July 5th, 2013


How to tell if your drinking companions are Maenads

(This questionnaire could save your life at your next party!)

1) Are there any guys there?
Yes: You can stop now. Not Maenads. Unless the guy's name is Dionysus. In which case: continue on.
No: Maybe not Maenads: continue on.

2) Is anyone wearing deerskin clothing?
Yes: It could just be bad fashion sense, but maybe Maenads.
No: Maybe not Maenads: continue on.

3) Does anyone have what looks like a stick with a pine cone on the end of it?
Yes: Question 3(a): Is it a sextoy party?
     Yes: Okay, maybe not Maenads, and good for you: continue.
     No: Better chance that they're Maenads.
No: Maybe not Maenads, and the chance is decreasing: continue on.

4) Are people having sex with each other without asking about STD's or using prophylatics?
Yes: Could just be a swingers party, but could be Maenads, too.
No: You seem to go to really boring parties. Maybe not Maenads: continue on.

5) Is anyone trying to nurse something not of their species?
Yes: At this point, I'm putting even money on Maenads.
No: Maybe not Maenads, but it's a good test of your social adjustment whether it got weird here, earlier, or if it's about to go off the deep end: continue on.

6) Have your companions torn any children or small animals to shreds?
Yes: Okay, this is more than a bit freaky. Getting warmer on the Maenads (or sociopaths).
No: Maybe not Maenads, and you're not an accessory to crime! Good for you: continue on.

7) If you answered "yes" to question 6: Are people eating the raw flesh of animals they just ripped up?
Yes: Probably a good bet at this point that they're either Maenads or sociopaths, but I suggest you have someone send you an urgent text message so you have an excuse to get out of there either way.
No: Maybe not Maenads: if they were ripping things apart and not eating it, you've totally got sociopaths, at least.

8) Has anyone hit a rock with her dildo-looking-thing and caused the stone to spring milk, wine, and honey?
Yes: Totally Maenads. GTFO.
No: Still maybe not Maenads, but if you've gotten this far and haven't ruled it out, you really need to reconsider what parties you go to!