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June 10th, 2009
02:45 pm - Musings on Chaos Magic
Many years ago, I read a certain article about chaos magic, one that struck me as rather poignant. It's called "GO UNDERGROUND and be a CHAOS MAGICIAN" and is form Joel Biroco's The Exorcist of Revolution. While it's generally an aimless meandering through Biroco's brain (though not at all uninteresting), the thrust of it is that Chaotes cannot be a part of the corporate world and really practice their craft to its greatest depths and heights.
It was from this essay that I first got an image of the peddling magician, creating amulets out of discarded aluminum cans and bits of string and held together with old chewed gum, a sort of modern day begging priest, or goes for you Hellenes out there. I have always liked this model, always thought that it was something that we need in this society, and always thought that there might be a place for me to do such a thing. Well, perhaps not the discarded gum part.
Re-reading the essay, though, brought me to think on it a bit more than I had in the past. I would fall into the "nine-to-five magician" category that Biroco holds up: I live in a corporate world, and the thought of quitting right now does, indeed, scare the hell out of me. I'm pleased with my job, where I am, and where I am going. Contentment, which I'm sure would be frowned upon by Biroco, is something I know in this place right now, even if it is sometimes a bit stressful and often a very hard job.
On the other hand, I purposefully did not arrive here through magical means, nor through ritual, nor even through prayer. I did no work other than the work of my own hands to make it here, put on no ceremonial clothes outside of the suit I interviewed in and the clothes I chose to wear daily, spoke no incantations beyond the statements made in my interview, and manipulated the selection process only by submitting a resumé. Biroco's "nine-to-five magicians" ignore their impulses for a more romantic life, and direct their mystical work toward their own career direction.
Suddenly, I fit the one-tracked, stunted "nine-to-five magician" mold a bit less.
In many ways, I find that the focus I have now (and have always had, though sometimes to greater extent than others) on being careful about what I practice magic for and who I practice it for/on has mitigated some of the limitations of the corporate world that could trap a guy like me: I practice neither on nor for myself. I've developed some interesting amulets over the years (the Cthulhu amulet being one of my favourites), done some amazing sigil work, involved myself in healing rituals that went better than I could have imagined, and given offerings for all sorts of people in amazingly sacred spaces (high on Mt. Olympus and beneath the Temple of Apollo at Delphi being the best of them). All this work was done for others, or at the request of others, and there's very little direct benefit to myself. Certainly, none of it is directed at my choice of career path.
Do I agree with Biroco's thesis, that I am not the magician I could be were I free of the shackles of oppression that the 9-5 world has clasped me in? I think that he might be right on that point. The other half of his thesis, though, that exiting society's rules is the only way to go, that it somehow naturally creates the Chaote and brings him/her to a state of deep magics with great heights, is flawed.
Chaotes are self-made: there Biroco and I appear to agree fully. What I don't agree with, though, is that environments themselves are enough to set our fates and overcome the self-making process.
We are who we are because we wish to be ourselves: no more, no less.
Current Location: Southeast of Disorder
Current Mood: busy
Current Music: "The Great Filling Station Holdup", -JB
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April 21st, 2009
05:56 pm - Trillium 2009, and a joyful return
It's true that I haven't missed a Trillium in five years, but it's also true that I don't think I've ever said, "Let's get out of the sun" at Trillium, either, until this year.
Trillium is that festival, you know? It's the one that, the first time you went to it, you said, "Wow, I really need to go to more festivals, because this is awesome!" It's the festival that turns you on to the festival circuit in ADF, that kicks off a year of camping and seeing old friends and meeting new ones all over again.
In short, Trillium reminds me why I'm an ADF member, year after year. It is the closest thing ADF has to a true Spring of Renewal, and I cannot imagine a festival season without it.
Though I was late coming to Trillium this year (I arrived at 2:30 AM on Saturday morning, missing two days of the festival), it didn't at all affect the amount of joy I felt at simply being there. Met by ![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif) sleepingwolf and Chris at the fire that night, we spoke for a while before I finally put up my tent (in the usual campsite) and fell asleep.
The next morning, I finished my presentation and then went out for a stroll. It was a real pleasure to visit with folks for a very extended period of time for a change, to not be hurrying to the next workshop or worrying about ritual parts. Of course, then I was asked to take the omen at the main rite, so I guess I did end up with a part.
My workshop was entitled "An Awfully Big Adventure: Signposts on the Final Journey of Indo-European Souls," and it focused on the journey a soul experiences in the "generic" IE afterlife (with culturally specific information thrown in to make it applicable, of course). I had been listed on the schedule as "Surprise!" because I had utterly failed to get valkyrvolva a title for the workshop since I'd had so little breathing time to reply to her mailings before the actual event.
I like to think that my workshop was a pleasant surprise. I know it was for me, because in writing the workshop, I came to a new understanding of death and how I, myself, see it. But that's for another time.
After my workshop, I ran into town to do some thrifting (because Trillium is nothing without thrifting, so say I!), and then came back for the main rite, where I did some divination once I realized it was my turn to do something.
At the ritual, we were also privileged to meet Margaret, a new addition to the ADF family, and a beautiful baby girl. druidkirk did a beautiful presentation of the child to the folk (don't listen to him if he tells you he screwed up), and we all got to meet her up close.
The omens for the rite were:  ,  , and 
The bardic circle was great, with acousticdryad leading the thing. I remember the first time I heard her singing at Wellspring so many years ago (I honestly thought it was a recording of some great artist at the time), and her voice just gets better every time I hear it. She kept the Bardic Circle running smoothly and gave it an oh-so-subtle push when it started to run out of steam. The Circle itself ran long into the night, with some drumming, but mostly people telling stories about their encounters with divinity, singing a song, or telling a joke. In all, it was one of the best Bardic Circles I think I've ever been at.
Sunday morning saw me up early again, and I grabbed breakfast (an awesome fudgesicle) with druidkirk and then caught up with sleepingwolf for a project that we decided simply needed to be done. I stuck around a bit to discuss next year's Trillium (the theme will be "magic" and I've volunteered to present on "Creating Magical Entities" already), and am already looking forward to doing this all again.
I have to say, it was one amazing weekend. I'm so much more relaxed today than I was when I left on Friday: good friends, good conversation, and a comfortable place to sleep will do that for you, though.
Yeah, I wouldn't trade my Trillium experiences for anything in the world.
Current Location: Southeast of Disorder
Current Mood: ![[mood icon]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/mood/classic/smile.gif) satisfied
Current Music: "Wonder Why We Ever Go Home", -JB
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December 12th, 2008
10:34 am - Something I'm thinking about today
When did you last pray? Last do a ritual? Last attend something with your spiritual brothers or sisters? Last take a hike and look with wonder on the world and feel full of its beauty and promise? And, if you're not the spiritual sort, when did you last do whatever it is that fulfills you?
I don't often give instructions via LiveJournal, but today I'm going to:
Find something that fills that need within you, and do it.
It will always help.
Current Location: Southeast of Disorder
Current Mood: enthralled
Current Music: "The Pascagoula Run", -JB
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August 15th, 2008
11:27 am - Making a Special Triptych
Last night, I spent a couple of hours making something that I'd like to share with everyone: a triptych.
Now, because this is me, you know this is not going to be just any triptych. No, I created a triptych based on one of my favourite myths, a sort of little portable Pagan shrine or altarpiece.
My triptych is the story of The Original Snub.
( For more, including a picture detailing the items on the panels, read on. . . )
Why, yes: this little triptych will be for auction at Summerland next Saturday.
Not preregistered for Summerland? Get Pre-Registered! Today is the last day to pre-register!
Current Location: Southeast of Disorder
Current Mood: amused
Current Music: "Smart Woman (In a Real Short Skirt)", -JB
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July 24th, 2008
11:52 am - Ancient magic and misogynist magicians
So, as many of you know, I'm a big fan of authentic (or authentically reconstructed) grimoires of ancient magic. The Greek Magical Papyri (or PGM for short), the Sepher Ha-Razim (a reconstructed Jewish magical text), and a variety of other sources really interest me. (For a selection of bits that really interested me a couple of years ago, check out my "Authentic Chaos" pages, which have transcriptions of a number of the spells.)
I have a very academic curiosity about how these spells worked, and I would love to try a few out, you know, just to see what happens. On occasion, I have, and some of the stories have been posted in my LJ and on my website.
Most of them, however, I can't manage to actually try. Either they're too fragmentary, too manipulative for my modern Neo-Pagan sensibilities, or just too generally disgusting for me to ever be willing to admit that I did them. (And who wants to do magic that they can't boast about, really? If you're not taking credit for at least twice as much as you actually do a spell for, you're not a real magician.)
Interestingly, I have fewer issues with things like drowning kittens and scooping the eyes out of doves and then setting them free in order to obtain love than I have with one particular line in a lot of the "purification" requirements:
"You may not approach a woman in her menses" I mean, what the hell?
I can't tell you how often I've come across a perfectly awesome (and non-animal-mutilating) spell for something really cool only to have it require this stupid little instruction.
( in which I think about why this is mentioned, and how much I really dislike the concept. . . )
The issue really comes down to this: I really object to the idea that purification requires staying away from mensturating women (which implies that they're somehow "dirty" or "impure"), but I'm such a stickler for "authenticity" when it comes to trying out new (old) things that I generally just skip over these spells when I see them.
Maybe it's time to start re-writing some of these old spells. That sort of thing isn't new to me: I've done it many times. But I've always had such a violent reaction to the idea that women in a specific (and natural) state are somehow unclean that I've never even attempted it.
It's interesting to me that spells designed to incite lust in married women never specify, "and could you please make sure she's not, you know, bleeding everywhere?" You'd think that would be important, given their clear obsession with it. (For convenience, we're going to ignore my obsession with their obsession for now.)
Slimy, misogynistic ancient magicians. . .
Current Location: Southeast of Disorder
Current Mood: amused
Current Music: "Tampico Trauma", -JB
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May 29th, 2008
08:51 am - Colour the Grey, baby
I belong to a group of magicians called (variously) "N14" and "ColourTheGrey". The goals of the group are many (primarily having to do with magically advancing human rights and new hope without the fear of nuclear war, imminent environmental destruction and the false promise of wealth-in-the-future-brings-happiness), and there are still about 84 members of the email list (which saw several hundred messages per month during the WTO protests of a few years ago).
Today, the ADF Office received this little gem of spam:
Tired? The world is grey? Can't see sunshine?
Take this <spam link removed>
(Girlfriends not attached!)
I've always found spam interesting, really. Here, we have something that promises to open your eyes to colour and sunlight, to enliven you. But, in the end, it's up to you to go out and do something with it (otherwise the girlfriends, I suppose, *would* be attached).
It's the Chaote's truest dream, right there in a little spammy pill offering.
The dreams of N14 are good ones, beautiful things full of colour and life. I know that most people look at Chaos Magic as if it's all just gloom and tentacles, child-like chest-pounding and bird-flipping stick-it's. N14 is what I grew up on as a Chaote, though: it was my deepest magical experience.
Perhaps it's time I write of it more fully, rather than selfishly remembering the glow.
The world needs more Chaotes willing to go the extra mile.
Current Location: Southeast of Disorder
Current Mood: awake
Current Music: "The Hangout Gang", -JB
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May 6th, 2008
12:48 pm - Lectures, rites, and festivals . . .
I was fortunate enough to be asked to give a presentation on ADF and Discoridanism yesterday. This meant that I got to talk about two of my favourite things ever during my lunch hour. I was very pleased.
Dr. Urban asked me in to speak on these things to his class, which is doing an entire quarter on "Neo-Paganism, Witchcraft, and Satanism". The next class meeting is on Chaos Magic and Play, and I had a wonderful discussion with the class (well, I enjoyed it. . . I hope they did too. . .)
I'm spending the next few days working with the ADF Dedicant Path Documentation, trying to work up a monthly schedule for Grove Meetings. I'm also working on the outline for the next few Druid Moon rites, since I realized that as I head out to Desert Magic, I'm leaving shawneen_bear and tanrinia without much guidance, and because we're still feeling this out, I want to make sure that we get that guidance in place in the future.
This next rite is a lovely fire ritual, so I'm excited to see what they come up with.
It's odd, but with Desert Magic right around the corner (I literally leave from work tomorrow to go to the airport) I find myself most excited about Summerland coming up in August. . .
Current Location: Southeast of Disorder
Current Mood: busy
Current Music: "Tampico Trauma", -JB
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February 8th, 2008
05:54 pm - Church Crumbling
 I have watched with interest as the UK press has sensationalized comments by Archbishop Rowan Williams recently, particularly with headlines like today's "Archbishop of Canterbury argues for Islamic law in Britain" and the "Archbishop says nativity 'a legend'" (of course, Fox News got in on the fun with that second one, so it's not just the Brits).
What interests me most, though is that something like either of those (which are obviously just completely out of context headlines) would cause some Pagans to leave an organization, if the head of that Org did that.
I imagine that the thought of leaving their church (as an organization) very, very rarely crosses the mind of a Christian, particularly someone born and raised in that faith. Christians seem, in general, far more likely to hold onto their denominational identity than Pagans do. Even in the case of a major break (such as the Anglican Communion has recently experienced, with American churches joining communion with Nigerian churches or the Worldwide Anglican Communion), rarely will they leave their denomination over something so small as a difference in belief, politics, or who gets to be ordained.
Pagans, in general, are an interesting mix of "joiners" and "leavers." We join organizations like they're sweet candy, and we leave them like they're so many wrappers. This may have something to do with the little, tiny ponds we swim in, or it might have more to do with the general protestantism of Neo-Paganism, where every person is their own priest and just as able to contact the divine as the next guy wearing a dress. Whatever it is, it interests me terribly.
If a Pagan church didn't ordain women, the Pagans would leave. If Skip (ADF's Archdruid) said the US should adopt Sharia (or was quoted as saying that), people would get huffy and probably decide ADF wasn't for them (and, of course, probably without asking him about it). I have a feeling, too, that this might also be a percentage sort of thing: 200 people leaving the Anglican Communion is a drop in the bucket compared to 200 people leaving ADF.
It may also be a question of the amount of work someone wants to put into an organization that they feel doesn't match with their path any longer: becoming "unchurched" is a lot harder than not renewing your ADF dues or ceasing to attend coven functions: you actually have to actively work at it (I still get notices from a number of churches I belonged to as a kid, here and there around the Midwest. . . ADF, PSA, and N14 are as easy to stop hearing from as unsubscribing from a mailing list; the Christian churches would take active contact to stop their missives. . . I can't even simply move without them finding me).
Anyway, it's interesting to watch conflict within a church from several angles in several different churches. It could be an interesting spectator sport: "Church Crumbling" is what I imagine it would be called.
I need some popcorn now. . .
Current Location: Southeast of Disorder
Current Mood: awake
Current Music: "Rancho Deluxe", -JB
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July 16th, 2007
06:14 pm - I'm Okay.
Have faith, and you will be okay.
Have faith, and you will be okay.
Have faith, and you will be okay.
There are no words, no words except the ones above, that can describe the complete 180° my life just made.
There's a magical working to be discussed in the very, very, very near future, I think.
My life changed today. And I can, indeed, take credit for it.
Current Location: Southeast of Disorder
Current Mood: shocked
Current Music: "Landfall", -JB
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February 16th, 2007
10:12 am - Ritual for others, and seeing how it affects me. . .
For the most part, I've never really been in a position to be doing rituals for others. I've always invited them along, or asked them to do a part, or offered to do a part to them (you know, when the situation called for it).
Recently, though, I've found myself in a position where workings and rituals can't be performed by the person who needs it, and so I become their proxy. It's deepening my magical and spiritual work on the one hand, and on the other it's opening my eyes to whole new pantheons and ways of looking at the world.
Recently, I've been working a lot with Irish deities, a group that has never really gotten along well with me (with some notable exceptions). This alone is an interesting experience, but approaching a deity you have never had a relationship with is somewhat strange. I often feel like I should produce a letter of introduction, something from the person who I'm representing, but that's not always possible, either.
But there's no real discomfort, so much as there is real strangeness to it. Fortunately, the Chaote in me thrives on that sort of feeling, and the Priest sort of goes along for the ride. It works out well in the end, I think.
It also may be very helpful that I've worked with some of the weirdest, most indescribably terrifying deities and religions out there. I mean, sure: I'd rather work with Cthulhu than Kali any day, but how scary can Kali really be when you've seen that dream-encrusted eye in R'lyeh open slowly and stare right through you? A bunch of arms and a couple of human skulls ain't got nothin' on that experience.
The process of working for others, though, presents a unique problem that I have always had an eye on: time spent on others reduces time spent on the self. This aspect, in particular, where I am increasing the amount of religious work I do for others, could have a detrimental effect on how much religious work I do for myself.
But, I think, it is awareness of this potential and a strong sense of what I need that will keep me from feeling that effect.
Current Location: Southeast of Disorder
Current Mood: ![[mood icon]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/mood/classic/confused.gif) curious
Current Music: "Dreamsicle", -JB
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January 24th, 2007
11:48 am - Magic and some new DVD's . . . plus some storytelling
 "Come, come to my house," reads one section in the Semitic language that is supposed to be the snake's mother speaking, trying to lure him out of the tomb. In another passage, the snake is addressed as if he is a lover with "Turn aside, O my beloved." Classic, this text is, in terms of magical inscriptions. It may be the oldest text in a Semitic language, and, of course, it's magical.
Of course, the researchers are wild about its age and its connection with pre-Cannanite linguistics, which is all well and good, but it's magic, Baby!
Modern magic isn't like its grandaddy. It's been reformatted in a lot of ways to reflect that moderns don't really feel like they can (or, perhaps, should) affect reality in amazing ways. The ancient world's magic involved such creative things as masquarading as Moses (the greatest of Jewish magicians), pretending to be archangels and commanding the legions of lower-order angels to do piddly tasks, and making women "burn until they come to me." In the above example, the magician masquarades as the snake's mother and then as his lover in order to cause the snakes to leave.
In all, ancient magicians sure talked a lot of shit.
Modern magicians don't really do this. We tend to focus on change on a really small scale (generally within ourselves) or a really amazingly huge scale (e.g. changing the world so that it's got more "positive energy" floating around in it). Our results are not measurable, nor are they often testable. We avoid using magic to find things, obtain love (all the ethical "love spells are bad" dogma is amazing), and hurl fireballs down the street.
We talk in very . . . uncertain terms about what our magic can do, or will do. If asked to measure our success, we often don't produce a lot of tangible evidence, or we dodge the question entirely by saying, "Magic is too important to be used for experimentation."
I sometimes wonder: is this because we have little faith in our magic, or because we are afraid of what might happen if it actually worked?
Or is modern magic just not as strong, useful, or (possibly) egotistical as ancient magic? Which then begs the question: is it then inferior or superior to ancient magic, and can we even make that comparison bear fruit?
( On a totally different subject: Bruce Campbell, Jennifer Garner, and Lewis Carrol. . . )
Current Location: Southeast of Disorder
Current Mood: curious
Current Music: "Nautical Wheelers", -JB
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December 15th, 2006
10:38 am - Book shopping for myself and the Grove
Last night, I went to Borders, since the Grove liturgy meeting got canceled.
There, I picked up three things:
- The Dreams in the Witch House and Other Weird Stories by H.P. Lovecraft
- A Moleskine notebook for a project I'm working on
- A blank book to replace (if necessary) our current Grove sign-in books.
The first book, of course, is self-explanitory. The entry I wrote yesterday, along with the amazingly fruitful (and still on-going) discussion in the comments with ferrelux should sum up most everything I have to say about that book.
The second book I picked up because I realized that I really don't journal enough. Part of that is because I never have paper when I want to. What I would like to start doing is taking quick notes that read something like this:
12/15/06; AM
religious: 3
magical: 5
chaos magical: 7
Druidic: 4
Discordian: 2 I want to indicate how I feel, on a scale of 1-10, about my worldview: when is religion, magic, chaos, and any other factor at its highest? Can I chart it over time? Does the cycle vary by time of month, phase of moon, or day of week? If I can grab these vital stats, I think I can get an interesting outlook on things.
The third book stems from the idea that we might have lost our sign-in books for the Grove. Which is mostly okay: they'll turn up, I'm sure, eventually. I'm working on the theory that someone accidentally took them home at the last rite and will bring them back. But rather than see this as a net loss, I want to look at it as a net gain: we can do things we have never done in the past, things that we really ought to be doing. I sent this email to my scribe the other day:
If we are still missing the sign-in books on Saturday, I think I'd like to pick up a new one.
I have just realized that we can turn the loss into an opportunity for growth:
The book should be a sign-in book for each rite, as it has been.
But after each rite, we should pass the book to a) the person who took the omen and have them write out the omen, b) the person who led the rite to write out how they think it went, and c) the SD (or another member if the SD led the rite) to give their impressions.
I think we could get a lot more out of the rites if we did that, plus we'd find ourselves with a solid history.
Presuming, of course, that we didn't lose the damn books again. :) As I was thinking more about this, some things dawned on me: we can generally model it after the Book of Ceaderlight and the Book of Sassafras.
There is a lot going on in my mind now about this, but again, we can turn loss into real gain for the Grove. I'll show the Grove the book I bought on Sunday at the Yule rite. It really is nice and well-bound. Plus, if we ever need to scan it in, it'll lay flat enough to do that.
Current Location: Southeast of Disorder
Current Music: "Makin' Music for Money", -JB
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December 14th, 2006
01:45 pm - Seeking the Sunset City
Altogether, it was not well to meddle with the Elder Ones; and if they persistently denied all access to the marvelous sunset city, it were better not to seek that city.
-H.P. Lovecraft, The Dream-Quest of Unknown Kadath I've been reading the stories Lovecraft references in The Dream-Quest of Unknown Kadath and remembering why the Cthulhu mythos interests me so deeply. This started when I picked up a copy of Phil Hine's Pseudonomicon and started reading again. I like Hine's work, really, even if it is more than a little weird sometimes.
Last night I read Pickman's Model and The Cats of Ulthar. I started on The Other Gods and will likely finish that tonight. Also on the list is Celephais. None of these are long stories (The Cats of Ulthar is the shorest), but I am hoping to understand The Dream-Quest of Unknown Kadath a bit better through reading them, and perhaps one day seek the sunset city on my own.
I am not sure I can explain why Lovecraft's horrors fascinate me so, but they do, probably because Cthulhu, Yog-sothoth, and Shub Niggaruth are not, to me, "real" entities, but rather embodiments of real things that we as humans have not and never will explain. They are not "real" like my gods are, even when I work directly with (or, as the case is more likely, succumb to) them, which is rare in its own right.
Really, it was Hine's article Cthulhu Madness that sparked this interest. Each step into the mythos creates a thirst for a deeper step. The mythos explains things perfectly: the age of a place, the depths of what humans are capable of, and the raw power of primeval nature. In this mythos, answers are not given. In this mythos, answers are felt. Cthulhu does not bring madness; he brings clarity and perspective that are otherwise inaccessible. It is the clarity and perspective that is gained that others believe to be madness.
I like to think of my interest as more sophistocated than the teenager who buys the paperback Necronomicon and tries to scare his parents or friends with it. I don't know whether it actually is. Working with Lovecraftian mythos is strange, in that it draws you in. The world as Lovecraft describes it doesn't make sense to those outside of it, who never enter it. Slipping into the mythos has been described to me as "stupid", "immature", "poorly thought through", and "frightening."
The thing about the Lovecraftian mythos, though, is that it doesn't have any power over those who don't choose to step into its world. When Lovecraft bumps against your world, you can escape easily, so long as you, personally, don't take that first step into the darkness. It's an easy dismissal, an offhand acknowledgement of its fictive and imature nature. It can be written off as simple stupidity or weirdness. Nothing can force you into the Lovecraftian mythos; indeed, the sanity of Thurber, who viewed Pickman's model, is not truly in danger: he avoided the madness merely by refusing to take that first step.
Entering the mythos is something that is done voluntarily. You cannot and will not be dragged in. In every story, as in every initiation into every mystery, everything begins with a voluntary step.
In other news, perhaps Slepnir was a deer, not a horse?
Current Location: Southeast of Disorder
Current Mood: ![[mood icon]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/mood/classic/thinking.gif) thoughtful
Current Music: "Nautical Wheelers", -JB
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October 30th, 2006
05:36 pm - There it is.
There's the change I need to make. I can see it clearly.
I've been having trouble with something in particular recently, regarding this paradigm shift I've been working out (details are forthcoming, really).
And today, I saw that I'm afraid of the shift in some ways. In others, I'm not at all. I see its utility and its necessity, and I see the way the shift could go without it, and that's also attractive in its own right.
Esus, guide me to cut the right branches, to cut them the right length, and to cut them with the knowledge that I have to. This shift isn't chaos magic. It's a reunderstanding of myself, a deeper hope, a stronger dream. It is acceptance and strong movement at once. It is like standing in the middle of a violent storm, and seeing all the ways things can go, and knowing you have to choose, that the storm won't stop until you give it direction, that it will continue to consume you.
What makes us happy is not always what is best for us.
What is best for us doesn't always make us happy.
The doors that open match the doors that close, and things move to make sense in ways you never expected.
I know, I'll get some crap for being vague.
But I find it clear. I really do.
And that, alone, is scary. But I've learned nothing in my relationship with Esus if I haven't learned that sometimes, the scary is what you really need to do, because it's the best thing.
The trick is doing the scary stuff right.
That couldn't be me in the gorilla disguise. . .
Current Location: Southeast of Disorder
Current Mood: calm
Current Music: "This Hotel Room", -JB
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October 26th, 2006
05:36 pm - A pocket full of gold coins. . .
Today, I found myself with a pocket full of gold coins.
(This often happens when one leaves the post office.)
A sneaky, mischevious grin tugged at the corners of my mouth and sparkled in my eye as I left, though, because I could think only one thought:
"I am a Chaote, and I have a pocket full of gold coins."
My question to you all, all the people on my flist, is this:
"If you were a Chaote, and you had a pocket full of gold coins, what would you do?"
I'd make it a poll, but something tells me some answers might be longer than 255 characters. . .
(feel free to tell me, too, if this scene seems as . . . dangerous/mischevious/frightening to you as it does to me)
Current Location: Southeast of Disorder
Current Mood: amused
Current Music: "Presents to Send You", -JB
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October 15th, 2006
02:15 pm - Back to the Waypoint
So yeah: I made it back to Chicago last night.
Now, it's back to Columbus. I guess I am coming back.
On my trip, though, I learned a lot, shifted my paradigm, and brought something back for singingwren.
Sorry, singingwren, but you'll have to wait until I put up an entry tomorrow. . . I have an entry just for you, locked and loaded.
Current Location: Southeast of Disorder
Current Mood: amused
Current Music: "Silver Wings", -JB
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October 4th, 2006
10:21 am - Dreamsicle, and shifts
Tell my story
Pain and glory
Guess my occupation
Free and easy
Warm and breezy
Overnight sensation
The song "Dreamsicle" has always reminded me of deedeehopskotch in particular.
Today, it speaks to me on a deeper level, particularly about things to change, ways to change them, and a paradigm shift I need to make to survive.
And when I chose the current usericon ("Danger: Paradigm shift ahead") last night, I had no idea that I would end up doing just that this morning.
Guess my occupation. . .
Current Location: Southeast of Disorder
Current Mood: piratical
Current Music: "Dreamsicle", -JB
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September 12th, 2006
08:03 am - This Entry Does Not Exist.
erienc asked me if I was happy. It was not my answer that scared me, it was the assurance with which I could say it. I was not. And I told her that flat out.
I am exceedingly unhappy right now. There are some central causes of this, and I know what they are. The problem is, the idea of changing those central causes so that they are no longer causing this is making me ever more unhappy.
I'd complain about it and say that I don't know what to do about it, but that's not the case.
I'd like, though, to have the time and the space to work through each issue one at a time, in my own order, as I think they need to be addressed. I don't want offers of help or even to be asked what these causes are. I don't even want to be treated like I'm unhappy. Mostly, I want this journal entry to be written, but to be dead: it doesn't actually exist.
Why do I want to go that route? Why do I want to pretend that things that are so damn real to me just. . . aren't? Because that's how I work through things. I know who I can go to and what I can go to them for, so there's no worries that I am slogging through things alone: I have the best friends, religious community, and family a guy could ask for.
So yeah: this entry isn't here, you aren't reading it, and I'm the same guy when you see me next as when you last saw me.
It isn't a mask of happiness. . . It is happiness you see on my face.
And you know that last statement is true: it's the statement a happy MJD would say, and there's no question of that. MJD's don't live in denial: for us, there is no such place. There is only the reality we live in, and that reality is made up of things we accept.
Current Location: Southeast of Disorder
Current Mood: busy
Current Music: "Trying to Reason with Hurricane Season", -JB
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September 1st, 2006
01:46 am - From my scratchpad
ABRAHDBR, = The Voice of the Chief Seer
A
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R B
A
A¤A
DH
B R
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A
Horus Dominating the Stooping Dragon
A
/ \
R———B
A——B A——H
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A——D R——A
Trigrams of I Ching
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Current Location: Southeast of Disorder
Current Mood: ![[mood icon]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/mood/classic/wink.gif) weird
Current Music: "Wonder Why We Ever Go Home", -JB
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June 27th, 2006
11:35 am - divination, anyone?
"No, Solomon, it was a good dream. But the game wasn't over."
"It never is," Solomon said. "So let's go to work."-A Salty Piece of Land, p. 179 Today's Buffett Oracle is as follows: 140. Once you see that no one really wins, then the magic begins.
My random Chaos Working for the day is "Today or tomorrow, find a way to meet someone new. Learn something interesting about that person, believing that there is no such thing as a boring person."
And I'm thinking about a baseball game.
I think that today's agenda is obvious to me.
I would really like to add in another oracle. I'm on the lookout for one to put in. Anyone got ideas of where to find one, or perhaps an oracle I can create on my own? I have a runic one in the works, but it's proving more difficult than I'd hoped.
Current Location: Southeast of Disorder
Current Mood: amused
Current Music: "Love in Decline", -JB
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