October 31st, 2005

surya

Tentacles, rituals, and hot, naked home improvement

Yesterday, well, it was a day.

It started out Sunday morning with a rather tentacly dream.

And here I thought I might be done with those.

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So after an amusing conversation about how I did not dream of tentacles (is it so hard to believe?), I woke up fully and started some breakfast and reading the paper. I enjoyed a nice recap of Saturday's Ohio State game, realized that I was supposed to set my clocks back, and then started putting together Grove stuff for the Samhain rite that night.

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My first stop, K-Mart, saw me walking out with two very nice silver earrings that look a hell of a lot like torcs, once you pull the earring-bits off them. I'll never know why people don't make offering-sized torcs that *aren't* earrings. The best part, though? They were on sale. 50% off. I loved it.

My second stop, Meijer, saw me getting everything else I needed. It was nice to just make two stops on my way to a rite.

While in Meijer, though, I had a sudden thought, one that bothered me throughout the rest of the day. It was a question:

Is it harder to love clergy, or to be clergy in love?

That's a question I'm not sure I'll ever answer. But it came from some issues that I suddenly came face-to-face with yesterday that I admit I wasn't expecting. Well, they're questions and issues that have been bubbling up for a long time, but that suddenly stood out clearly against the bright blue sky that graced that Sunday.

There are, I noticed, issues that clergy have to deal with that I'm not sure I'm ready to deal with. There are power relationships, trust issues, priority issues, etc., all of which I have dealt with before, but all of which suddenly made me sit up and take notice today. Is it possible for me to give any woman the time and place she deserves? If I act as clergy to an SO, what sort of trust issues come up? If I become the SO of someone a Grove member is interested in, can that Grove member ever trust me again? What if someone just wants to "date the collar", and is it honest to do that? If all I want is to have fun and cuddle, is even that as innocent as it used to be?

I'm eligible for Dedicant Priest status as of last Tuesday. I have not applied. I may very well not. The more I look at it, the more it scares me, and the more I question it. Yes, I'm on a path that will lead me there eventually (even if it has to drag me kicking and screaming), but certain things are making me seriously question whether it's something I can do today. I could have handled it very well in early August. I almost did.

I can't handle it well today.

But, after Meijer, I got to Blacklick Woods and set up next to where we had Summer Soulstice. I was actually just looking for a sunny place to eat some cheese, and didn't realize where I was for a time.

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Just before the ritual, a doe walked out into the ritual area, grazing on the grass. She stayed there until perlgirlju tried to park on top of her, at which point she wisely decided to look for greener pastures. But I took the presence of a deer at a rite that would honour Cernunnos to be a very good omen.

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And, finally, I got home and started getting ready for bed when I realized I hadn't managed to put the wall back together. So I grabbed my drill (something I needed to finish the project, I realized) and went to town wearing just my boxers and a pair of socks.

Well, I now have a beautiful red gash on my thigh from an exposed screw that ripped down my leg as I as trying to get out of the crawlspace the damn access was in. It's really a beautiful shade of red, I admit, bright and vibrant. But it wouldn't be there if I'd been wearing pants.

And with that, I realized it was time for bed. Well past time. Which is why, for some stupid reason, I'm finishing up this entry while stinking of campfire and hoping that the blood stops dripping at 12:15 PM last night so I can post it in the morning, because Gods know, tomorrow is going to be a doozy at work, and I won't have time to write anything.