|
|
|
October 5th, 2009
01:30 pm - Initial digestation of an Initiation
It took me twenty-four hours for my body to get back to where it was before my initiation: until about 8 PM last night, I was so exhausted, emotionally and physically, that it was hard to smile or converse. The drive back down to Columbus seemed to take all day (though the company of ![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif) kargach and romandruid was exceedingly welcome and helped immensely), and I found myself stretching my back, wiggling my fingers, and cracking my joints as often as possible just to relieve some of the pressure that seemed to be everywhere on my tired, worn out body. I don't think I have ever been quite so exhausted.
I really feel like I should have taken Monday off of work, giving myself two full days to recover from the experience. I also need to take a good look at my robe, as I fear that this initiation may have been its last ritual: I was not kind to it throughout the rite, and it may be stained and torn beyond simple washing and repair.
I am, of course, still processing everything. As a result, expect to see three journal entries shortly as I describe what three particular lessons I've learned, and the work that will go along with them. I've already mentioned them before, but feel a need to go more in depth on what they (broadly) mean to me: focus, center, and joy.
I'm not sure what else I'll post publicly about. It is not up to me to reveal the three tests I underwent, though the Clergy Council witnessed two of them and I suspect that word will get around as we initiate others when uninitiated witnesses speak of the tests they've seen (the third was witnessed only by my initiators and, partially, by my fellow initiate): in hindsight it was pleasant to be surprised by the form these tests took, and what they were in particular (I had been ignoring all posts related to the Initiation purposely). I wouldn't want to "spoil" it for anyone, but suffice to say that anyone who has done the work and been dilligent about completeness and depth will pass the first two. The third is harder to prepare for, though Trance 1 and 2 will likely bring the candidate the required skills.
I do suspect that I will post about the omens I received. I am still digesting them, and taking them to heart: two were generally positive, two were generally worrisome, but all were promising to an optimistic reader. . . and those who took the omens were optomistic, so I don't have to read that optimism into the spreads on my own.
I'm looking forward to hearing my oath (it was mostly extemporaneous, but recorded) so that I can go back and write it down and keep the wording with me. Fortunately, the journey upon which it was based leaves a solid impression, and I need not worry about the general notions behind it being forgotten any time soon.
Two things were taken with me into the initiation that I wish to mention, though. First, when I was consecrated as a Dedicant Priest within ADF, I was given a bottle of mead by tlachtga. I did not drink it then, but held onto it, with an intent to break it open to celebrate my ordination as an ADF Priest in a few years, when I took that next step. As I thought of the sacrifices I must make, though, I knew that this bottle was not for me to keep, but for me to offer: something that I had attached such a special significance to, something that I had held onto for so long, and it became the ideal sacrifice to the Ancient Wise. . . for I offered to them a gift I meant to share with my closest friends, from one of the most special occasions, from someone I respected deeply. This drew them nearer to me, and brought them into that *ghos-ti relationship in a way I have always wanted to do. It was a matter of breaking out the best of the best, the "special" drink you have been saving for just the right moment. . . and that moment was perfectly right.
Second: About a year ago, sleepingwolf sent me a bull pin. I had never worn it before Saturday, but something told me to grab it before I left. As I underwent the most frightening portion of my Ordeal, I felt weight of this pin, and the pin of three silver cranes my Grove presented to me at my consecration, upon my breast. That weight reminded me that no matter how scared I was, no matter how much I wanted to call out, I was supported by friends, family, and the Kindreds in ways I had never known before. These two pins were the only ritual items I took with me, and their presence was a deep assurance as I faced that fear.
To all those who were with me at this rite, in prayer, in silence, or in spirit, thank you. Without my community, I know that I would not have passed even the first test this past weekend.
Current Location: Southeast of Disorder
Current Mood: ![[mood icon]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/mood/classic/smile.gif) full
Current Music: "Last Mango in Paris", -JB
|
May 26th, 2009
10:04 am - Projects, and a small haircut. A trim, really.
Wellspring [review] has me back in the swing of spirituality, I think. I've got two study programs to finish my own work on (there's an odd, sudden urgency to finishing Trance 2. . . I wonder why?), as well as numerous projects that are in a stage of complete-or-almost-complete that just need that last little bit of work to create the report. Putting the Clergy Training Program to bed is liberating, but it also brings me back around to the next project, which is the completion of the Liturgist Guild Study Program, which needs to be written.
Oh, and as some have noticed, my hair is now cut a tad shorter.
( Donation Photos )
I've sent my hair off to Wisconsin for redistribution into a wig. It's a bit odd, sending hair off like that (the magician in me cringes at the thought), but it's good hair: thick, long, and never, ever treated with any sort of chemical or dye. I picked Pantene mostly due to the fact that they accept hair as short as 8 inches, which meant that more of my hair was likely to be used. They give hair specifically to women who have cancer, though that didn't factor much into my decision: I don't really care if it's a woman or a child, or if they have cancer or have just gone bald.
I just hope that someone enjoys the hair, and that it helps get them through what they're facing in life.
And for the record, no, I do not miss long hair (I actually hated it with a pretty intense passion), nor will I be doing this again in the foreseeable future. I loved doing it once, but I don't know if I'll ever be up for another round.
Current Location: Southeast of Disorder
Current Mood: busy
Current Music: "God's Own Drunk", -JB
|
April 21st, 2009
05:56 pm - Trillium 2009, and a joyful return
It's true that I haven't missed a Trillium in five years, but it's also true that I don't think I've ever said, "Let's get out of the sun" at Trillium, either, until this year.
Trillium is that festival, you know? It's the one that, the first time you went to it, you said, "Wow, I really need to go to more festivals, because this is awesome!" It's the festival that turns you on to the festival circuit in ADF, that kicks off a year of camping and seeing old friends and meeting new ones all over again.
In short, Trillium reminds me why I'm an ADF member, year after year. It is the closest thing ADF has to a true Spring of Renewal, and I cannot imagine a festival season without it.
Though I was late coming to Trillium this year (I arrived at 2:30 AM on Saturday morning, missing two days of the festival), it didn't at all affect the amount of joy I felt at simply being there. Met by sleepingwolf and Chris at the fire that night, we spoke for a while before I finally put up my tent (in the usual campsite) and fell asleep.
The next morning, I finished my presentation and then went out for a stroll. It was a real pleasure to visit with folks for a very extended period of time for a change, to not be hurrying to the next workshop or worrying about ritual parts. Of course, then I was asked to take the omen at the main rite, so I guess I did end up with a part.
My workshop was entitled "An Awfully Big Adventure: Signposts on the Final Journey of Indo-European Souls," and it focused on the journey a soul experiences in the "generic" IE afterlife (with culturally specific information thrown in to make it applicable, of course). I had been listed on the schedule as "Surprise!" because I had utterly failed to get valkyrvolva a title for the workshop since I'd had so little breathing time to reply to her mailings before the actual event.
I like to think that my workshop was a pleasant surprise. I know it was for me, because in writing the workshop, I came to a new understanding of death and how I, myself, see it. But that's for another time.
After my workshop, I ran into town to do some thrifting (because Trillium is nothing without thrifting, so say I!), and then came back for the main rite, where I did some divination once I realized it was my turn to do something.
At the ritual, we were also privileged to meet Margaret, a new addition to the ADF family, and a beautiful baby girl. druidkirk did a beautiful presentation of the child to the folk (don't listen to him if he tells you he screwed up), and we all got to meet her up close.
The omens for the rite were:  ,  , and 
The bardic circle was great, with acousticdryad leading the thing. I remember the first time I heard her singing at Wellspring so many years ago (I honestly thought it was a recording of some great artist at the time), and her voice just gets better every time I hear it. She kept the Bardic Circle running smoothly and gave it an oh-so-subtle push when it started to run out of steam. The Circle itself ran long into the night, with some drumming, but mostly people telling stories about their encounters with divinity, singing a song, or telling a joke. In all, it was one of the best Bardic Circles I think I've ever been at.
Sunday morning saw me up early again, and I grabbed breakfast (an awesome fudgesicle) with druidkirk and then caught up with sleepingwolf for a project that we decided simply needed to be done. I stuck around a bit to discuss next year's Trillium (the theme will be "magic" and I've volunteered to present on "Creating Magical Entities" already), and am already looking forward to doing this all again.
I have to say, it was one amazing weekend. I'm so much more relaxed today than I was when I left on Friday: good friends, good conversation, and a comfortable place to sleep will do that for you, though.
Yeah, I wouldn't trade my Trillium experiences for anything in the world.
Current Location: Southeast of Disorder
Current Mood: satisfied
Current Music: "Wonder Why We Ever Go Home", -JB
|
February 4th, 2009
07:27 am - 1,500: Reviewing my vocational statement
( Here is a basic timeline of my tenure in ADF. It's relevant, I promise. )
Not so long ago, I started thinking back on the work I've done as ADF Clergy, and began re-exploring the vocation I have for it.
I started down this path in college: old journals turn up statements like, "If I were Catholic, I'd be in seminary right now." I know now, looking back on it, that I was feeling a call to lead services and help others for a very long time, even before I'd graduated high school.
I remember when the Universal Life Church put their ordinations online and opened up access to the entire world. I also remember making the conscious decision not to obtain ordination in that way. I didn't make that choice because I felt it was an invalid method of becoming clergy, or because I thought it was beneath me; rather, I felt it was not the right path for me to take.
What was important to me was not ordination. It was not the powers conferred by the state or by other priests. It turned out that I didn't see ordination or priesthood in that way.
What I wanted was recognition of status achieved by the body of my chosen spiritual community.
I remember feeling shocked and somewhat embarrassed that the ADF Unity Rite I was consecrated in was so much about me. Every invocation and evocation mentioned me, with the Kindreds being addressed and asked to support me and give me strength during their invitation. I didn't know what that meant at the time, but I do now. It wasn't about the various Priests recognizing me, but about the fact that I'd done things within ADF to the point that the recognition was just right. It just came naturally to them. I don't believe any instruction for those invocations was ever given to those who participated in the rite: they just did it.
That thought, by the way, humbles me even more deeply, and makes me even more embarrassed in retrospect.
It has been, now, nearly three years since I took my oath that day, and dedicated my head, my heart, and my hands to this journey that we call ADF.
The other day, I went back to my Clergy Vocational Statement, and re-read it for the first time in over two years. I wanted to see what was still relevant, and get at why I chose to go this route in the first place. I know that I still struggle with being clergy. I know that Priesthood in ADF is still something that I sometimes question. I know that I still feel like a rookie apprentice among learned old wizards. But much about what I thought was calling me has changed.
( I made some astute statements. )
( I also made some rather. . . un-astute statements. )
A lot of what I thought would be the focus of my clergy work simply isn't the focus. The things I love to do, including the training program development, the ritual, and the simple joy of being a part of this experiment that is "Our Own Druidry," are still vibrant. But my expectations have changed so much. My own struggles with relating the GSP work to Clergy training were complicated enough: I felt untrained and underdeveloped when I started, but I have realized that I will always feel like that (and, should I stop feeling like that, I'll know I have a problem!).
The thing is, I'm a very different person than I was before my Consecration. It changed me, and time has changed me further. Despite that, some people will not see me as changed, but as the kid I was when they knew me before that ritual. Some will not see me as the kid I was before, but only who I am now.
And some, those closest to me, I think, will know the change deeply, and will understand it better than I do myself. And with the changes I have undergone, they will find that it is not me that changed, but it is my true self that emerged and began to develop itself. I know this because I am more at home with myself than I was three years ago, struggling through a hard breakup and really experiencing what it was like to be scared and alone for the first time; more at home with myself than I was ten years ago, struggling to find meaning in college coursework without a clear goal in sight; and more at home than I was fifteen years ago, stumbling onto Paganism in Caesar's Commentarii de Bello Gallico and praying for the first time to divinities I found in my Latin class.
And this, my friends, is what excites me about the prospect of Ordination within ADF: if Consecration can change me in such beautiful ways, what changes are in store for me when I am a fully Ordained Priest?
This is my 1,500th LiveJournal entry, and I want to thank those who have read this journal since 2002. My longest readers are the most special to me, and I often think about what you must have seen as you've followed this blog. Don't worry, there is much more to come.
Current Location: Southeast of Disorder
Current Mood: indescribable
Current Music: "Landfall", -JB
|
December 12th, 2008
10:34 am - Something I'm thinking about today
When did you last pray? Last do a ritual? Last attend something with your spiritual brothers or sisters? Last take a hike and look with wonder on the world and feel full of its beauty and promise? And, if you're not the spiritual sort, when did you last do whatever it is that fulfills you?
I don't often give instructions via LiveJournal, but today I'm going to:
Find something that fills that need within you, and do it.
It will always help.
Current Location: Southeast of Disorder
Current Mood: enthralled
Current Music: "The Pascagoula Run", -JB
|
July 24th, 2008
11:52 am - Ancient magic and misogynist magicians
So, as many of you know, I'm a big fan of authentic (or authentically reconstructed) grimoires of ancient magic. The Greek Magical Papyri (or PGM for short), the Sepher Ha-Razim (a reconstructed Jewish magical text), and a variety of other sources really interest me. (For a selection of bits that really interested me a couple of years ago, check out my "Authentic Chaos" pages, which have transcriptions of a number of the spells.)
I have a very academic curiosity about how these spells worked, and I would love to try a few out, you know, just to see what happens. On occasion, I have, and some of the stories have been posted in my LJ and on my website.
Most of them, however, I can't manage to actually try. Either they're too fragmentary, too manipulative for my modern Neo-Pagan sensibilities, or just too generally disgusting for me to ever be willing to admit that I did them. (And who wants to do magic that they can't boast about, really? If you're not taking credit for at least twice as much as you actually do a spell for, you're not a real magician.)
Interestingly, I have fewer issues with things like drowning kittens and scooping the eyes out of doves and then setting them free in order to obtain love than I have with one particular line in a lot of the "purification" requirements:
"You may not approach a woman in her menses" I mean, what the hell?
I can't tell you how often I've come across a perfectly awesome (and non-animal-mutilating) spell for something really cool only to have it require this stupid little instruction.
( in which I think about why this is mentioned, and how much I really dislike the concept. . . )
The issue really comes down to this: I really object to the idea that purification requires staying away from mensturating women (which implies that they're somehow "dirty" or "impure"), but I'm such a stickler for "authenticity" when it comes to trying out new (old) things that I generally just skip over these spells when I see them.
Maybe it's time to start re-writing some of these old spells. That sort of thing isn't new to me: I've done it many times. But I've always had such a violent reaction to the idea that women in a specific (and natural) state are somehow unclean that I've never even attempted it.
It's interesting to me that spells designed to incite lust in married women never specify, "and could you please make sure she's not, you know, bleeding everywhere?" You'd think that would be important, given their clear obsession with it. (For convenience, we're going to ignore my obsession with their obsession for now.)
Slimy, misogynistic ancient magicians. . .
Current Location: Southeast of Disorder
Current Mood: amused
Current Music: "Tampico Trauma", -JB
|
November 30th, 2007
11:43 am - Fighting the War on Christmas, Christian soldiers strap on Amulets!
 This morning, I noticed that World Net Daily is selling magical amulets to Christians. For those unfamiliar with the site, it's an evangelical Christian "news site" (really, "sensationalist news site" would better describe it, or possibly "tabloid") that claims "uncompromising journalism" and to be "a guardian of liberty," while usually just spewing the usual claptrap that comes from the general right edge of sanity.
Those of you who know my reading habits (and my magical interests) know that I'm really into amulets, and devouring any ancient magical literature I can find. Amulets, ancient Christian magic, and connections to the modern world really interest me deeply, so when I read this article, I recognized what WND was doing immediately.
Here's a quote from the article:
There's one more component of your Christmas-defense kit: It's the "Operation: Just Say 'Merry Christmas' Bracelet." They make great stocking stuffers, but why wait! Make your feelings about Christmas known to one and all. Wear them to pick up the kids, when you buy groceries and when you go to work. They're guaranteed to ward off the evil spirits of the ACLU grinches.
If you'd like to purchase one, you can pick up the little bracelets on their site (I've pictured one at the top right for your convenience). Hell, I'd love to find one in my stocking!
The characterizations of the ACLU "grinches" as "evil spirits" caught my eye. I'm reminded of when Christianity was a young religion, and the world was full of demons just waiting in pagan temples to posses some young, nubile and naive Christian. There's an old tale of a pair of Christian night watchmen who would walk past a temple each night, and each morning they required an exorcism, "just in case" the demons had come out of the temple and possessed them.
This isn't any different, really: by wearing this amulet, you can ward off evil spirits. WND has de-humanized the ACLU into something that is dangerous, but they have the answer! They have a nifty little device that you can buy to protect you from these dangerous things, for the power of Christ is best harnessed by a rubber wristband.
Honestly, I'm impressed with the WND's rhetoric here. Just look what they've done to those who carry an ACLU card, and to top that, they've offered a protection scheme to overpower their creation.
On the one hand, I see this as a genuine religious concern for a genuine religious group that has a genuine interest in protecting its congregants from dangerous spirits.
On the other hand, it really sounds like what the Ghostbusters were accused of: "These men are complete snowball artists. They use nerve and sense gases to induce hallucinations. The people think they're seeing ghosts and call these bozos, who conveniently show up to get rid of the problem with a fake electronic light show."
Well, okay: my other hand is sounding reasonable. . .
On a side note, I found out about this little warding kit that they're selling through their article about Alaska Airlines' "discrimination" against heterosexuals. I find it interesting that, in a world where the Religious Right has always sought to keep discrimination on the basis of sexual orientation legal, they're bitching and moaning when they perceive it going the other way (and, of course, it's not discrimination; they can get the same discount just by typing in the code: there're no ticket-counter screenings to determine "fondness for cock," at least, not that I'm aware of. . . But the TSA has been getting a bit more "personal" in searches for years).
Current Location: Southeast of Disorder
Current Mood: amused
Current Music: "The Wino and I Know", -JB
|
September 12th, 2007
05:34 pm - A long night alone
I have a very long night ahead of me. First, a Pagan Pride Day meeting that I (admittedly) view as "superfluous" and possibly "entirely unneeded", but I know when people need their security blankets, and I'm willing to do what's needed to help with that.
But I have things to do after the meeting. In particular, I have to follow up with the healing working done at the Midnight Flame Festival. I have things to carve, things to sacrifice, and a lot of invocations to say. I don't do a lot of healing work (though I've done some and consider myself reasonably successful), and while I'm not worried, I always get stressed before doing a ritual.
So, today I'm digging in and going for it. I hate to think how late I might be up.
Off to check the balance in my checking account: I have to go out and buy some things for this. Good night, all!
Current Location: Southeast of Disorder
Current Mood: ![[mood icon]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/mood/classic/thinking.gif) pensive
Current Music: "The Wino and I Know", -JB
|
01:28 pm - Midnight Flame Festival, 2007
 On Thursday, I picked up druidkirk from the airport. We were scheduled to be up in Michigan at the Midnight Flame Festival, hosted by Grove of the Midnight Sun and Grove of the Twilight Flame.
On Friday morning, we started driving north, running up US 23 and arriving about an hour before sunset. We were greeted warmly, and I was scolded for driving too fast in the campground.
The campground itself is amazing: there is cabin and tent camping, and the stars. . . my gods, they were beautiful. The area has almost no light pollution, and you can see deep into the Heavens and the shining night. The cabins were rather comfortable (I slept with druidkirk and Skip), and the bath and toilet facilities were also quite nice. The weather was absolutely beautiful for the entire weekend, too: I couldn't have imagined better weather.
When I asked about the program, I found out that Skip, druidkirk and I were the program, which amused me to no end. Fortunately, we more than managed to fill in all of Saturday with no dead time, really.
2/3 of the program
The first night was spent enjoying a roaring fire with a chimney log, ( which can be seen behind the cut )
We used this fire for our first night's ritual fire, as well, and Flip opened the Gates as he strode around it. ( You can watch the video behind the cut )
All day Saturday were workshops, with druidkirk presenting on sacrifice, me presenting on prayer, and Skip doing his "Food and Drink in Indo-European Societies" class. We also worked in some pretty heavy trancework after Skip's presentation, doing the Bear Posture from Dr. Goodman's Where the Spirits Ride the Wind. Honestly, the workshop lineup ended up being quite well-done, with each one working in and dovetailing nicely with the rest of the workshops.
I was particularly happy with the way the trancework ended up working out. It was nice to sit down and talk with folk about the posture after we'd done it, and see the commonality of experience wasn't just a fluke with the last time I'd done this posture in a group.
On Saturday night, the Unity Ritual included a wonderful healing working. druidkirk did the healing work, and I'm tasked with following it up as the moon begins to wax. It was also nifty to see how these two Norse Groves do ritual, which isn't something I've really had a solid opportunity to experience.
But probably the best part was meeting ADF members I'd never met before. Really, the theme of the festival really was one of Ghosti and hospitality. I also discovered that both Skip and druidkirk are more outgoing than I am, but I knew that anyway. I met a lot of new people this past weekend, and I expect that I'll stay in general correspondence with a few. There's something about going to the outskirts of our American Groves that just can't be defined.
I hope that folk will come out for next year's Midnight Flame Festival. It was certainly worth the drive for me. A couple of people mentioned that it would have been great if folk from Shining Lakes had come up, and a few others were also hoping to draw some Wisconsin or Minnesota members over next year. I do hope that they come up.
Anyway, the festival was relaxing, intimate, and truly a joy to attend. I highly recommend this one to anyone who can go.
Current Location: Southeast of Disorder
Current Mood: busy
Current Music: "Livingston Saturday Night", -JB
|
May 18th, 2007
09:03 am - Thinkin' about "stuff"
- Asking people to think before they speak is apparently "asking people to pretend to be something they're not."
- I was never self-conscious of my finances until I got an email about how privileged I obviously am yesterday, and was, in fact, quite proud of how I've been handling them. I'm back to being proud, though.
- When I started a Grove, I didn't realize how much homework I would end up assigning myself. I just don't know enough right now to write this rite. And that's a lot of homophones.
- At some point, I would like to take a road trip to Springfield, IL. There's a mural on the wall of the Illinois Supreme Court that I want to see (you know, since Eris is on it . . . Well, Discord to be exact, but it's close enough for government work, and it is a government building). The more I think about it, the more obvious it is that I need to do this. Of course, I'll probably combine it with a very long overdue trip to Kansas to see the family, and maybe stop by the Protogroves in Urbana-Champaign and Kansas City for a rite or something. I hear there's also a Grove near East St. Louis now, too.
- My carport is clean, my back yard is shaping up, and the front yard is next to be tackled. And, it looks like I've kept my promise of clear skies tonight, at least so far.
- This morning, I remembered the feeling I used to have every day when I was in college, where your body feels healthy and ready to go, strong and awake. It's a wonderful feeling, and one that I sorely missed.
- Wellspring isn't exciting me at the moment, for various reasons. Part of this has to do with a feeling of "missing out" on last year's Wellspring and being "left behind", part is a feeling that I'm going to have people demand that I "explain myself" on things (though I don't believe that I've done anything wrong to deserve that), and part is just that I have the traditional Han Solo "bad feeling about this."
- I really, really miss some of my best friends.
- Today's Buffett Oracle:
203. What works for me might work for you.
Thanks, Jimmy. I have some ideas of how I want to spend an evening this weekend.
Current Location: Southeast of Disorder
Current Mood: awake
Current Music: "Buttermilk Grove", -JB
|
|
|
