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October 15th, 2009
03:52 pm - Re-viewing my work I have just finished reading the responses that Ian Corrigan provided when he approved my coursework prior to my initiation. I thoroughly enjoy the responses he's provided to me in the past: they are generally detailed, full of thoughtful suggestions, and always to the point with a bit of humour. (Apparently, due to a spelling error, I indicated that new GO's get mentors from other groves who "ass" those new GO's. I think I meant "assist.")
Going through those comments, though, also gave me a chance to review my own work, which, aside from being full of spelling errors because I write everything in notepad anymore, is actually pretty good. I was particularly pleased with myself when I re-read the trance induction for lighting a fire.
I honestly didn't remember writing this piece, and reading it was like reading it for the first time. I suspect that I was so focused on getting the job done that I just sort of missed the fact that I was doing the job, if that makes any sense.
I'm focusing on CTP3 work now, getting a good amount done in advance of completion of CTP 2, actually (my papers are in pending review), which is nice.
Ah, well: back to burying my head in spreadsheets! Current Location: Southeast of Disorder Current Mood: busy Current Music: "Southern Cross", -JB
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October 6th, 2009
01:59 pm - The third of three lessons: Joy I learned three lessons during my journey as my mettle was tested as an ADF Initiate. These lessons were not the lessons I expected, nor are they specifically private to me alone: these are guiding lessons that I must take forward, that must draw me along as I go forth as an ADF Initiate, and by my oath I will use them in service to others. The lessons offered to each Initiate will be different for each individual Initiate, based on that individual's needs and the work they must do.
The third lesson of my initiation is Joy.
Where I went to learn this lesson, I cannot say; this was a place reserved for initiates alone, as I understand it: I believe druidkirk and I are the only ones who have been there, and we both visited this place (though we came from different directions and found different things) in our journeys, even though no guidance was given to us by our initiators. This lesson is also virtually ineffable, so please bear with me as I seek to explain it.
I had traveled far, and this was my last stop. I had traveled through fear, through solitude, and through specific lessons that I must learn and teach others. I wondered what this last place have in store.
In this place, though, there was a garden, something I did not expect to find.
It was a beautiful garden, much like those lavish and architectural gardens of Europe, typified by the gardens at Versallies, Chateau de Villandry, or even an English garden. Within it, there was a grove of trees, and this is where I was drawn to.
Some trees in the grove were older, some were younger, and a few were simply saplings. Some were oaks, some ashes, and some were yews or hawthorns or willows. Each had been touched by the gardener in some way: nudged to grow straighter, trimmed to remove dead wood, replanted from another grove to flourish here, or supported while the roots deepened and the branches reached for sunlight. What I found was that I was standing in the midst of my Grove, and that each tree was an individual: member, friend, or brand-new-shiny Druid. I could identify trees by name, I was so certain of each one. I could also see that they were each others' strength in the storm.
I never met the keeper of this garden, nor did I meet any other figure there, but what I knew, simply from standing in this garden and this grove, was the simple joy of the gardener. It was present everywhere, permeating all things: a joy borne of love, time, and care for every detail and every individual plant and tree and animal within. This is not a garden meant to feed the body, but one meant to feed the soul.
The gardener gardens because it is right to do so, and his work brings out the artfulness of the cosmos. Each plant is placed in relation to others "just so," while others are righted when they begin to grow wrong. This maintains that artful universe, that rta or *xartus where all things have their place, and are in their place. Small changes have large impacts, and a gentle nudge has deep effects on the path the garden takes.
Here is the lesson: the gardener who gardens for food and sustenance may find health and a reduction in hunger; but the gardener who tends his garden with love will see the fruits of his labour not in the things that garden produces to sustain the body, but in the simple joy of the work that sustains the soul. That is what this Grove is for me: simple, complete joy. The work that we do must not be for advancement or position, but for joy in the garden that we tend. The personal growth of our members is what drives us on, what brings us pleasure, not increases in status or stature on our own. It is, then, up to us to seek that joy, to bring it forth, and to draw others to it so that they may have their soul nourished with this joy as well.
So these are the ways, visible to the community, that I will work to fulfill the third charge the Kindreds placed upon me during my initiation. Current Location: Southeast of Disorder Current Mood: joyful Current Music: "Something So Feminine About a Mandolin", -JB
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09:13 am - The second of three lessons: Center I learned three lessons during my journey as my mettle was tested as an ADF Initiate. These lessons were not the lessons I expected, nor are they specifically private to me alone: these are guiding lessons that I must take forward, that must draw me along as I go forth as an ADF Initiate, and by my oath I will use them in service to others. The lessons offered to each Initiate will be different for each individual Initiate, based on that individual's needs and the work they must do.
The second lesson of my initiation is Center.
The middle of my journey was about the center of all things, and finding that center within oneself. It sounds odd to me that I should say that the lesson is "center" rather than "centering" or "being centered". . . but truly, that is the lesson here, for it encompasses much.
There is a place that we go, the Center of Worlds, that is inhabited by a crane. Here, the land, sea, and sky all meet, and here we can access the cosmic waters and the heavens above.
It is said that a lone crane lives on the isle of Inishkea near Erris, Co. Mayo, and will remain there until the end of time. This crane is at the edge of the world, not the center, but I often think of this crane as being very much like Garanus: both cranes clearly inhabit a place, keeping watch and reliable in their singular locality to those who seek them out. They were there before us, and they will be there long after we are gone.
What stands out to me is this notion of the water-skate in Zuni myth; it can easily be translated into the notion of the Crane:
At the center of the worlds, there stands a crane: one foot is on the land, one foot is in the waters, his eye is raised to the heavens. It is in his heart that the Three Realms are joined, and this marks the "center place," the heart of the Realms and the Worlds.
The heart of this crane is directly above the heart of the Earth Mother, and directly below the pole star of the heavens. When those who honour the Crane come together to form a Grove, they align themselves with this center: each one standing firmly upon the bosom of the Earth Mother, directly above her heart and directly below their own pole star, with this centered ritual place located both about them in physical form and spiritually within their heart.
Any shrine upon which a fire is lit and Garanus is honoured is a center as well: a permanent home for the heart of the Crane.
This is the lesson of centering I carry forth: each of our hearts are the heart of the crane, each of us is centered in the world, and each of us can work from that place and bring change to all things as we change ourselves. We must be the change we wish to see in the world, and we must transform ourselves, with the aid of the Crane, in order to transform others around us. My work is now to learn to explain this better, to bring others to the center of worlds.
So these are the ways, visible to the community, that I will work to fulfill the second charge the Kindreds placed upon me during my initiation. Current Location: Southeast of Disorder Current Mood: enthralled Current Music: "The Missionary", -JB
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October 5th, 2009
03:26 pm - The first of three lessons: Focus I learned three lessons during my journey as my mettle was tested as an ADF Initiate. These lessons were not the lessons I expected, nor are they specifically private to me alone: these are guiding lessons that I must take forward, that must draw me along as I go forth as an ADF Initiate, and by my oath I will use them in service to others. The lessons offered to each Initiate will be different for each individual Initiate, based on that individual's needs and the work they must do.
The first lesson of my initiation is Focus.
As I my journey began, I was instructed very carefully to learn focus. There were specific things I learned I must focus on from the Kindreds, but those things were spoken to me alone, and won't be passed along except to those who are directly affected by things I was explicitly told to fix. I was told, though, that I am not a focused person: I am both poorly organized and highly unreliable. I have difficulty staying on task and greater difficulty in concentration.
I have great trouble focusing on individuals (including myself): often, e-mail conversations will simply dissipate over time; I fail to make phone calls to friends and family "just to say hi;" the membership of ADF has expressed a feeling that I've ignored them; I spent a great deal of the year not doing my sunrise/sunset devotionals; I cannot even keep myself to a set of specified goals for CTP course completion; and my work has suffered from a lack of detail-focus. Yes, the last few months (since about February, when I officially took this job) have been hell, but that is no excuse. I need to learn to focus, compartmentalize, and move forward on projects that need to be completed and be more open to people I need to be available to. . . in my personal life, my spiritual life, and my work life.
Of particular note is that my trancework is not done: there is more to do. Completion of the trancework practicums, Trance 1 and Trance 2, does not entitle me to say I'm done with it. Indeed, it is clear that more work needs to be done, and it must be done in a focused way. I must work the Trance journal I have started and supplement it with additional regular practice, and bring that practice to others.
Another place that I have noticed focus must be brought is in my religious speech, particularly in ritual. I've been strongly bitten by the elusive AwenBug recently, and as a result have been waxing on with a lack of focus, trusting my gut to understand the way an invitation to the Kindreds or a purpose must go. This has become an issue, actually, where even though everything I say in ritual is related, it is not focused. I've been given a charge to start speaking in a more specific manner in ritual.
Some improvements occurred prior to this rite (as the work was completed), but this rite is likely to have induced lasting change in my behavior on this front.
So these are the ways, visible to the community, that I will work to fulfill the first charge the Kindreds placed upon me during my initiation. Current Location: Southeast of Disorder Current Mood: thoughtful Current Music: "Life Is Just a Tire Swing", -JB
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July 15th, 2009
11:12 am - Heartbreak and Joy: D025 & the Episcopal Church Yesterday, the House of Bishops of the Episcopal Church here in America passed D025, acknowledging that the Episcopal Church ordains partnered gays and lesbians. The newscycle is caught up in other things right now, so this isn't even a blip on the screen.
Some know that I follow the Episcopal Church pretty regularly recently, ever since the consecration of Right Rev. V. Gene Robinson and election of Right Rev. Katharine Jefferts Schori as the Presiding Bishop and a Primate catalyzed schism and dissent in the Church. American churches have switched affiliations to join Communions across oceans, and bitter fights have arisen in the American courts about what to do with property owned by those churches. Strange systems of "complementary bishops" have arisen for folk who can't deal with bishops they don't have faith in, the Anglican Primates have failed to come up with good solutions to both gay and women bishops, and the whole thing is seeing some pretty nasty responses.
 I watch the Archbishop of Canterbury and wonder what he's thinking of all this. The measure was able to pass primarily because the more conservative members of the Episcopal Church have affiliated with other parts of the Anglican Communion, and are no longer part of the Episcopal Church in America. In other words, they took their balls and went home, and this freed up the House of Bishops to move on this topic without their votes.
I watch with deep interest, because I look at things like D025 and wonder at the bravery of the Bishops who voted for two-to-one it: they did so knowing full well that it could end in a break from the Anglican Communion. I can imagine the heartbreak and joy that they experience with this vote. . . for all they try to downplay the importance of this vote, saying that it simply affirms that openly gay bishops can be consecrated, and that it does not say that they will ever confirm an openly gay bishop in the future, they know that this is not how the Communion will see it. This heartbreak must temper the joy they feel at embracing the civil rights they feel LGBT persons deserve. It is freedom and fear, all bundled into one great emotion.
I also look at those congregations that left the American Episcopal Church, and I wonder how they feel, knowing that their exit may lead to a break in communion. I imagine that they question the decision, that they feel that they are partially responsible for any break that may occur. I suspect that they also feel the thing we all know is true: they're isolating themselves and becoming part of a great minority that will eventually lose the fight to keep rights away from same-sex couples. I cannot imagine what the feeling is among those congregations: not only have they chosen a losing side in this battle, but they have lost the war by refusing to work with others of differing values. . . and potentially destroyed or seriously disabled the Anglican Communion as a whole.
Only time will tell how things go from here. My conjectures of a break in Communion are just that: conjecture. But I know that it's a real fear among Anglicans. It may yet happen.
Today, the House of Bishops is expected to take up the question of blessing same-sex unions. I wonder how, exactly, that will go, as well. Current Location: Southeast of Disorder Current Mood: awake Current Music: "Door Number Three", -JB
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June 30th, 2009
09:20 am - Debt-Free¹ Today, I come to you from a wonderful place: completely debt-free. I dug myself out of the minor hole that I was in in just under six months as a result of a promotion, keeping naked cats in my attic for nearly a year, and being absolutely, downright miserly over the past year.
My dad would be so proud of the way I've handled money and opportunity recently. Actually, I know he is.
No matter what the debt is, it has a way of looking like it's way, way too big to overcome, especially when you're sitting under what looks like a mountain of it. I know the statistics, and I know that I wasn't anywhere close to the "average" debt people carry on their credit cards alone (the mean credit card debt was around $9,000 last I heard, with the median being closer to $2,000; it's probably higher now), but even the small sum I had seemed insurmountable less than a year ago.
Heck, there were times when I thought it was hopeless while I was in the middle of paying the damn thing down. . . even as recently as last month, I was terrified that I wouldn't be able to meet the expectations I had set for myself, that I would be unable to make it to the end of the month, and that I would end up spending even more time in debt than I had originally planned.
I found myself religiously checking my bank balances, my credit card statements, and adding up every penny I spent. I didn't buy anything I didn't need unless I was positive that I could manage to meet the expectations I had of myself, and I went without a lot of things in order to ensure that I was staying within budget.
I'd originally gone into light debt when I bought the house in 2002: there, I was making enough, but didn't have enough cash on hand for repairs, improvements, and painting. It's said that the average home-buyer pours an additional $5,000 into a house in the first year of ownership, and I probably did about that. Then my car finally died, and I had a car payment that was completely unexpected on top of my new mortgage.
There was a time when I figured it up, and I was spending a few dollars more each month than I was actually making at the time.
So things ballooned a bit, no matter how careful I tried to be. Soon, I was finding that even my modest debt was looking entirely uncontrollable. I didn't see any light at the end of the tunnel, and I didn't know that I would ever be able to pay it off. I quickly understood (and understand even better in hindsight) just how frightening debt can be, and how amazingly stupid it can make you feel. I now understand how people carry such balances for so long: there comes a point where you accept debt, and where you feel you will always live with it; and it comes fast and out of nowhere.
It wasn't until the car payments were complete this past December that I was able to start paying the debt down in a significant way. Then I picked up my promotion. Then I scrimped and saved and put everything I had into getting out of debt, buckling down at work and making things happen. And here, with planning and work, I stand now: debt free and finally really proud of myself.
Now I just need to make it to the end of the month without a relapse, and my next paycheck will become a cushion, not a "make ends meet" sort of thing. Given that I'm in better shape this month than I was last month (and have been seeing that trend since January), I think a relapse is very unlikely.
There's a light at the end of the debt tunnel: I'm living proof. While my debt wasn't grossly enormous, it also wasn't actually manageable. I carried it for nearly six years until the cards fell right. I'm not one to say that "anyone can do this if they just work harder. . ." I know, because I did work harder, and sometimes that's not enough. But I am one to say that it can be done, with a little luck, a little faith in yourself, and a lot of work and discipline over a long haul.
To all those who helped me out when I needed it, thank you. I promise to pay it forward.
¹ - except, of course, for the house. But the elimination of other debt makes my mortgage entirely affordable. Current Location: Southeast of Disorder Current Mood: jubilant Current Music: "Spending Money", -JB
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June 10th, 2009
02:45 pm - Musings on Chaos Magic Many years ago, I read a certain article about chaos magic, one that struck me as rather poignant. It's called "GO UNDERGROUND and be a CHAOS MAGICIAN" and is form Joel Biroco's The Exorcist of Revolution. While it's generally an aimless meandering through Biroco's brain (though not at all uninteresting), the thrust of it is that Chaotes cannot be a part of the corporate world and really practice their craft to its greatest depths and heights.
It was from this essay that I first got an image of the peddling magician, creating amulets out of discarded aluminum cans and bits of string and held together with old chewed gum, a sort of modern day begging priest, or goes for you Hellenes out there. I have always liked this model, always thought that it was something that we need in this society, and always thought that there might be a place for me to do such a thing. Well, perhaps not the discarded gum part.
Re-reading the essay, though, brought me to think on it a bit more than I had in the past. I would fall into the "nine-to-five magician" category that Biroco holds up: I live in a corporate world, and the thought of quitting right now does, indeed, scare the hell out of me. I'm pleased with my job, where I am, and where I am going. Contentment, which I'm sure would be frowned upon by Biroco, is something I know in this place right now, even if it is sometimes a bit stressful and often a very hard job.
On the other hand, I purposefully did not arrive here through magical means, nor through ritual, nor even through prayer. I did no work other than the work of my own hands to make it here, put on no ceremonial clothes outside of the suit I interviewed in and the clothes I chose to wear daily, spoke no incantations beyond the statements made in my interview, and manipulated the selection process only by submitting a resumé. Biroco's "nine-to-five magicians" ignore their impulses for a more romantic life, and direct their mystical work toward their own career direction.
Suddenly, I fit the one-tracked, stunted "nine-to-five magician" mold a bit less.
In many ways, I find that the focus I have now (and have always had, though sometimes to greater extent than others) on being careful about what I practice magic for and who I practice it for/on has mitigated some of the limitations of the corporate world that could trap a guy like me: I practice neither on nor for myself. I've developed some interesting amulets over the years (the Cthulhu amulet being one of my favourites), done some amazing sigil work, involved myself in healing rituals that went better than I could have imagined, and given offerings for all sorts of people in amazingly sacred spaces (high on Mt. Olympus and beneath the Temple of Apollo at Delphi being the best of them). All this work was done for others, or at the request of others, and there's very little direct benefit to myself. Certainly, none of it is directed at my choice of career path.
Do I agree with Biroco's thesis, that I am not the magician I could be were I free of the shackles of oppression that the 9-5 world has clasped me in? I think that he might be right on that point. The other half of his thesis, though, that exiting society's rules is the only way to go, that it somehow naturally creates the Chaote and brings him/her to a state of deep magics with great heights, is flawed.
Chaotes are self-made: there Biroco and I appear to agree fully. What I don't agree with, though, is that environments themselves are enough to set our fates and overcome the self-making process.
We are who we are because we wish to be ourselves: no more, no less. Current Location: Southeast of Disorder Current Mood: busy Current Music: "The Great Filling Station Holdup", -JB
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May 26th, 2009
10:04 am - Projects, and a small haircut. A trim, really. Wellspring [review] has me back in the swing of spirituality, I think. I've got two study programs to finish my own work on (there's an odd, sudden urgency to finishing Trance 2. . . I wonder why?), as well as numerous projects that are in a stage of complete-or-almost-complete that just need that last little bit of work to create the report. Putting the Clergy Training Program to bed is liberating, but it also brings me back around to the next project, which is the completion of the Liturgist Guild Study Program, which needs to be written.
Oh, and as some have noticed, my hair is now cut a tad shorter.
( Donation Photos )
I've sent my hair off to Wisconsin for redistribution into a wig. It's a bit odd, sending hair off like that (the magician in me cringes at the thought), but it's good hair: thick, long, and never, ever treated with any sort of chemical or dye. I picked Pantene mostly due to the fact that they accept hair as short as 8 inches, which meant that more of my hair was likely to be used. They give hair specifically to women who have cancer, though that didn't factor much into my decision: I don't really care if it's a woman or a child, or if they have cancer or have just gone bald.
I just hope that someone enjoys the hair, and that it helps get them through what they're facing in life.
And for the record, no, I do not miss long hair (I actually hated it with a pretty intense passion), nor will I be doing this again in the foreseeable future. I loved doing it once, but I don't know if I'll ever be up for another round. Current Location: Southeast of Disorder Current Mood: busy Current Music: "God's Own Drunk", -JB
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May 9th, 2009
07:56 am - Passing Div2, and a review of my work for a change
Wow. I got an e-mail about a week and a half ago from Ian Corrigan saying that my Divination 2 papers were "exemplary" . . . I admit, I had no such thoughts myself. I thought they would be somewhat average.
Among the comments he returned to me were these:
- I should write a booklet on runes based on my answers to Req 5
- A short article such as "Are the Runes a Magical Alphabet?" should be submitted to OL
- The creation of a bind-rune I did for one reading was, and I quote, "good cunning-work." This is an awesome phrase to me
- He and I go in completely opposite directions when it comes to public ritual, though: while you'll rarely hear me offer the names of runes, often giving only an interpretation, Ian only gives the name and translation and lets folks figure out the meanings on their own.
I thought his final comment was best, though, as when speaking about a rune reading that we did in public that had a major affect on ADF (that one truly cold Yule when the Grove was first founded; some of you may recall it), he said:
- Almost like there was something wyrd going on, innit?
Just. . . wow ;)
Over the last year or two, I've become a lot more in-depth with my reviewing, returning positive comments along with negative ones (should they be necessary) and trying to help the student flesh things out if they'd like to. It's nice to get a response like this one, because it helps to verify that the system I've been developing is something worth doing.
I don't really feel that I can just say, "Oh, you passed." I find it important to highlight certain parts of the piece that I really liked, and discuss what I liked about them. By the same token, we can't just say, "Oh, you didn't pass. Re-write it." If something doesn't pass, I always explain why, and offer suggestions for passage if I can.
This sort of reviewing takes a lot more time, though, and sometimes it's downright hard: I've occasionally come across something so bad that I didn't know what to do with it and had to struggle to find some positives to return. Rare as that is (it's probably happened twice in the past several years), I've believed it important enough to ensure that I've done all I can to make it happen.
Attempting to do this little thing is part of what I do to make ADF a bit brighter, and receiving a review back that's along those same lines makes me feel great about what I'm doing with reviews. Current Location: Southeast of Disorder Current Mood: creative Current Music: "The Wino and I Know", -JB
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May 2nd, 2009
08:24 am - An understanding of death
It was a sort of odd feeling, in the wee hours of the Trillium morning [review], when I came to an understanding of death and what it meant to me.
I was writing my workshop, entitled, "An Awfully Big Adventure: Signposts on the Final Journey of Indo-European Souls," and was describing the things met along the way to the Otherworld: the two fires that separate the soul and the body, the various wells and waters, the ferryman who carries you across, the dog who devours, and the king of the dead himself. Over the past few months I've been dealing with death in various ways, considering my own views on it.
I probably ought to back up for a moment: I'm not much of one to dwell on afterlives. In general, my attitude has always been one of "we don't know, and won't until we get there." This has served me pretty well, honestly, for many years, and I have never thought of a coherent afterlife theory as being a requirement for leading a religious life. I had a (perhaps very Indo-European) view that it's not where we end up in the next life that matters, but how we act and what we do in this life. Sort of an expansion of the "it's not the destination, it's the journey" notion that folk often spout out.
Anyway, as I was finishing up the workshop, I found myself putting the pieces together in my head. Using Bruce Lincoln's Death, War and Sacrifice: Studies in Ideology and Practice, I discovered that I was coming to very different conclusions than Lincoln did about what happens after death: his theory was very pessimistic; mine turned out not to be.
In the end, Lincoln responds to the IE myth by saying that there is nothing after death at all: "the otherworld," he says, "[is] nothing more than the grave."
My own response is very different. Death, in an IE sense, really means something: escape from the greedy monster of old age, escape from worry and care, an opportunity to live forever in bliss or knowledge, and (perhaps most importantly) a chance to maintain the cosmos in an ultimate way: to be bound by the Rta or Xartus in the most physical and lasting way possible, by reversing the cycle of creation and thus maintaining the cosmos.
I took my cue for this from the Rgveda, of course. . . Hymn X.16, a hymn regarding the funeral.
May your eye go to the sun, your breath to the wind: go to the heaven and to the earth according to rule, or go to the Waters, if there it is ordained for you! Among the plants to take your place with your limbs! In other words, when you die, the things that formed you at your creation are returned to the cosmos, to live forever within the cosmic order.
I summed this up some time ago in an ancestor prayer you may have seen, not knowing that I would return to it during this workshop, and find myself understanding death as a result of my writing it:
When you were born, The earth became your body, The stone became your bone, The sea became your blood, The sun became your eye, The moon became your mind, The wind became your breath.
When you passed to the Otherworld, Your breath became the wind, Your mind became the moon, Your eye became the sun, Your blood became the sea, Your bone became the stone, Your body became the earth.
When we were born, you did the same for us: You called forth the earth and rocks; The sea arose and the sun descended; The moon shone down and the winds sang. For those who come after, we shall do as you did for us When we are gone, we shall do as you did before. When I gave that workshop later in the day, I suspect a sense of my awe at the epiphany was pretty conspicuous, though I tried to hide it as best I could.
In many ways, I'm not ready to face the death of someone I dearly love, no matter how near that possibility may have just been for me, but I find myself now with a more complete toolkit for dealing with it when it does, inevitably, happen to me. Current Location: Southeast of Disorder Current Mood: surprised Current Music: "Tryin' to Reason with Hurricane Season", - JB
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April 9th, 2009
11:59 pm - Writing of dawn before she dawned upon my mind. . . It occurred to me, moments ago, that I had written a story (inspired by a Grateful Dead lyric I heard when Jimmy Buffett covered "Uncle John's Band") about the beauty of the dawn, long before I had ever kindled a fire at dawn and called out to Usas in prayer:
The Crow's Story
One day, I'd like to find an illustrator and turn it into a children's book. It's probably one of my favourite things that I've ever written. Current Location: Southeast of Disorder Current Mood: tired Current Music: "Good Guys Win", -JB
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March 5th, 2009
12:08 pm - Cuff Links and Image While I suspect that these are supposed to be more. . . economic in meaning, I cannot help but think that there is nothing more Indo-European (though specifically continental Celtic) than a set of bull and bear cufflinks for your best-dressed formal occasion. I might also suggest that the red "Chinese" dragon leaves something to be desired. . . Oh, you Celtiphiles need to click that link for all manner of "WTF-age"!
Folks who know me know that I'm a fan of good cufflinks. . . and I enjoy bad ones possibly even more. My favourite set of cufflinks that I ever actually owned are no longer in my possession, but have been trasferred to a gentleman who asked me to be his Best Man: I couldn't allow creature_tamer go into a life of marital bliss without some protection from the elements.
I'm moderately interested in things like pin-up girl cufflinks (link may be nsfw, since it's got. . . pin-ups on it), but more because it's a pleasure to have a beautiful girl on your arm even if the only way you can manage it sometimes is to buy a picture of one on a set of cufflinks. Really my interest lies in things that say something about me: the hula girls said that I was a relaxed, care-free sort. The bear and bull would say that I was serious about my religious work. I should be clear that it's not always about what the items mean to others so much as what they mean to me.
Similarly, lapel pins: nothing says more about a man than the item he wears on his lapel, I tend to find. I own several, myself: a golden apple from wishemaiden, a DP completion pin, an Eagle Scout pin, a silver pin with three cranes, a frog playing an upright bass, and many more. It probably says a lot that I tend to wear the crane pin and the apple almost exclusively.
I love the little touches that turn clothing into subtle statement, though I have always despised the "walking billboardness" of the non-subtle statements of "Hollister," "Abercombie," and "Pink," particularly when written across the rear end of a child under 13. I own t-shirts that advertise things, I suppose (ADF and the BSA in particular), but most things advertised are no longer extant: the original Nintendo system gets much free advertising via t-shirt, as does hard-core devil-rock, which I have never actively listened to (but I love my "Keep Music Evil" shirt). Various tentacles and creatures of odd, non-Euclidean geometry can occasionally be found beneath a button-down dress shirt, but for the most part, I'm simple in my dress and the things I wear, choosing to express myself on my own time in my own ways.
Is there a point here? Not really. Mostly, it started out as a discussion of cufflinks, then it turned into a note on conveying image.
I suppose that if there is a point, it's this: image is something to be cultivated internally, and expressed with symbols that truly have meaning only to those initiated into your inner circles of understanding, and most importantly to yourself. The shared symbol set of marketing tools shouldn't define who we are: we should define what the symbols mean to us, and not really worry if those who view them cannot translate them.
Then again, I'm also of the opinion that it's all about lookin' good. Current Location: Southeast of Disorder Current Mood: working Current Music: "Hula Girl at Heart", -JB
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February 4th, 2009
07:27 am - 1,500: Reviewing my vocational statement ( Here is a basic timeline of my tenure in ADF. It's relevant, I promise. )
Not so long ago, I started thinking back on the work I've done as ADF Clergy, and began re-exploring the vocation I have for it.
I started down this path in college: old journals turn up statements like, "If I were Catholic, I'd be in seminary right now." I know now, looking back on it, that I was feeling a call to lead services and help others for a very long time, even before I'd graduated high school.
I remember when the Universal Life Church put their ordinations online and opened up access to the entire world. I also remember making the conscious decision not to obtain ordination in that way. I didn't make that choice because I felt it was an invalid method of becoming clergy, or because I thought it was beneath me; rather, I felt it was not the right path for me to take.
What was important to me was not ordination. It was not the powers conferred by the state or by other priests. It turned out that I didn't see ordination or priesthood in that way.
What I wanted was recognition of status achieved by the body of my chosen spiritual community.
I remember feeling shocked and somewhat embarrassed that the ADF Unity Rite I was consecrated in was so much about me. Every invocation and evocation mentioned me, with the Kindreds being addressed and asked to support me and give me strength during their invitation. I didn't know what that meant at the time, but I do now. It wasn't about the various Priests recognizing me, but about the fact that I'd done things within ADF to the point that the recognition was just right. It just came naturally to them. I don't believe any instruction for those invocations was ever given to those who participated in the rite: they just did it.
That thought, by the way, humbles me even more deeply, and makes me even more embarrassed in retrospect.
It has been, now, nearly three years since I took my oath that day, and dedicated my head, my heart, and my hands to this journey that we call ADF.
The other day, I went back to my Clergy Vocational Statement, and re-read it for the first time in over two years. I wanted to see what was still relevant, and get at why I chose to go this route in the first place. I know that I still struggle with being clergy. I know that Priesthood in ADF is still something that I sometimes question. I know that I still feel like a rookie apprentice among learned old wizards. But much about what I thought was calling me has changed.
( I made some astute statements. )
( I also made some rather. . . un-astute statements. )
A lot of what I thought would be the focus of my clergy work simply isn't the focus. The things I love to do, including the training program development, the ritual, and the simple joy of being a part of this experiment that is "Our Own Druidry," are still vibrant. But my expectations have changed so much. My own struggles with relating the GSP work to Clergy training were complicated enough: I felt untrained and underdeveloped when I started, but I have realized that I will always feel like that (and, should I stop feeling like that, I'll know I have a problem!).
The thing is, I'm a very different person than I was before my Consecration. It changed me, and time has changed me further. Despite that, some people will not see me as changed, but as the kid I was when they knew me before that ritual. Some will not see me as the kid I was before, but only who I am now.
And some, those closest to me, I think, will know the change deeply, and will understand it better than I do myself. And with the changes I have undergone, they will find that it is not me that changed, but it is my true self that emerged and began to develop itself. I know this because I am more at home with myself than I was three years ago, struggling through a hard breakup and really experiencing what it was like to be scared and alone for the first time; more at home with myself than I was ten years ago, struggling to find meaning in college coursework without a clear goal in sight; and more at home than I was fifteen years ago, stumbling onto Paganism in Caesar's Commentarii de Bello Gallico and praying for the first time to divinities I found in my Latin class.
And this, my friends, is what excites me about the prospect of Ordination within ADF: if Consecration can change me in such beautiful ways, what changes are in store for me when I am a fully Ordained Priest?
This is my 1,500th LiveJournal entry, and I want to thank those who have read this journal since 2002. My longest readers are the most special to me, and I often think about what you must have seen as you've followed this blog. Don't worry, there is much more to come. Current Location: Southeast of Disorder Current Mood: indescribable Current Music: "Landfall", -JB
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July 1st, 2008
11:58 am - Sulis and Taranis, a stolen wheel, and more bay leaves After speaking with seamus_mcnasty about "resting on one's laurels" after the Pride Service (see yesterday's post), I opened up the Book of Three Cranes and read through our omens for the past few weeks/months. I've posted a couple of times in the last week over at 3cg_blog about omens, and since early May, we've seen an increased need to take stock of them. As I read them, there is a need to push the envelope some, to go further, and to retain the fire that makes this Grove dynamic and keeps us moving.
So, instead of our traditional invocations, Summer Solstice became "Storytime."
( Read about the process and sourcing )
Here is the story I told:
The Stolen Wheel
It is said that long ago, when even the gods were young, Taranis, the Thunderer, saw Sulis, the Sun, bathing at dawn.
Each morning, Sulis would rise from the cosmic waters at the edge of the world. As she rose from the waters, she would blush deeply, and only a glimpse of her could be seen as she ascended into her chariot. No man was allowed to look upon her, for she was young and beautiful, untouched.
Once she had mounted her chariot, whose wheel is the sun, she would ride all day, the wheel shining brightly as it turned along the path, until she returned once again to her bath in the cosmic waters, the aquae sulis.
The god Taranis had heard of her beauty, and though he knew that it was not allowed, he went one morning to see her bathe. Cloaked in his stormclouds to hide his form, he went down to the waters' edge. Taranis was not subtle, however, and Sulis refused to leave the waters.
"Who is there?" she called out.
Thinking quickly, he disguised his voice. "It is I, Epona's handmaiden, come to see your horses."
"But there is nothing wrong with my horses," Sulis responded, puzzled.
"My Lady fears one may be lame. Let me check them while you prepare for your journey."
Sulis agreed, knowing now that it was no man, but a maiden who had come to visit her. As Taranis hid beneath his cloak of clouds, Sulis exited the waters. Instantly, he was struck with lust, and plotted to see more of her.
"How are my horses?" Sulis asked.
"They are fine, my dear," answered Taranis. "Now, be on your way."
And so Taranis watched in awe as she passed by him, wondering how he might see her, so beautiful and naked, again. She mounted the chariot, flicked her reins, and disappeared behind the bright, shining sun wheel.
Taranis knew he must see her again. To do this, he left and flew to the west, intent on stealing the wheel of the sun, for he could not look upon her while the wheel shone so brightly.
He set his ambush far away, placing his clouds in the sky in the west, knowing that she could only travel a fixed path. He waited until the afternoon, and then began to approach the chariot of the sun.
He cast wide his cloak of clouds, racing forth in his own thundering chariot, obscuring the light of Sulis by covering the wheel. He stole the wheel from the axle and hid it deep within the folds of his cloak, laughing peels of thunder at his cleverness.
But Sulis was no weak woman. She was far-seeing and knew things beyond earth, sea and sky. She knew her path, though the cloak of clouds was dark, and she called on the horses to follow it. As the horses pulled, she dismounted the chariot and lifted the axle on her own, carrying it forth, becoming bright herself in the process. Taranis was once again blinded, though this time it was with a beauty born of strength unexpected.
When Taranis saw this, he was in awe—so beautiful a goddess, and yet so strong in her own right. Ashamed, he averted his eyes, admitted the spying, and replaced the wheel. He set Sulis gently on her chariot, and began to ride his away.
As Sulis became once again visible in the daylight sky, and and the clouds receded, Taranis offered one final apology: he reflected the inner light of Sulis' beauty, and brought us the rainbow, the most magnificent display of fire in water.
Children of the earth, this is the story of the Wheel of the Sun, how the Thunderer stole it, and the beauty of his apology to an underestimated woman.
Some aspects of the story are common themes: the cross-dressing (though it's very muted) of the Thunder God; the image of Dawn as a maiden, blushing just in case anyone sees her; the world as bounded by waters on all sides; and the creation of a rainbow as a sort of promise are all things you find just about everywhere. I sort of riffed on those themes, not quite sure where the story would go, and found myself writing it mostly without pause from start to finish, not quite knowing how it would end, myself.
As I wrote the story above, I found myself writing from deep within my heart. Particularly at the forefront of my mind were some of my own relationships with very strong, beautiful women, and the feeling that sometimes, others forget that there's just so much more to them than a beautiful face.
In the end, the story is one part ancient mythology, one part creativity, and one part mythologizing the women I love so deeply because of their fathomless inner strengths. I would name them now, but I don't particularly want to embarrass them (or leave any of them out!). The central action of Sulis carrying the chariot, and her beauty being in her strength of character and knowledge of what is right, as well as its unexpected but true nature, is the key to this story, in my mind.
I loved telling the story in ritual. Getting the "Monty Python-esque falsetto" down for Taranis' hand-maiden alter-ego was something I tried to practice, but it came out so much better *in* ritual than outside of it that I have to call it Awen.
I particularly like the fact that it really went so well, and flowed so nicely. And, I hope, we'll find more of this sort of thing in our rituals, at least from time to time. It is good to praise the Kindreds with creativity and joy in our hearts, and it is good to let the folk know who these Kindreds really are.
Oh, and yeah, we got great omens :) Current Location: Southeast of Disorder Current Mood: busy Current Music: "Changes in Latitudes, Changes in Attitudes", -JB
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June 2nd, 2008
04:51 pm - 33% of bishops think 50% of priests suck? Huh? On many levels, it is entertaining to me how interested I have become in the Church of England over the past year or so since I started reading the CartoonChurch blog by Dave Walker. I've graduated from his blog to a blog called the Chuch Times Blog, which features some of his artwork.
A recent story entitled "'Poor quality' of vicars alarms Church leaders" is based off a leaked, confidential report done by a division of the CoE that found that Bishops are worried about the standards they hold their priests to, as well as their continued enthusiasm for priestly duties. Once upon a time, this might have been an interesting news point or a blip on the screen for the CoE.
Of course, in today's blogging world where every jerk-priest has his or her own blog (says the jerk-priest you're reading), things are different.
The priests have reacted rather bitterly (imagine that) to being called "low quality" and insinuating that their motivations and temperament are not entirely level, and that their sermons just aren't up to snuff. You can read a sampling of their responses yourself. Fortunately, most seem to be waiting to actually see a copy of the report, rather than simply reacting.
I see the point of the study. As a very distantly (and somewhat disinterested) party, I know exactly what the Bishops wanted to see out of this: they were seeking constructive, honest criticism of their own methods of ordaining and promoting clergy.
One comment stood out in particular to me:
Dear Dave, I am the senior manager of a large firm. Currently, we are facing a few problems - rising costs, falling sales, poor morale, people leaving - that sort of thing. Recently I have decided most of my new staff are a bit rubbish. I have issued a management report pointing this out. What should I do next? PS I am ultimately responsible for staff appointments. Indeed, those who are appointing and ordaining should be certain that they are ordaining at the quality that they wish to ordain. It is also vital that we don't necessarily look for people who are "perfect priests" when they're consecrated or ordained, just priests that we are confident will grow into the role (Gods know I'm still fumbling around in the dark half the time).
ADF's ordination process isn't actually "look-I-finished-this-study-program-now-when-do-I-get-consecrated?" though it often looks like that. Acceptance to the Clergy Training Program doesn't equal rights to become clergy, just the ability to become eligible. As I thought about this little hubbub over the CoE's own internal worries, I reflected on our own. I think that our Clergy Training Program goes a long way toward preparing people for clergy work, particularly as you advance through the second and third circles. Still, I find myself hoping that the Clergy Council Officers don't find themselves adding priests if they aren't sure that this person is capable and ready.
The CoE seems to be struggling even more than we are with the balance of providing support and the lack of qualified persons to provide that support (on the whole, I think we're actually doing pretty well). It's interesting to look at a four-hundred-plus-year-old institution and identify similar issues in our twenty-plus-year-old Org and ask, "Okay, how can we learn lessons from these guys?"
(And, of course, I can't help but wonder if my own consecration had issues of expectation or if those who consecrated me sometimes have doubts about me. But honestly, that thought isn't productive or important here. So this is just a note, in the spirit of openness.) Current Location: Southeast of Disorder Current Mood: awake Current Music: "The Great Filling Station Holdup", -JB
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December 6th, 2007
11:56 am - Finding my way through the Dreamland Some days, I feel trapped in the past. And then I realize that I am the one who has trapped me there.
I read part of Lovecraft's The Silver Key yesterday, and began to think about what the key would look like. Lovecraft describes it as "a huge key of tarnished silver covered with cryptical arabesques." Then I thought about asking smithing_chick to make one up for me, so I could find some of my dreams.
I then began to think about how much of a hero Randloph Carter is to me, and how so many of my heroes are not great people, but how they do such great things: Norman, Link, Simon, Samus, Jimmy, Indy, and all the others. The people who are my heroes in reality are the same sort of person, really.
"Three times Randolph Carter dreamed of the marvelous city, and three times was he snatched away while still he paused on the high terrace above it."
Randolph Carter's story is one of a man seeking his dreams. He is willing to give everything to reach them, and reach them he does, through perseverance, a willingness to try again when he meets failure, and a strong sense of self-worth and self-knowledge.
"Randolph Carter had indeed descended at last the wide marmoreal flights to his marvellous city. . ."
I pray my story has such a happy ending, that my own Dream Quest might end in such a way. Current Location: Southeast of Disorder Current Music: "Little Miss Magic", -JB
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December 3rd, 2007
05:43 pm - Two months? Really? Last night, I made a resolution to write to the inmate I work with, and to do so once per week. I realized recently that I was already writing something for the Grove once per week, so I might as well package that and send it off. If nothing else, it will help someone feel like they're a part of something.
Today, I also sent my old Yule Ritual, which was written so that it could be done without offerings. I have recently been thinking about writing a full cycle of 8 solitary rites. Hell, I already write them for me; it wouldn't be hard to actually type them up.
It's been almost two months since I've written to the prison, though. I feel terrible about that: it's not like I'm not thinking about it, because it consumes a high portion of my thoughts. But, like all things, I have trouble actually managing to do it sometimes. I hope that I can manage to send things more often. I recently told my best friend that I spend so much time thinking about people, and enjoying the thoughts and the knowledge that I love them deeply, but I don't ever remember to say it. I don't call people up to tell them I was thinking about them. I don't send them letters, or I half-write them and don't send them because I get side-tracked.
Two months. Geez. What the hell, ya know? What the hell was I doing that was more important?
But then, I ask that question so often about so many things, it seems. Current Location: Southeast of Disorder Current Mood: busy Current Music: "Waiting for the Next Explosion", -JB
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November 5th, 2007
11:10 am - Oops. Maybe that explains how I act :) I don't often do memes anymore, but every so often one will catch my attention. Today's attention was caught by a quiz about Asperger's:
( The quiz results behind the cut )
It interests me that I generally fall in the category of "almost but not quite" when taking tests for signs of Asperger's.
Another test is here, on which I scored a 24 (after learning to read the script since it didn't calculate the score for me) with 32 being the threshold and 16 being the "normal" state for most folks.
( Why the hell do I keep taking these tests? )
Well, that was a bit of unintentional soul-searching. But it was intriguing to write. Current Location: Southeast of Disorder Current Mood: busy Current Music: "The Wino and I Know", -JB
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October 31st, 2007
09:48 am - I'm Part of a Paisley Mythic Drama As an FYI, this post is about a country music song. But even if you dislike country music, you might find this amusing.
There's a song out by a guy named Brad Paisley. It's about a pizza delivery guy who is balding and fat, yet has an online presence that is simply amazing.
When I first heard the song, I immediately shouted (to no one in particular, as I was in my car at the time), "Hey! That's me!" (For those just joining us, it's been established in previous entries that I am, indeed, fat, and we all know that my job is the source of all unhappiness in my life.)
The song really spoke to me on a lot of levels, not the least of which is that I have an interesting set of online perceptions that are often very different than "real life" is. I may not pretend to be who I am in profiles (e.g. those pictures are actually me; I can claim some modeling experience, but it's obvious that it's me in the photos; and I even live where I say I live), but there is a definite perception of me in online communities that I'm "so much cooler" than I really am that is simply not borne out in reality.
Really, I'm mostly a socially awkward flake. Of course, I'll admit that. :)
Anyway, I love the song, and it could very well be about me, if a few key details were changed. And I spent a few more hours each day online.
And the video has William Shatner in it, so you can't go wrong with it!
Brad Paisley - "Online" video
Trust me, it's worth a watch.
(Thanks to starrchilde for posting a link to the vid.) Current Location: Southeast of Disorder Current Mood: amused Current Music: "Spending Money", -JB
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October 26th, 2007
11:56 am - Walking the Path Again: Virtues (moderation) In reviewing the virtue of moderation last night, I noticed something interesting: I had trouble really defining it, cosmologically.
Now, I have no trouble understanding many of the other virtues from a cosmological standpoint: integrity is about the maintenance of relationships, piety is about reaffirming (or recreating) the cosmos, perseverance is about drive toward what is right, and hospitality is the central aspect of our ritual work.
I have spent a lot of time in these essays discussing how each of these virtues fits the Rta (or the orlog). I am a bit curious as to why I didn't relate moderation to the Rta as quickly as I have the others. I am feeling very much, at this point, like I have missed a key of moderation, a particular point that will cause me to see the Rta in this virtue.
So far, I think about it, basically, "as creating the fertile ground from which things can grow." There's a sense of quiet excellence that is formed from moderation, one that shines more brightly and more enduringly than the fast-burning excellence that lacks a long-range plan. Moderation creates a position from which things may grow healthfully, rather than recklessly.
I am not sure I like my moderation essay. I need to think more about how moderation affects the cosmos, and how the cosmos exhibits moderation, before I can say that I'm comfortable with the thoughts expressed in the essay.
Perhaps moderation, to me, is a synthesis between the chaos of potential and the ordering of the cosmos. It is maintainable, focuses on the ordinary, and creates excellence from a strong, supported place.
"Sail the main course, sail it in a simple, sturdy craft. Keep her well stocked with short stories and long laughs; Fast enough to get there, but slow enough to see, Moderation seems to be the key!" -Jimmy Buffett, "Barometer Soup" Current Location: Southeast of Disorder Current Music: "Brand New Country Star", - JB
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