Journal Entry 3
The HouseA Night of Bad Dreams and Little Sleep
Last night, after a good evening of talking after yesterday's trips, I found myself unable to sleep. there were a lot of thoughts moving through my head all night, from ADF issues to work problems to women. And of course, last night's little discussion of love for a goddess.
But I woke up several times last night after I finally fell asleep, each time because of a different problem. It was the last problem I found myself most worried about.
Well, not "worried." More like "baffled."
In my dream this morning, which was actually a half-awake musing after I was awakened by zylch's alarm clock, I was hanging out with a girl When I saw her, I leaned in to give her a hug, and she pulled away, hard. I was confused.
"I'm not going to kiss you," she said.
"Fuck," I said. "If I wanted to kiss you, I'd ask you on a date first, and probably ask if I could kiss you. My heart's been broken too many times for me to try and pull a shitty stunt like that. Now, can I have a hug?"
And, of course, the rest of the dream has us wandering about a bookstore like old friends, but something has changed. She is no longer as close, no longer as flirty, and now, where there was nothing between us, there is embarrassment and suspicion.
And that simple fact breaks my heart again.
I've never been good with love, it seems.
Other highlights of my restless morning include watching the sunrise through the windows (more correctly, watching the sun's light increase) and having an argument over whether to get up and do a devotional to Usas (I decided not to because I needed the sleep so badly), worrying about ADF elections (very common), and enjoying thoughts about women (not like that, no). (well, maybe just a bit)
Oh, and I saw a ghost. Well, it was probably another guest at the house, but without my contacts in and in the bare moonlight coming in our small windows, it sure looked like a ghost. And since house ghosts are more exciting than house guests, I'm saying it was a ghost.
Heh. The music playing as I post this is sillilly apropos.