, have you two considered going to counseling for a few sessions, just to hash stuff out?




[User Picture]
From:romandruid
Date:June 19th, 2006 05:44 pm (UTC)
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Y'know, for as smart a guy as I think you are, sometimes you miss the most basic points. Worry all you want, for all the good it will do you. You don't have any control over what anyone else thinks or feels -- only yourself.

Let me repeat that: You don't have any control over what anyone else thinks or feels.

By your actions you can hurt, but by your actions, no one else can *be hurt*. (We're talking about emotions, here, not whether you're likely to break my jaw with an uppercut.) You can call me every name in the book, and I can choose to let those invectives roll right off me. You can't hurt me if I don't let you -- no matter what you do. The point is you CANNOT take responsibility for what anyone else thinks, feels or believes. And vice versa -- everyone has a choice as to what will or will not "hurt" them.

Seriously, look at the verbs you used in the statements you wrote here, and who is the agent of each action. You can choose not engage in *deliberately* hurtful actions, but you have no influence over how anyone else reacts to your actions -- deliberately hurtful or otherwise.

Do, say, be what your heart tells you. It will be the "right" thing. There's absolutely no use in worrying about things over which you have no control.
[User Picture]
From:romandruid
Date:June 19th, 2006 05:45 pm (UTC)
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And **HUGS**
[User Picture]
From:deedeehopskotch
Date:June 19th, 2006 05:50 pm (UTC)

This is going to sound totally counterintuitive but..

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Maybe it's easier for her to think that you never loved her. You might be hurting her now. Yes, your relationship is over. Yes, that does free you up to see others. It doesn't make it hurt any less. Sometimes, as irrational as it might seem, thinking that the reason someone is acting a certain way is because they never loved you is the safest for them emotionally.

I'm so sorry you're still going through this. It really doesn't seem like this is going to heal any time soon.
[User Picture]
From:qorinda
Date:June 19th, 2006 07:02 pm (UTC)
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Aw, what the heck? I wasn't going to comment, but I decided I am going to, because what I have to say is a bit different than everything else I read above.

First of all, I understand the need for closure. BUT - since you two are still living together, she needs to define, closure of what? Is there still some level of possibility that you might get back together? Is there a certain understanding between you?

It sounds to ME that she is making demands on you to see what you will do. I know you love her and all, and that she is your best friend, but I get a sense of manipulation here.

I am friends with almost all of my lovers. But in every case, we had to put some distance between us for a few months, so that we could each re-find ourselves. Then, when we came back together as friends, we were able to capitalize on those aspects that keep us as friends, and not so much on the habits we had developed while in a "romantic relationship." It always took a distancing.

We don't have switches inside of ourselves that we can just turn on and off. It's a PROCESS to transmute and redefine a relationship.

And lastly, it sounds like she is saying that you are not meeting her expectations. Has she defined what those expectations are? To me, it sounds like the same issue you had when you WERE in romantic relationship. She has some sort of vague expectations of "friendship" that you are not meeting, like you are supposed to magically know what they are.

Sometimes, women are strange beings.....
[User Picture]
From:nontacitare
Date:June 19th, 2006 08:12 pm (UTC)
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I'm worried that she sees my attempts to find a girlfriend (as spectacular as those failures have been) have hurt her and made her think that I was just waiting for a breakup so I could be "free" or so that I could get away and date girls I always thought were better suited for me.

Have you asked her if that's the case? It could be you're right, or it could be that it never even occured to her. Asking might clear up a lot of misunderstandings.

She's asked me to write about it, for her, to give her an idea of what I was thinking, what I am thinking, and how I feel about it all.

You might want to ask her to do the same thing for you. I have no idea what she'd say, but it might put your mind at ease.

Tina has informed me that she's looking for closure on our relationship.

I hate to say it, but that's really hard to do when you're still living with the person. I'm speaking from personal experience here. You shouldn't ask her to move out - that's a decision the two of you should make together - but you might want to discuss the possibility with her.

Good luck with everything.



[User Picture]
From:smithing_chick
Date:June 20th, 2006 07:08 pm (UTC)
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I think you should stop worrying about her so much. Worry about yourself.

Don't worry about hurting her- chances are she thinks you have. Stop ignoring ways she's hurting you.

You can't give her the closure she's looking for- she has to get it for herself.

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