April 25th, 2006

surya

Out with Tina, reflecting on myself

I went walking with Tina last night, and the discussion we had was mostly centered around my girl problems (which some of you know about, but most of you don't). She, of course, informed me that I was an idiot and possibly a jerk, but it was nice to talk to her about it (besides, she's more or less correct in her assessment of my situation). I missed that girl. A lot.

We don't really talk as much as most normal roommates do, mostly because I'm constantly away from the house, and the festival season is going to send me away more (I fly to Desert Magic a week from tomorrow!), so it was nice to just take an evening and spend it with her.

My relationship with Tina is one of those that I value highly, but I'm not really able to find ways to show that. I don't know what it is about our personal dynamics, but somehow, she never understood how much I loved her.

I have trouble, so much trouble, being forthright about my feelings, and it's affected other relationships as well. I was listening to the song "Nobody but Me" in the car last night, and the lyric, "Just because I took so long doesn't mean it isn't real," really caught my attention.

I'm working very hard to get more vocal, more active about things. But that's not really who I am. I'm . . . passive in general. To be perfectly honest, I'm never sure what a girl thinks of me. This may be why it's been so rare that I've managed to ask a girl out. That, and the utter disbelief that any girl could be interested in me, despite the airs I know how to put on to the contrary.

But the worst part is when I listen to that passivity even when I know, deep down, that I shouldn't, that it's not me, that it's not at all what I want.

But it's a mistake to learn from and not make again. It's an opportunity, a chance to step back and say, "Hey, idiot: you know better than that now. You don't have to repeat!"

review of Trillium upcoming