128. This world is full of strange behavior; every man has to be his own savior.

This experience occurred in March of 2001, when my friend Mitty, his brother Randy, and I ran away to Key West for a week. At least, that was the plan. We ended up driving from Columbus to Key West, sleeping in a pile in the back of the Mittyvan at a rest stop in south Georgia the first night, and spending the night at Camp Sawyer the second night. Yes, the picture at right is the place we stayed. . . and it looked very much like that, except that we had the whole campground to ourselves.

This isn't so much a description of our six hours in Key West, the coconuts we picked from the palm tree that morning for breakfast, the lovely German girl who took my picture on the beach, or the free parking we located on Eaton St, though. This is about an amazing cheeseburger and a strong mango margarita I was drinking an hour before noon that day.

The thing is, I wasn't much of a Parrothead back then: I'd heard some of the music, but by no means had I even begun to grasp the entire catalogue as I have more recently. I still misunderstood the lyrics of a popular song and believed that they referred to a "mean" kosher pickle, which gave me an interesting idea of what I should be eating.

The thing is, though, that the margarita, the medium rare burger, and the atmosphere in the café at 11 AM blended together beautifully, making my memory of the experience a sweet, soft joy in the back of my head. I recall so much about the experience, from the waitress with her soft voice and lovely hair to the smell of the sea air rolling down Duvall Street.

What I remember most, though, is the instant "My Head Hurts, My Feet Stink, and I Don't Love Jesus" came on over the sound system, the joy that lit up my friend Mitty's face, and his shout, "This is awesome! No one plays this song!"

Though I daresay that he might have been even more pleased with "Please Take Your Drunken Fifteen-Year-Old Girlfriend Home."

I was somewhat excited to see a Cheeseburger in Paradise restaurant had opened up here in Columbus. I was happy to go support Jimmy with my hard-earned dollars (not that my 19 legally-purchased copies of the song "Margaritaville" aren't doing enough), and by now I'd created the Jimmy Buffett ritual (which is still talked about in various circles within ADF), and so I made a trip up with my girlfriend and we sat down to eat after waiting briefly.

In contrast to what I remember about the experience in Key West, my primary memory of Cheeseburger in Paradise is of the menu. It was like an alcoholic's wet dream (forgive the pun, please), involving more ways to get drunk than there were food items on the menu. It was a bright, garish blue with odd yellows and oranges and reds thrown in for accents. It was several pages before I managed to locate the food.

Yes, there's something about gettin' rip-roarin' drunk in Buffett's music (okay, a lot), but the focus is never on the drinking (even in that most prominent of bar jukebox songs, "Why Don't We Get Drunk [and Screw]"), but rather on relationships, the joy of life, and (though few believe me) personal responsibility that leads to an easy lifestyle and brings joy to a responsible person. Even in WDWGDAS, the singer is looking for something more than a hooker and is trying to get to know the other person. . . granted, with alcohol helping, and perhaps I'm willing to read more than I ought, but the singer doesn't come from a state of "I don't care," so much as "I don't think that's true."

So when I was confronted by this menu, I was a bit lost. I mean, what the hell was I, a light drinker at best, to do with such a thing? Still, I ordered my cheeseburger and waited, listening to the Radio Margaritaville-style musical mix (mostly Buffett and Coral Reefer side-projects, with some Bob Marley thrown in for good measure). When the burger arrived, though, I was pretty disappointed: it was small, came with few fries, and (perhaps the worst crime) tasted unforgettably common.

I admit to being pretty disappointed. I suppose I would only have been more disappointed in the place if it had served manatee burgers. Can we say "not getting the concept?" Well, I could. Funny thing is, I'm pretty sure that Jimmy was rather involved in this concept, so I guess it's really just me.

Buffett, describing himself as "an old hippie" and "Southern radical," says now, "I'm an Obama person."

"Everybody knows my politics [he campaigned for Jimmy Carter and Al Gore and has played twice at Bill Clinton birthday parties]. But half my audience is Republicans — and that's OK. People should be communicating, which is the biggest factor to me."

He has been opposed to the war in Iraq since the beginning. "Anybody who makes policy in this country oughta have to walk by the Vietnam memorial on the way to work," Buffett says.

So why not vote for Vietnam vet John McCain? "I respect John McCain, but it's old stuff. John McCain is older than I am!"

"And world peace? I've got an answer for world peace. We take the money that it'd cost us to build just one B-1 bomber, you know that one that doesn't work? We change it into five dollar bills. We put all of this money into bags and we fly over the Atlantic Ocean, past Europe (because they're getting their shit together anyway). We drop this money on the Russian people. All those little tiny pictures of Abraham Lincoln come tumblin' down out of the sky.

I want them to feel those sawbucks in their hands. You know how your money feels when you accidentally leave it in your blue jeans and you take it out and it's all warm and soft, oooh!

Well we let those Russian people hang on to that money for about a week and then we fly back over there. We fill our airplanes full of mail order catalogs from L.L. Bean. From up in Columbus, Sporty's Pilot Shop. And Victoria's Secret!

The Russian people have this money in their hand, the catalogs come down. They look at those pictures on the opening pages of the Victoria's Secret catalog. (Not back in the outdoor section: you know what I'm talking about, right?)

They got the money, they got the catalogs: they're going to get the idea. They send all the money back to us to buy the stuff. We have full employment. There's world peace, and the Russians have crotch-less underwear through the twenty-first century!"

( More about women, music, bubblegum country, and Hank Williams spinning in his grave )

• Jonathan Coulton - "Re: Your Brains"
• Watershed - "Can't Be Myself" (link to portion of the song)
• The White Stripes - "You Don't Know What Love Is (You Just Do As You're Told)"
• Cake - "War Pigs" (cover, of course)
• Ben Kweller - Penny On the Train Track" (a must see video if you're feeling down)
• The Gin Blossoms - New Miserable Experience (album)
• Dierks Bentley - Long Trip Alone (album)

"Sail the main course, sail it in a simple, sturdy craft.
Keep her well stocked with short stories and long laughs;
Fast enough to get there, but slow enough to see,
Moderation seems to be the key!"
    -Jimmy Buffett, "Barometer Soup"

167. So bless me Father: yes, I have sinned; given the chance, I'll prob'ly do it again.

1. Asking people to think before they speak is apparently "asking people to pretend to be something they're not."
2. I was never self-conscious of my finances until I got an email about how privileged I obviously am yesterday, and was, in fact, quite proud of how I've been handling them. I'm back to being proud, though.
3. When I started a Grove, I didn't realize how much homework I would end up assigning myself. I just don't know enough right now to write this rite. And that's a lot of homophones.
4. At some point, I would like to take a road trip to Springfield, IL. There's a mural on the wall of the Illinois Supreme Court that I want to see (you know, since Eris is on it . . . Well, Discord to be exact, but it's close enough for government work, and it is a government building). The more I think about it, the more obvious it is that I need to do this. Of course, I'll probably combine it with a very long overdue trip to Kansas to see the family, and maybe stop by the Protogroves in Urbana-Champaign and Kansas City for a rite or something. I hear there's also a Grove near East St. Louis now, too.
5. My carport is clean, my back yard is shaping up, and the front yard is next to be tackled. And, it looks like I've kept my promise of clear skies tonight, at least so far.
6. This morning, I remembered the feeling I used to have every day when I was in college, where your body feels healthy and ready to go, strong and awake. It's a wonderful feeling, and one that I sorely missed.
7. Wellspring isn't exciting me at the moment, for various reasons. Part of this has to do with a feeling of "missing out" on last year's Wellspring and being "left behind", part is a feeling that I'm going to have people demand that I "explain myself" on things (though I don't believe that I've done anything wrong to deserve that), and part is just that I have the traditional Han Solo "bad feeling about this."
8. I really, really miss some of my best friends.
9. Today's Buffett Oracle:
   
       203. What works for me might work for you.
   
   Thanks, Jimmy. I have some ideas of how I want to spend an evening this weekend.

64. I'll put on my Bob Marley tape and practice what I preach.

1. Is there some code among girls that, if a guy makes you a mixed CD or mixed tape, he's "totally into you"?
2. Why do I have no Patsy Cline in my entire music collection? How has it taken me this long to notice?

1. Don't Stop the Carnvial by Herman Wouk - I am Norman Paperman on my best days


2. Peter Pan by J. M. Barrie - "Peter Pan would understand his schemes, dreams and ploys"


3. The Little Prince by Antoine de Saint-Exupéry - It's the sword in the stone, don't you see?


4. Where Is Joe Merchant? by Jimmy Buffett - Frank Bama and I are kindred spirits, with the same problems and the same god-damned resolution issues.


5. A Salty Piece of Land by Jimmy Buffett - That wasn't Tully Mars checking in. It was me. I hope I check out half as fortunately as he did.