January 29th, 2004


It's a bad day, and it's only 10 AM

Gods, I'm crabby today. I didn't sleep well last night (I've been crashing in weird places the past few nights) and I had weird dreams. I'd tell you all about 'em, but I left my notes at home, and so cannot. This whole week has been overly busy and generally making me angry.

Imbolc ritual is done, but not posted. Raven (our old man cat) was peeing bloody urine last night. There're 3 books on hold for me at the library, and I finished Dumezil last night, and started on Haynes, but didn't understand a word of it. I'm starving, but have no cash. I'm so short on money it isn't funny anymore, and my tax refund won't dig me out, it'll just prolong the pain. I'm behind on tickets and processing SLS licenses at work, so much so that my boss has noticed. I have a performance review next Wed. that I'm nowhere near ready for. I didn't get healing_coyote that information on Oðin I promised, and I feel pretty darn shitty for that. Weather looks incliment enough that a surprise visit to Black Bear PG isn't going to happen (though I'm still hoping). I'm still undecided on whether I can spring the $200 to go to AZ, and I have to make the decision by 3 AM tomorrow at the latest, or fares expire.

And Godsdamnitall if Eris didn't freaking start talking to me today. Why not just wait a week? *sighs*

Expect a little conversation update when I get around to it.

Excuse me, I have to go bury myself. I'm extremely fortunate to have Buffett to keep me moving. Otherwise, I might have called in sick today. Yeah, it's about that bad.

And a ray of sunshine peaks through:

I have ordered a new fedora. I've needed one for two years now (which is why so few of you have seen me in one), and my old one has just been hanging on a peg in the basement.

I don't know what to do with my old hat. We've been through so much together, from loving beautiful women to challenging dark caverns to keeping the sun off my neck in Key West. No hat can replace it, but when the hat no longer fits, you can do nothing about it.

Unfortunately, I'm between hat sizes (by and 8th of an inch), so we'll have to see if the large fits, or if I need the extra large.

Please, no comments on the size of my head. I've already thought about all of them and laughed.

Now I need to find a decently priced leather jacket.

Well, I didn't take a lunch today. I stayed in my office working. I have finished updating my tickets.

Tina says I should choose between red, black, royal blue, or hunter green for a kilt. Yeah, that narrows it down *so* much.

My old hat. . .

Because I can't let it go without a short eulogy:


What can I say about my hat? I've had it for 7 years. I purchased this one in high school, my Senior year. I was in Florida for the week, playing in an orchestra. We played at Disney World once. The rest of that day, we had free.

I found my prize sitting in Morocco, in a small souvenir stand. It was an Indiana Jones fedora.

You must understand, Indy is my hero. He's the perfect hero for any kid: a greedy, dishonest, lady killer whose sense of right and wrong is always contrary to his personal nature. How can you go wrong with that?

Let me relate some of my adventures with this hat:

Over the past 7 years, it's seen everything in me. It's seen the kid who won't grow up, the adult who knows when to compromise, and the budding priest who has had more adventures than he cares to admit.

There's something childlike about a man who can put on a hat and change his entire persona. A hat as mystical and wonderful as an old brown fedora is difficult to find. You might point to the tarnhelm of the Ring saga, or the mind-control contraptions of 1950's science fiction. None of these compare to that old fedora.

This fedora gave me license to unlock an area no teenager can open: that of self-assurance, humour, and determination. It's like suddenly realizing that yes, this world was made for you, and yes, you were meant to take it.

The attitude switch was highly noticeable. I was able to land my first serious girlfriend by trying. My previous attempts had been more like falling into pits. My grades even improved, and my ego began to inflate a bit.

The hat also helped me realized that there were things I couldn't have. You know, things that no man was meant to see or discover. This feeling helped balance out a growing ego, preventing me from over-inflating. I was able to accept that sometimes I couldn't have everything, but there was always a way to get a piece of what I wanted.

The hat also accompanied me into the woods, taking long hikes with me when I went to College. When I first hiked on the Appalachian Trail, my fedora was firmly pulled on. When I experienced real ritual, it was doffed in respect. When I approached my ancestors atop a stormy mountain, it was this hat that let me see what I was doing.

Retirement for this hat isn't easy. It's like putting an old friend to bed for the last time. It's painful and frightening. I already find myself worrying about the fit of this new hat, whether it will rest on my ears or sit high on my head. I feel a bit of betrayal.

But then I think about my very first fedora, and I remember that I had the same feelings then that I have now. I grew out of that fedora in early high school. At the time, I couldn't let it go, and I nearly cried when I gave it to my brother, who could almost wear it.

Perhaps soon, I'll give my old fedora to someone new. It's still in decent condition, just crushed one too many times, faded an olive green, and somewhat mal-formed. But it's still my hat.


I'm looking at adding more adventures. So I might end up re-posting.
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