September 26th, 2005


Ah, the weekend, another chaos working, and gaining confidence in myself

(Written Sunday Night)

I've begun to spend more time on the weekends, savoring them. I'm staying up later, working harder. I'm getting things done I never really had time for before. I spent a load of time tonight working hard to get some things in order for the Grove, and about four hours today shopping and getting things in order for my presentation to the PSA on Tuesday. I got to talk on the phone with romandruid, called singingwren and left a message to see if I couldn't get her to give me a hand on this presentation, and tried to call healing_coyote but failed miserably to get through to her. I also read a load of DJ Conway and Silver Ravenwolf.

I spent a couple of days going through the Zohar, some works by Isaac Luria's students, and various discussions of Kabbalism. I read more Torah this weekend that I have in my entire life, and I found a touchstone phrase in the Song of Songs, one that has truly personal meaning for me, and one that makes the entire Chaos Working far, far less frightening.

The update later today will at least start the description of what's going on with this Chaos Working. As I look at it (it's on another tab on this computer), it's not finished yet, but a good chunk has been described.

Most people on my friends' list will find this entire working strange and difficult to comprehend. It begins following an orthodox Jewish cosmology, and then departs radically into a heretical branch of messianism. I'm not at all suggesting that I understand it completely myself, but I have enough comprehension (through repeated reading, studying, and making extensive notes) that I'm not at all worried that I'm over my head.

That isn't to insinuate that this is safe. I am, however, fifty percent more confident that I can pull this off than I was on Friday. The touchstone is the key to it. It'll be discussed eventually, though it is, perhaps, more arcane than the Working itself, and I can't honestly begin to explain precisely what it meant to me when I found it, though I'm going to give it my best. I wonder if anyone will understand it, as I'm not thinking I fully understand it.

I've dealt with Jewish ritual before, but this working is shaping up to be the most intense working I've ever done, in any paradigm.

And my confidence level is rising by the minute.