October 17th, 2005

surya

Betrayal

I was doing very well last week, until Friday afternoon. Of course, nearly all of the entries in my LJ were not written last week at all, but were written the week before, while I was sick on the couch. But my mood was good, and I was happy and enjoying myself.

Then, on Friday afternoon, I hit a low.

It was a strange low, one that I may have possibly suspected would come, but I don't think I was prepared for it.

Things seemed to come to a head that day, and I ended up feeling betrayed.

I've never felt this way before. And I didn't feel betrayed by someone predictable, or by someone I might have expected this feeling to come from. . . I felt betrayed by people I never expected could or would betray me.

It's a signal to me, mentally, about how I'm getting out of the funk I was in, though, that I was able to take this feeling and examine it.

I looked very closely at this feeling. While it affected me more than I think it should have, the mere fact that I was able to look at it and discover its roots, and then (finally) dismiss it around 7 AM Saturday morning says a lot about how far I've come.

I found the root of the issue, and I realized that there was no actual betrayal, just a feeling of it. It was a feeling that didn't ever really need to be felt, a feeling that I should have been able to ignore from the beginning.

Had this happened six months ago, it would not have been an issue. And that perspective helped.

As it stands, I can still feel the sting, but it's dull. It's like it's not really there, but a memory of the pain remains. And I know that it never had to be there in the first place.

It doesn't seem important to me who I felt the betrayal from, or the circumstances that surrounded it. What I feel is important, though, is that I was able to work through it, to realize the feeling wasn't based in reality, and to discard it like three-week-old fish.

More on my weekend to come, but this belonged in a separate entry.
surya

MJD: Asshole

I've decided that I should just write a regular column for Oak Leaves.

We'll call it:

"Wisdom from the Asshole in the Back of the Room"

Because, you know, that's really all I got. Disjointed comments and crazy rants.