September 12th, 2005

surya

Friday to Friday: getting where I was going.

Below, you'll find most of the paper journal entries that I wrote during and after Summerland. I mentioned I'd be posting these last week. I spent the weekend transcribing.

They're given out of order, and with no dates or times on them in general (though you might be able to figure out a couple of days/times). There are sometimes notes, if there's added info that seems pertinent.

Yes, they're intensely personal. No, I no longer feel like this. I purposefully worked through this on my own and took my time with that. Some of the working was done on this LiveJournal on purpose.

Most importantly, though: I don't regret a damn thing. It was a huge learning experience that I wouldn't trade away for all the gold in the sea.

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===

And there's a look at what I was thinking and writing that week. The things I missed, the things I got right, the things I got wrong. Over the two years I've had this journal, I've always wanted to make it honest. That's been the primary goal. It's been said that I hide things on this journal. That I don't show a complete picture. That's not really true.

Such thoughts, such writings as these are very rare. The last time I wrote like this, I think, was Freshman year in college. This time, it lasted about 7 days, from Friday to Friday, really, that I was writing like this.

Will this happen again? Almost certainly. Not really because I want it, but I've proven to myself that sometimes, an angst-ridden teenager takes over. It may happen for one week every seven years, but this guy is small, misunderstood, and frightened, and he doesn't reflect well on me. Doesn't mean I can stop him from reflecting.

There are a lot of things that have happened recently that I'm not proud of, but they're all part of who I am. This is how I write, and what I write about. Each mistake is a further facet of myself that I just haven't found yet. Mistakes excite me and solving them and learning from them make me feel alive.

People have indicated that they read my journal because they like to read about what I'm thinking, or about what I'm doing. They read it because I'm not afraid to put forth controversial ideas that scare me. Don't worry: I'm going to keep messing up, that's for sure, and I'm going to keep thinking about the stupid things I do. I don't mind being told something was stupid (triadruid is really great at telling me when I've done something stupid), and in fact encourage it.

So tell me when I'm being a jerk, when I've done something stupid, or when I've pushed your comfort zone. I won't mind a bit of politeness and/or tact in letting me know, but honesty is always welcome.

And please: don't worry about me. I honestly don't handle most shows of concern well. . . They actually tend to make things worse for me. While this jackass of a kid is going to re-surface at some point in the (hopefully distant) future, he's just looking for attention and an outlet. When he comes out, he knows when it's time to go away again. Sometimes it takes him time to realized that he's not my primary paradigm anymore.

I think my primary paradigm just needs a girlfriend.
surya

Nothin' really matters: after all, it's Christmas Day

Today has been a good day.

I wrote a very long, very good email to Erien.

I spent some time outside.

I did a rune reading for shizukagozen (talk about a rare thing!)

I set up a time to meet with _crow365__ then had to reschedule when I realized I'd be seeing him anyway tomorrow night.

I got up through Level Three without a sword in Zelda. Then, stupidly, I hit "retry" instead of save. So now I have to go back and do it again. But I've proven you get at least get 1/3 of the way through without a sword! (hint: get that bow and arrow fast!)

I'm coming off a very good ritual lead by romandruid. I think I needed that.

I'm coming off an OSU loss to Texas, too. I'd feel bad, but damn if we didn't prove that the number 1 and number 2 teams were out on that field that night. . . And it so happened that, on Saturday, Texas was the better team. I wonder if they'll still be the better team at the end of the season? Only one way to find out: play them in the National Championship Game. I can see it happening, honestly. I really, really like their quaterback, though. There's no question that that kid is the best quarterback in the country, and he has fun playing! I think that's really why I like him.

I made a very tough decision, one that seems to be make or break, really. It could have gone very badly for me, I think, had I chosen wrong. I can't really talk about it, I'm afraid, but suffice it to say, I'm proud of it. Damn proud. And that's important.

As for how I feel?

I want to "tell some lies, meet some spies, and dance barefoot in the sand."