April 27th, 2007


Wondering Why We Ever Go Home: Greece, 2007

Journal Entry 2

2 AM
In Bed
It is clear to me that I love her, but love and I are old enemies.

I fall in love, and I know love well, but always, I fear it is fleeting and prone to disappear.

I know that I love this goddess, this divine cow, Usas. But my question, as always with love, is "what do I mean by these words I know are so true?"

I pray to see her again, for when I see her blush in the pale mornings, I know this answer.

I simply cannot express it.

Wondering Why We Ever Go Home: Greece, 2007

Journal Entry 3

7:28 AM
The House
A Night of Bad Dreams and Little Sleep
Last night, after a good evening of talking after yesterday's trips, I found myself unable to sleep. there were a lot of thoughts moving through my head all night, from ADF issues to work problems to women. And of course, last night's little discussion of love for a goddess.

But I woke up several times last night after I finally fell asleep, each time because of a different problem. It was the last problem I found myself most worried about.

Well, not "worried." More like "baffled."

In my dream this morning, which was actually a half-awake musing after I was awakened by zylch's alarm clock, I was hanging out with a girl When I saw her, I leaned in to give her a hug, and she pulled away, hard. I was confused.

"I'm not going to kiss you," she said.

"Fuck," I said. "If I wanted to kiss you, I'd ask you on a date first, and probably ask if I could kiss you. My heart's been broken too many times for me to try and pull a shitty stunt like that. Now, can I have a hug?"

And, of course, the rest of the dream has us wandering about a bookstore like old friends, but something has changed. She is no longer as close, no longer as flirty, and now, where there was nothing between us, there is embarrassment and suspicion.

And that simple fact breaks my heart again.


I've never been good with love, it seems.

Other highlights of my restless morning include watching the sunrise through the windows (more correctly, watching the sun's light increase) and having an argument over whether to get up and do a devotional to Usas (I decided not to because I needed the sleep so badly), worrying about ADF elections (very common), and enjoying thoughts about women (not like that, no). (well, maybe just a bit)

Oh, and I saw a ghost. Well, it was probably another guest at the house, but without my contacts in and in the bare moonlight coming in our small windows, it sure looked like a ghost. And since house ghosts are more exciting than house guests, I'm saying it was a ghost.

So there.
Heh. The music playing as I post this is sillilly apropos.

Wondering Why We Ever Go Home: Greece, 2007

Journal Entry 4

3:35 PM
Near Methena
At Hephestos' Door
I entered the volcano at 3:20 PM, looking to see if the god, Hephestos, was home. The air was cool and the room was dark, illuminated only by the sunlight that filtered from above.

I let my eyes adjust and, for a moment, searched the shadows. Thought I knew I wouldn't, I suspect I hoped to see a forge, or possibly a large man with a limp. What I saw, though, was more impressive to me.

I stood in a natural fault, where the rock leaned upon itself in an inverted "V." Before me, the broken rocks fell away into the back of this room, the entryway to where Hephestos was said to reside.

Down into the crater I climbed, ferrelux and zylch now behind me. As I climbed over the last boulder and expected to see a deep well, I found that the floor had collapsed in and left no access to the crater.

It did, however, leave access to the central fault line of the volcano.

Here I made offerings to Hephestos, smith god and craftsman. I spent a moment in quiet contemplation, listening to the silence of the chamber and feeling the cool air against my skin.

Then, at zylch's suggestion, I took a moment to do a quick Two Powers meditation here near the fault line.

The experience is difficult to describe, and comparisons to a Two Powers meditation in the States are difficult at best. Perhaps the best word for it is that the entire meditation felt. . . "Alive."

The meditation began with the drawing up of the Earth Power. Finding those "cool, magnetic waters" was, however, virtually impossible. What I found below me was not water, but it was liquid. Well, perhaps the word "plastic" is better; that is the word that most stands out to me from my geology classes, and it refers to the movement of magma.

I drew up this warm plasticity, filling my body with it and letting it flow in me. When the flow reached my head and my upturned hands, though, I felt pressure build, and then explode out with startling force.

My body now experienced a slow (and occasionally violent, as pressure would grow and then release at various points) flow, and I stood in awe of the Power of the Earth, of this experience I had never before known.

Now, I sought the Sky Power. From the safts of light that penetrated the chamber, I found that connection, and began the work of pulling down that energy.

While the waters always begin to shine when the light hits them, this new Earth Power was already illuminated from within. Now, when the Earth Power was struck by the Sky Power, rather than being illuminated from without, I was illuminated from within, with the light bringing out the subtle luminescence in the Earth Power from below.

And when both Powers were co-mingled, I felt, rising from the earth below me, spreading through my veins and body, a rhythmic "Thump-Thump" followed by a rest. Thump-Thump rest, Thump-Thump rest, Thump-Thump rest. . .

My blood beat in time with it, my body pulsing with it. I felt intense heat, and felt struck with every thump, a reverberating, resounding strike. The rest carried with it a slight tremor, a vibration from the strike not hitting me, but hitting near.

I held this for a moment that seemed forever, and then let the Powers go, back to Sky, back to Earth.

As the Earth Power faded, so too did the rhythm.

Hephestos' door may have been shut, but deep within his volcano, he still forges.

The view from Hephestos' doorstep