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October 5th, 2009
01:30 pm - Initial digestation of an Initiation
It took me twenty-four hours for my body to get back to where it was before my initiation: until about 8 PM last night, I was so exhausted, emotionally and physically, that it was hard to smile or converse. The drive back down to Columbus seemed to take all day (though the company of ![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif) kargach and romandruid was exceedingly welcome and helped immensely), and I found myself stretching my back, wiggling my fingers, and cracking my joints as often as possible just to relieve some of the pressure that seemed to be everywhere on my tired, worn out body. I don't think I have ever been quite so exhausted.
I really feel like I should have taken Monday off of work, giving myself two full days to recover from the experience. I also need to take a good look at my robe, as I fear that this initiation may have been its last ritual: I was not kind to it throughout the rite, and it may be stained and torn beyond simple washing and repair.
I am, of course, still processing everything. As a result, expect to see three journal entries shortly as I describe what three particular lessons I've learned, and the work that will go along with them. I've already mentioned them before, but feel a need to go more in depth on what they (broadly) mean to me: focus, center, and joy.
I'm not sure what else I'll post publicly about. It is not up to me to reveal the three tests I underwent, though the Clergy Council witnessed two of them and I suspect that word will get around as we initiate others when uninitiated witnesses speak of the tests they've seen (the third was witnessed only by my initiators and, partially, by my fellow initiate): in hindsight it was pleasant to be surprised by the form these tests took, and what they were in particular (I had been ignoring all posts related to the Initiation purposely). I wouldn't want to "spoil" it for anyone, but suffice to say that anyone who has done the work and been dilligent about completeness and depth will pass the first two. The third is harder to prepare for, though Trance 1 and 2 will likely bring the candidate the required skills.
I do suspect that I will post about the omens I received. I am still digesting them, and taking them to heart: two were generally positive, two were generally worrisome, but all were promising to an optimistic reader. . . and those who took the omens were optomistic, so I don't have to read that optimism into the spreads on my own.
I'm looking forward to hearing my oath (it was mostly extemporaneous, but recorded) so that I can go back and write it down and keep the wording with me. Fortunately, the journey upon which it was based leaves a solid impression, and I need not worry about the general notions behind it being forgotten any time soon.
Two things were taken with me into the initiation that I wish to mention, though. First, when I was consecrated as a Dedicant Priest within ADF, I was given a bottle of mead by tlachtga. I did not drink it then, but held onto it, with an intent to break it open to celebrate my ordination as an ADF Priest in a few years, when I took that next step. As I thought of the sacrifices I must make, though, I knew that this bottle was not for me to keep, but for me to offer: something that I had attached such a special significance to, something that I had held onto for so long, and it became the ideal sacrifice to the Ancient Wise. . . for I offered to them a gift I meant to share with my closest friends, from one of the most special occasions, from someone I respected deeply. This drew them nearer to me, and brought them into that *ghos-ti relationship in a way I have always wanted to do. It was a matter of breaking out the best of the best, the "special" drink you have been saving for just the right moment. . . and that moment was perfectly right.
Second: About a year ago, sleepingwolf sent me a bull pin. I had never worn it before Saturday, but something told me to grab it before I left. As I underwent the most frightening portion of my Ordeal, I felt weight of this pin, and the pin of three silver cranes my Grove presented to me at my consecration, upon my breast. That weight reminded me that no matter how scared I was, no matter how much I wanted to call out, I was supported by friends, family, and the Kindreds in ways I had never known before. These two pins were the only ritual items I took with me, and their presence was a deep assurance as I faced that fear.
To all those who were with me at this rite, in prayer, in silence, or in spirit, thank you. Without my community, I know that I would not have passed even the first test this past weekend.
Current Location: Southeast of Disorder
Current Mood: ![[mood icon]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/mood/classic/smile.gif) full
Current Music: "Last Mango in Paris", -JB
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May 2nd, 2009
08:24 am - An understanding of death
 It was a sort of odd feeling, in the wee hours of the Trillium morning [review], when I came to an understanding of death and what it meant to me.
I was writing my workshop, entitled, "An Awfully Big Adventure: Signposts on the Final Journey of Indo-European Souls," and was describing the things met along the way to the Otherworld: the two fires that separate the soul and the body, the various wells and waters, the ferryman who carries you across, the dog who devours, and the king of the dead himself. Over the past few months I've been dealing with death in various ways, considering my own views on it.
I probably ought to back up for a moment: I'm not much of one to dwell on afterlives. In general, my attitude has always been one of "we don't know, and won't until we get there." This has served me pretty well, honestly, for many years, and I have never thought of a coherent afterlife theory as being a requirement for leading a religious life. I had a (perhaps very Indo-European) view that it's not where we end up in the next life that matters, but how we act and what we do in this life. Sort of an expansion of the "it's not the destination, it's the journey" notion that folk often spout out.
Anyway, as I was finishing up the workshop, I found myself putting the pieces together in my head. Using Bruce Lincoln's Death, War and Sacrifice: Studies in Ideology and Practice, I discovered that I was coming to very different conclusions than Lincoln did about what happens after death: his theory was very pessimistic; mine turned out not to be.
In the end, Lincoln responds to the IE myth by saying that there is nothing after death at all: "the otherworld," he says, "[is] nothing more than the grave."
My own response is very different. Death, in an IE sense, really means something: escape from the greedy monster of old age, escape from worry and care, an opportunity to live forever in bliss or knowledge, and (perhaps most importantly) a chance to maintain the cosmos in an ultimate way: to be bound by the Rta or Xartus in the most physical and lasting way possible, by reversing the cycle of creation and thus maintaining the cosmos.
I took my cue for this from the Rgveda, of course. . . Hymn X.16, a hymn regarding the funeral.
May your eye go to the sun, your breath to the wind: go to the heaven and to the earth according to rule, or go to the Waters, if there it is ordained for you! Among the plants to take your place with your limbs! In other words, when you die, the things that formed you at your creation are returned to the cosmos, to live forever within the cosmic order.
I summed this up some time ago in an ancestor prayer you may have seen, not knowing that I would return to it during this workshop, and find myself understanding death as a result of my writing it:
When you were born,
The earth became your body,
The stone became your bone,
The sea became your blood,
The sun became your eye,
The moon became your mind,
The wind became your breath.
When you passed to the Otherworld,
Your breath became the wind,
Your mind became the moon,
Your eye became the sun,
Your blood became the sea,
Your bone became the stone,
Your body became the earth.
When we were born, you did the same for us:
You called forth the earth and rocks;
The sea arose and the sun descended;
The moon shone down and the winds sang.
For those who come after, we shall do as you did for us
When we are gone, we shall do as you did before. When I gave that workshop later in the day, I suspect a sense of my awe at the epiphany was pretty conspicuous, though I tried to hide it as best I could.
In many ways, I'm not ready to face the death of someone I dearly love, no matter how near that possibility may have just been for me, but I find myself now with a more complete toolkit for dealing with it when it does, inevitably, happen to me.
Current Location: Southeast of Disorder
Current Mood: surprised
Current Music: "Tryin' to Reason with Hurricane Season", - JB
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March 23rd, 2009
05:03 pm - Busy life, lots to do. What's sleep?
Holy crap, I've been busy. Busy, busy, busy. It's not lettin' up, and is (in fact) getting worse.
Yesterday was a great ritual, though I've got that usual sneaking suspicion that I oughtn't try new things at ritual, because sometimes when I do so, I can muck up a perfectly good rite without any help.
On the bright side, though, I got my first light sunburn of the year and I'm happier for it.
We both know we live in different orbits
Different islands different worlds
Though we really are the same
I'm just glad, glad we started talking
Finally realize no one is to blame
I'm working very hard to keep up on my email recently, and doing a fair job of it. Of course, I'm only going on about three or four days of "keeping up," so it's not really worth much.
I've been watching a lot of movies and TV shows in what little down-time I have. Maggie and I are currently in the middle of re-watching Firefly (Grr-Arg). I'm amazed that I have any free time at all, and I often feel like I'm wasting it, getting virtually nothing done when I should be getting craploads done in all cases. There's so much to do, and I just can't really prioritize as well as I used to be able to. I'm pretty sure that I'm neglecting nearly everything I need to do in favour of work.
I want to do what's right, I want to do what's fair
I sent my dad a copy of the HBO John Adams mini-series recently, and I hope he enjoys it. More to the point, I hope he got the DVD player he got last year hooked up to his TV.
Here's hoping that the ADF Clergy Training Program Third Circle will be approved soon. I need to try and get it sent out for wording and discussion on the Clergy Council, but dunno if I'll manage it tonight. . . too much to do, as usual. But, if we get it approved, it'll be the first time since the mid- to late-90's that ADF has had a program of study that could take someone from new member all the way through ordination as an ADF Priest.
This excites me immensely. Immensely.
Yeah with a tin cup for a chalice, fill it up with good red wine
And I'm a chewin' on a honeysuckle vine
Current Location: Southeast of Disorder
Current Mood: busy
Current Music: "Tin Cup Chalice", -JB
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November 29th, 2008
08:59 am - Dreaming of Guns
Last night, I had a dream that I was assigned to take a gun away from a man, so a few of my friends and I went down to the bowling alley to get the guy's gun. He came in and handed it over peacefully, and I went to check the gun to make sure that it was unloaded and that the safety was on.
This gun had four "safety" settings, along with a setting that told you what each setting meant:
The settings (followed by what they meant) were:- Standard: Safety Off.
- Challenge: You could only fire it in a specific zip code
- Safety: you can't fire the gun at all
- Bible: you could fire the gun as God intended you to when he wrote Genesis and our Constitution.
I totally need to go hunting with my uncles sometime over Thanksgiving, clearly.
Also, I finished Divination 2 last night and put it on my website :) CTP 2 is ready to go to the Council of Lore in the next couple days (I think it's passed the Clergy Council yesterday, but I have to get back home to properly count the responses), which means that our clergy students can finally finish the second level of training. Which means that I can finish the last four courses that are on my schedule on the front page of my website.
Go Team :)
Current Location: Southeast of Disorder
Current Mood: amused
Current Music: "Trying to Reason With Hurricane Season", -JB
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October 14th, 2008
04:41 pm - A new prayer: for obtaining an interviewed-for job
Last weekend, my parents met Maggie's parents for the first time.
Huh, that looks like it might almost be important. You know, like serious and stuff. And I don't want to give it short shrift, but by the same token, something far more important is going on in my life right now. And, of course, that something is a prayer.
I've been working on this prayer for obtaining a new job. While I'm unhappy with the meter, the format, and a bunch of other things, I really enjoy the sentiment:
Obtaining a Job Interviewed For
When Lugh came to the gate, he was challenged:
"What art do you practice, what skill do you bring?"
Said Lugh, "A wright am I, a fixer of wheels."
"A fixer of wheels we have, we need you not."
Said Lugh, "A smith am I, a worker of steel."
"A worker of steel we have, we need you not."
Said Lugh, "A warrior am I, a champion famed."
"A champion famed we have, we need you not."
Said Lugh, "A harper am I, a singer of tunes."
"A singer of tunes we have, we need you not."
Said Lugh, "A hero am I, a man of great might."
"A man of great might we have, we need you not."
Said Lugh, "A wizard am I, a sorcerous man."
"A sorcerer we have, we need you not."
Said Lugh, "A leech am I, a knower of herbs."
"A knower of herbs we have, we need you not."
Said Lugh, "A bearer am I, who carries the cup."
"A cup bearer we have, we need you not."
Said Lugh, "A brazier I am, a worker of brass."
"A worker of brass we have, we need you not."
Said Lugh, "Is there one who knows every art you need,
One who is ideally fit for all things you want?"
Said the gatekeeper, "A man like that we have not,"
And he heralded Lugh to the king, and brought him inside.
Lugh of the long arm, many skilled and deeply talented,
Who interviewed at the door, and was granted the king's seat:
I raise my voice in praise to you and seek your favour.
Let it be known that none other can do what I can.
Let it be known that none other fits in this place.
Let it be known that none other has all my skills.
Let it be known that none other they have interviewed
is better able to do all the tasks that are required.
Lugh, shining god with the long arm,
This I pray to you.
Current Location: Southeast of Disorder
Current Mood: ![[mood icon]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/mood/classic/angry.gif) stressed
Current Music: "Buttermilk Grove", -JB
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April 24th, 2008
09:33 am - Cancer Run/Walk [Komen Race for the Cure]
Over the past year (or, in some cases, longer), my family has been dealing with cancer in various ways. We're not exactly low-risk, I've noticed. This goes for both my "real" family and my extended [ADF, PSA, and other Pagan] one.
The Grove and I have been walking in the Susan G. Komen for the Cure Columbus race each may since either romandruid brought it up the first time as a service project for the Grove in 2004. We've had varying attendance throughout the years, but as I've thought more and more about it, I want to make sure that we bounce back to at least 8 people walking with our Grove. At $25 per person, that's $200 for research.
(I'd also like to have people who can't make it or can't walk 5 clicks or who don't want to get up to do it, "Sleep in for the Cure," which entails buying a $25 sponsorship and not bothering to show up.)
The Race is in downtown Columbus, on Saturday, May 17, 2008, at 8:00 AM. We usually walk instead of run (we often refer to it as the "amble for the cure" given the speeds we reach), but you can do either.
Please, mark your calendars and let us know if you'll be walking with us (or sleeping in and dreaming about walking with us). Everyone is welcome.
[Oh, for those interested, I've updated Chronarchy.Com.]
Current Location: Southeast of Disorder
Current Mood: awake
Current Music: "One Particular Harbor", -JB
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January 27th, 2008
09:51 am - Adventures in Linux (or, Saving Six Study Program Documents from Certain Doom)
Not long ago, I actually got "real" internet access at home. This consists of the cheapest possible DSL connection that I could possibly obtain: $15/month, which I split down the center with Tina. Since it's on my phone bill, it's not an extra bill, just more like an extra feature.
I also received red_sput's computer from my parents at about the same time. He had run into the classic confusing issue of "Windows just shuts down before fully booting," which indicated that there was some sort of issue with his WinXP installation. I offered to look at it, but he bought a new computer back in November, so it wasn't really urgent.
When I pressed the power button, the computer sprang to life, and I watched in amusement as the entire thing booted and popped into Windows with no problems at all. "I have it working," I told my father, who had seen it not work before. "What did you do?" he asked. "I turned it on." "Huh, nothing else?" "No," I said, "nothing else. There's a magical aura that tech support people have that makes it impossible to replicate an issue once the computer is in their hands. I have that aura."
It turns out that the issue was a combination of spyware, viruses, and (as I soon found out) a faulty hard drive.
Since then, I've been playing around with the machine (and am currently typing on it). I've used it for all sorts of things, from gaming to updating the Three Cranes site. But two days ago, I heard that ominous clicking on boot.
The hard drive had gone. Gone, daddy, gone.
While there was nothing of actual importance on this machine, I did have some ADF Clergy Training Program work saved on this machine and it was not yet backed up. While I can always re-write some of this stuff, I was kicking myself for falling victim to something I've told many, many Dedicants over the years: back your work up!
As a result, I went back to a solution I used last time a hard drive died: Linux.
( Geeky stuff ahead, but interesting )
In short, I think that the older versions of Knoppix are what I recommend and will probably stick with if I actually have to do anything in the future.
For the really short term, though, I'm just going to get a new hard drive for this bad boy and use my flash drive to back everything up until this one finally craps out. While it's on its last legs, I did manage to get back into Windows and boot from the hard drive. I noticed yesterday that the hard drive had appeared in Knoppix, meaning that it's working temporarily. So for now, the machine is intact. Sorta.
Did I mention there's also a c-clamp holding the monitor together?
I love computer repair and support. It can be so. . . ghetto.
Current Location: Southeast of Disorder
Current Mood: amused
Current Music: "Mac the Knife", -JB with Frank Sinatra
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July 25th, 2007
05:52 pm - Seattle
I'll be in Seattle on Sept. 15 for the Ohio State game.
Not sure if I'll have a chance to see anyone (it's a very, very quick trip to hang out with my bro, red_sput), but I may.
Details, hopefully, forthcoming.
Current Location: Southeast of Disorder
Current Mood: cheerful
Current Music: "Take Another Road", -JB
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July 24th, 2007
10:40 am - Guitars, classical basses, chainsaws, and bonesaws
So, I'm now the proud owner of the family guitar. There's just one problem: it's in dire need of a re-string. After fighting with the thing for about two hours last night, I have come to the conclusion that the current strings simply cannot be tuned: they are not only older than me, but frayed in places, anyway, and the sound. . . well, bagpipes sound almost musical in comparison.
So, for those of you who play guitar, could you let me in on what brand I should seek out, and what I might expect to pay? I know a lot about classical stringed instruments, but next to nothing about guitars. I suspect that there's not much of a difference at the most basic level, but just because one knows a lot about chainsaw blades doesn't mean they know anything about bonesaw blades.
So, please do enlighten me: I need something fit for learning the instrument, and something that provides reasonably warm sound for a low cost (all strings need replacement). The guitar is an acoustic, and a fairly cheap one at that (we are not a very musical family, I'm afraid).
It would be nice if they also tuned easily, but I'm used to fighting with tuning.
Now, I just need to find my pitch pipe, which is around here somewhere. . .
Current Location: Southeast of Disorder
Current Mood: amused
Current Music: "Turnabout", -JB
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May 18th, 2007
09:03 am - Thinkin' about "stuff"
- Asking people to think before they speak is apparently "asking people to pretend to be something they're not."
- I was never self-conscious of my finances until I got an email about how privileged I obviously am yesterday, and was, in fact, quite proud of how I've been handling them. I'm back to being proud, though.
- When I started a Grove, I didn't realize how much homework I would end up assigning myself. I just don't know enough right now to write this rite. And that's a lot of homophones.
- At some point, I would like to take a road trip to Springfield, IL. There's a mural on the wall of the Illinois Supreme Court that I want to see (you know, since Eris is on it . . . Well, Discord to be exact, but it's close enough for government work, and it is a government building). The more I think about it, the more obvious it is that I need to do this. Of course, I'll probably combine it with a very long overdue trip to Kansas to see the family, and maybe stop by the Protogroves in Urbana-Champaign and Kansas City for a rite or something. I hear there's also a Grove near East St. Louis now, too.
- My carport is clean, my back yard is shaping up, and the front yard is next to be tackled. And, it looks like I've kept my promise of clear skies tonight, at least so far.
- This morning, I remembered the feeling I used to have every day when I was in college, where your body feels healthy and ready to go, strong and awake. It's a wonderful feeling, and one that I sorely missed.
- Wellspring isn't exciting me at the moment, for various reasons. Part of this has to do with a feeling of "missing out" on last year's Wellspring and being "left behind", part is a feeling that I'm going to have people demand that I "explain myself" on things (though I don't believe that I've done anything wrong to deserve that), and part is just that I have the traditional Han Solo "bad feeling about this."
- I really, really miss some of my best friends.
- Today's Buffett Oracle:
203. What works for me might work for you.
Thanks, Jimmy. I have some ideas of how I want to spend an evening this weekend.
Current Location: Southeast of Disorder
Current Mood: awake
Current Music: "Buttermilk Grove", -JB
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March 29th, 2007
06:31 pm - Going back to an old lover. . .
 I find it interesting that, according to everyone I've spoken to in the military, Bernard Fall's Street Without Joy is no longer read in either OCS or ROTC courses. It was required reading in my Vietnam War class, and I picked it up again because I just didn't have the time to really absorb it the first time through.
And all I can say is, "Wow."
I understand better now, my father's constant insistence that this Iraq war is nothing like Vietnam. He's completely right. Reading about the destruction of Groupement Mobile No. 100 (GM 100) alone shows the relief sharply. (Of course, this doesn't make Iraq right, but I expect that comparisons to Vietnam are going to bug me worse than Sept. 11th's comparisons to Pearl Harbor.) Road 19, Mang Yang Pass, and Chu-Dreh Pass are like nothing we have seen in Iraq.
When we became involved in engagement in Vietnam, after the French left, Street Without Joy was required reading. It described the French debacle perfectly, explaining why better armoured and armed troops were at a serious disadvantage to an army that walked everywhere, carried everything on its back, and had few outside sources of supply. "The picture he draws is not a pleasant one," the foreward to the book reads. "He presents for critical inspection two widely divergent military philosophies, one built on the mobility of the individual soldier, the other resting on the mobility of armies." And there was the central, pivotal point that Fall makes.
Had Fall not died in 1967, victim of a Vietcong explosive on the Street Without Joy, I wonder what he would have said about the fall of Saigon in 1975.
I know it would not have been kind, regarding our policies.
But I find myself happy to have picked this book up. I've been in religious studies, a love of mine that has come from my need and want to understand what I'm doing as a priest, too long. I needed to get back to my roots, my love of military history, a love long forgotten and gathering dust on the shelves.
It is, of course, just a past love, one that will return to the shelves soon in favour of more religious studies work. But for now, I needed it.
Now, the object is to finish the last 150 pages of this book before next Thursday, so I can take something lighter and easier to carry to Greece.
Current Location: Southeast of Disorder
Current Mood: ![[mood icon]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/mood/classic/thinking.gif) contemplative
Current Music: "Live is Just a Tire Swing", -JB
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March 14th, 2007
10:04 am - Children aren't always the wisest voices in the room. . .
When I was a kid, probably 10 years old, I was listening to the song "Soul Man" by the Blues Brothers in the car, and probably singing off key and loud.
I turned to my Dad when I heard the line, "I was educated at Woodstock," and I said:
"I feel sorry for him, if he was educated at Woodstock."
And now, a good 17 years later, I find myself wishing I had been educated at Woodstock.
Current Location: Southeast of Disorder
Current Mood: working
Current Music: "Train to Dixieland", -JB
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March 5th, 2007
02:36 pm - On passing when you're worried you can't. . .
 My Bro passed his CPA exam, and yours truly pulled a 97% in American Sign Language.
Most of my grade (indeed, 300 full points) I owe to tesinth. He sat around and recorded 26 takes, straight through, of me signing ten sentences for my first assessment.
Then he sat through 75 takes of me signing 10 sentences one at a time for the second one (stupid me, I thought it'd go faster if I did them like that).
I honestly didn't feel I could pass this class for a long time. After the second day, when our interpreters left us alone with our deaf teacher and a half-day of signing instruction under our belts, I felt certain I would fail this shindig.
I got a lot of amusingly "kick in the ass" sort of encouragement, some of which bordered on the line of "if you can't do this, you obviously suck at this Chaos Magic thing and don't deserve to call yourself one anymore."
Well, here's news: I didn't think about it like Chaos Magic at all. It was, unfortunately, not good advice for me, I found.
I thought about it like fencing.
( Fencing? You bet. )
Current Location: Southeast of Disorder
Current Mood: thankful
Current Music: "No Woman No Cry", -JB
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December 19th, 2006
09:09 am - Amusement in the posting world, and timing
 I am most amused when I think about writing a post to LJ, and then someone does something completely unrelated while I'm thinking about it, but what they did would make them think I was posting about their situation when really I'm just thinking out loud.
Ah, politics. How I love thee.
Some recent topics I've wanted to mention but that have been interrupted by people doing, asking, or learning something unrelated:
- My hat.
- Clegy confidentiality issues I've dealt with recently.
- Vacations from people/things.
- Clergy vocations and their nuances.
- The clergy "job" and whose clergy I realized I am.
- ADF elections, thinking about running for stuff I've been nominated for, and why.
- Some discussion points from Saturnalia
All in all, nothing that's really inflammatory. Knowing, though, that formal complaints can (and have) originate from my LJ postings, and that people get their panties in a bunch if they think something is about them, I generally say, "Eh, screw it. Most people don't want to hear my thoughts on the subject anyway."
And it's not just here that timing gets messed up by what people say/do. When Tina and I were dating, she would occasionally make a comment about how she "never gets flowers" from me. The best way to ensure that you won't get something from me, I found, is to ask about it: because then, I feel like if I do get you flowers, you'll think I'm only doing it because you mentioned it.
And the funny thing was, it can make me turn around and change my plans entirely: if I was thinking about getting you flowers that night, woops! No more flowers for you! You'll know that I'm getting them out of guilt, even if I was planning for a week to bring you some that night. And I won't be able to talk my way out of it, either: you'll know that it was all about the guilt, not about the love.
I imagine that a lot of guys feel that way, and it happens quite often: guy who rarely gets his girl flowers or jewelry or something will get it into his head that it's time to do that, and just as he's about to do it, she'll say something to him, like "why don't you ever get me flowers?" and he'll think, "Well, I can't do it now!" And the cycle will repeat.
I would wonder if women go through the same thing, but I admit: I cannot conceive of it.
I suspect this is also why birthdays don't do a lot for me, and why I'm almost always late with Christmas/Yule cards. As the time approaches, I start to think, "Gee, they're going to expect this. I don't want to do it anymore." Once the time is passed, they might find themselves getting a very late card or present.
Current Location: Southeast of Disorder
Current Music: "Buttermilk Grove", -JB
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December 6th, 2006
10:19 am - Gifts for the holiday season. . .
Some confusion appears to have sprung up around what I might want for Christmas/Yule/Solstice/Saturnalia/Kwanza/Hanukkah/Ramadan/whatever. I'm pretty easy-going and don't actually require gifts (while I like getting them, I'm never going to be miffed that I didn't receive anything), but I get bugged by people from time to time about what they can get me.
At least six people have asked me what I want, which leads to the central issue: I want something that you want to give me. I don't really like holidays because people get all consumed by getting someone something because it's a holiday and they're supposed to get someone something for that holiday. It's part of why I have so many problems with birthdays, particularly my own: I don't like the expectation inherent in the system.
Of course, informing people on good ideas sort of causes problems with my general preference of not telling people to get me things, or telling them exactly what to get, but hell, I figure I'll make a general post that includes some ideas in particular and some definite no-no's.
Things I might be interested in:
Things not to get me, ever, are these:
- Stuff for my altar. I know you mean well, but whatever it is, unless I've specifically asked for it (and I have done that once), I don't want it. No, really: I don't want it. I don't care how cool it is, I'll never use it.
- Things that are more expensive (or look more expensive) than you can afford. The gift will just make me feel guilty.
- LJ userpics or storage space addons. I'll never use them.
- Things that stink, like candles and cologne.
But the best gifts, honestly, can't be described or listed or shown. They just happen, they're thoughtful, and they're useful (or novel).
Example of an excellent gift? mazisexton sent me a priests' "last rites" kit from the Vatican, as well as what appears to be a vampire-repellant kit. Why is it a good gift? Mostly, it showed that she was thinking of me; that she knew enough about me to know, deep down, that it was something I desperately needed (even if I had no idea until I opened the box); and it reminds me of her. I may never use it, but I'll always treasure it.
Hope that helps some :)
Current Location: Southeast of Disorder
Current Mood: ![[mood icon]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/mood/classic/blah.gif) blah
Current Music: "Margaritaville", -JB
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December 1st, 2006
02:01 pm - It's a tad blustery, but that's not really important. . .
 So today it's kinda blustery outside. People keep talking about it (one gent demonstrated the force of the wind to his friends by stumbling about in the lobby of my building when I got back from lunch), but it's really not that impressive to me. Sure, the wind is blowing, but then, it kinda always does. You know, it's wind. And wind, as they say, blows.
I would point out, though, that 'tis an ill wind that blows no minds.
Personally, I'm more concerned about the state of disaster I heard Kansas was in this morning, given that I have family there whose livelihood can be destroyed by a very bad ice storm, like the one that has recently passed over there.
The weather here, honestly, is annoying but not bad or extraordinary to me.
I've been following the conversations on ADF-Liturgists, but avoiding posting recently. A number of conversations have come up here on LJ, and they've been rather fun to talk through without a lot of the emotion that seems to have spurred discussion on the email list. Those I've talked to on LJ seem a lot more willing to chat about things, and I don't have to worry about being formal.
The prayer time has helped, too. With a recently cleaned room and a greater tendency to sleep in my bed (instead of the couch, which is where I have been exhaustedly falling asleep until about this week), I'm reopening a deeper personal practice. My liturgy journal is behind in postings, but it's not so far behind in being written down. I just have to find the time this weekend to do some catching up.
I picked up issue # 12 of the Army of Darkness comic book. The cover I got, of course, is the one with Ash and the two schoolgirls. I mean, honestly, what did you expect? The back cover, though, indicates that unlucky issue # 13 will involve the death of Ashley J. Williams. I'm curious to see how this plays out, but it's expected to coincide nicely with a Marvel Comics crossover, Marvel Zombies. Why didn't I get into comic books as a kid? This is kinda fun!
I'm also highly amused at two headlines, sitting sid-by-side in the politics section of CNN today:
Um. . . I think that the first and the second one are mutually exclusive. The GOP is apparently not happy with telling you what you can and can't do in your bedroom; it now also wishes to legislate when you're allowed to feel pain for the first time. How's that for civil liberties and personal responsibility?
Time to write my rat of a congresswoman yet again. She's so good at what she does.
Oh yeah: I also have a "terror score" assigned to me for the next forty years. Didn't know you were reading a terrorist's LJ, did ya? I wasn't aware I was writing one until just this morning.
I'll be at Outland tonight. . . We'll see how the 80's/industrial/goth night goes. I'm curious how it'll all play out.
Current Location: Southeast of Disorder
Current Mood: amused
Current Music: "Little Miss Magic", -JB
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November 23rd, 2006
07:03 pm - Everyone else having family time. . . rocks!
So here I am, all alone on a major holiday people are supposed to spend with family. I was invited to Toledo to see my parents at my cousin's, but honestly, I can neither afford to buy gas to get there nor to do enough maintenance on my car to drive three hours there and back. "Besides," I reasoned with myself this morning, "people keep asking you to be there for them. Be there for yourself for once. No one ever asks you to do that except mazisexton."
This has been one of the best days ever.
I'm still in my jammies and actually wore my glasses all day for the first time in perhaps two or three years.
This morning I started out by cleaning. Then I moved onto writing part of my book. Then I scanned in the book ceolnamara bought me in Paris last year ("Le Pilier Des Nautes Retrouvé: Histoire d'Une Métamorphose") so that I could possibly send it to a couple of people. My laundry room is getting a cleaning for the first time since I moved in, and my work bench is being completely reorganized and tools are migrating back to it. I put together a CD last night of songs that get me dancing. . . Here's the song list:
- Country Girl - Primal Scream
- White Collar Boy - Belle & Sebastian
- Bohemian Like Me - Dandy Warhols
- We Used to be Friends - Dandy Warhols
- California Uber Alles - Dead Kennedys
- Little Ghost - The White Stripes
- Denial Twist - The White Stripes
- Hey Jealousy - Gin Blossoms
- Clint Eastwood - The Gorillaz
- New Age Girl - Dead Eye Dick
- Timebomb - Rancid
- Can't Be Myself - Watershed
- Birdhouse In Your Soul - They Might Be Giants
- Istanbul - They Might Be Giants
- The Night Chicago Died - Paper Lace
- Flagpole Sitta - Harvey Danger
- Banditos - The Refreshments
- Code Monkey - Anyone know?
- Take the Skinheads Bowling - Camper Von Beethoven
- Pina Colada in a Pint Glass - Gaelic Storm
- 1952 Vincent Black Lightning - Richard Thompson
- Wasted and Ready - Ben Kweller
And I danced most of the day today.
No one else was around. Tina was out with one of her friends (she did leave me some food, and I've had a little of it, but for the most part I've not eaten much). The people who demand most of my attention are all out of town. I can focus on what I want to focus on for a change.
I watched Spiderman 2, which I've had for two years (since the day the DVD came out, I think) but never watched. I had to fight a bit with the packaging.
I worked on writing courses for ADF, abandoned a project for ADF at the request of someone else, started putting together some clergy resources, and right now, I feel really good.
Today, I am thankful to be alone. If your Thanksgiving is half as cool as mine is, well, you're a lucky devil.
Hang on, Turning Around just came on. I'm off to dance!
Current Location: Southeast of Disorder
Current Mood: amused
Current Music: "Turning Around", -JB
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October 30th, 2006
10:41 am - FireFox, a ritual, and plumbing!
The FireFox conversion has gone excrutiatingly poorly so far. While I solved the issue of getting my bookmarks to work, FireFox has failed one huge test: I cannot log into one of the main sites I need in order to do my work (for those co-workers scoring at home: the Name Change Tracker). I'm still working on this one, and I imagine that if I can't figure it out, someone downstairs can, but I'd like a browser that magically worked right the first time.
Last night's ritual went amazingly well. I'm going to need to tap singingwren for more of these things. She's better at it than I am.
As I was going through stuff for the ritual yesterday morning, though, I found my grandfather's pocketknife, one that I had been despairing over losing for nearly a year. To find that just before a ritual celebrating the ancestors may have had something to do with the way the rite went for me.
Though high on the list of amusements in that rite was when the ranger asked about road_trip_judi. He looked rather disappointed when tanrinia informed him that she wouldn't be there.
The plumbing in the house is, well, bad news. In my attempt to fix it, I may have made things slightly worse. At least, though, water is now flowing down the drains, rather than down into the basement bathroom. For the most part. On good days.
But the center of the problem seems to be a backwards bit of piping. tesinth pointed this out to me the first time we had issues, and I haven't had the time, money, or ability to replace it. Now, it's become urgent, so no matter what, it's getting replaced.
The backwards pipe
I spent part of my morning taking pictures of the piece that needs to be fixed so that I can make sure I have the right parts. I made it worse last night by possibly cracking it open with the auger (yes, I am brilliant, though in my defense it may already have been cracked), so that backwards T-Y needs to get replaced pronto. So far as I can tell, all the way down the line from there it's clear.
So here's to hoping that I can manage this one :)
Current Location: Southeast of Disorder
Current Mood: amused
Current Music: "This Hotel Room", -JB
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October 23rd, 2006
05:39 pm - A death in the family
On Saturday, Raven, Tina's cat, was put down.
Miss ya, kid.
( Pic beyond cut )
Current Location: Southeast of Disorder
Current Mood: thoughtful
Current Music: "A Pirate Looks at Forty", -JB
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September 24th, 2006
10:45 pm - Guilt, responsibility, and remembering that there's some love out there for me
A Grove Organizer asked on Friday about his struggling Protogrove, and how he felt guilt at declining numbers, and was accepting responsibility for (paraphrasing) "letting it get this bad."
I thought about it over the weekend a lot. Mostly because I've been in a similar position recently. I have felt a lot of guilt when people have told me that they didn't want to be part of the Grove, and I've felt that I've let myself, my Grove, and the Kindred down.
The thing is, Groves go through these cycles. That doesn't make it any easier when someone you think of as family decides to leave (or just disappears) and won't tell you why, but it is the case. I have been so, so proud of this Grove, what it has and can do, the size it's grown to and fallen from, and the way it has worked together to do some great things.
I have never felt disappointment at a disaffiliation or non-renewal. I have on occasion not felt good enough, or trusted enough, or a myriad of other "not enoughs" that plague any good Senior Druid who really cares about his members and the Grove. I work hard to avoid pressuring a member into coming back, rejoining, or fretting over the decision, which is probably perceived as indifference, but it's really a strong interal feeling that a person needs to make up their own mind, in their heart, about their spirituality. Few people ask my advice, which I'm willing to give honestly: instead, they tell me (or don't and just disappear) that they're leaving the Grove, or taking a break. They don't want advice, they want support, and that's all I will ever give a member of my Grove.
And yes, even as they tell me this, I still think about them as a member of my Grove. I said it at Summerland during my Dedicant Consecration: A Grove is not a list written down at the ADF Office. A Grove is written upon your heart. That's what a Grove is to me: it is both more and less than what the ADF Office list says it is. Some names on that list are my Grove, and some are not. Some names that never appear or have not in years are part of my Grove. Some names have never been listed as ADF members. That's just the way it is with me: you cannot leave my Grove by striking your name off an electronic list, not can you join by asking someone else to be added.
Over the past year or two, I have realized that Three Cranes is not the answer to everyone's spirituality, no matter how much I want it to be. I have seen that I cannot and never will be able to read minds, so people who don't tell me about problems will never see those problems corrected, and that's okay. I've kicked myself for knowing that the Grove was not right for someone and not telling them that flat-out. I know that I can't control Grove splintering, or friendships that go awry for no good reason. I know I can't stop a breakup or hookup from hurting someone, and I can't pretend they didn't happen. I learned that malicious gossip is never self-contained.
This examination of my own guilt, by the way, is not an effort to make anyone else feel guilty. There is no guilt to be had. As I authored my response to the GO, though, I wanted to put my thoughts down in my journal, where I could find them again quickly and refer to them when those feelings started to creep back in, because I know they will: Groves grow and they shrink. That's the nature of them.
Of course, I still wish I could have some of those back, that we could be what people want and need in a Grove. But more, I wish I could have some of the sleepless nights back, the ones where I wondered what a person wasn't telling me, or how a change in bylaw wording will affect a specific member, or why exclusion occurs and how to heal the rifts that have been torn open.
But I also accept that I'll never get those nights back, and I'll probably not get the members back. And I accept that that's okay.
I admitted to the GO that low ritual turnout scares the hell out of me. Every person who leaves hurts me because I know I will miss them and I worry that they won't miss us (or worse, that we somehow hurt them or stunted their spiritual growth). That's not going to stop, and it's not their fault that I get hurt: it's mine. I care. I love this Grove. And that's not going to stop, either.
But I remember that I was guided to take up the job of Grove Organizer in order to be there *in the event* that someone was *interested* and wanted an outlet for their worship. The gods never said that people would come to my rituals or join my Grove, or that I wouldn't be the only person there some rites. They just told me to do it.
It's taken a long time to get here.
I just hope I can stay here.
*weak grin*
Current Location: Southeast of Disorder
Current Mood: loved
Current Music: "A Salty Piece of Land", -JB
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