May 16th, 2005
|11:11 am - Only I could think so hard about something admirable that it becomes tarnished|
So on Saturday, I walked in the "Race for the Cure" for breast cancer.
I did this for many reasons:
1) I've been meaning to do a race like this for a long time.
2) My Grove was doing it, and it never hurts to have other people doing it as well. It makes sure I do it.
3) It's a damn good cause, and it affects a lot of women.
4) It also affects men, but that's rarely talked about.
5) I like boobies.
Yeah, I'd be lying if I didn't mention that last one.
When I finished, though, I found out something I'd never known: my Grandmother is a survivor.
My mom told me about this, and I also found out that my mom is on preventative medicine to keep her from getting it. I didn't know any of this.
It was sudden and strange, but when I found that out, I wasn't sure if it devalued or increased the value of my walk.
On the one hand, I was walking this with the idea that I was doing it simply to do a good turn for others who had lost their lives and for the millions who still might, but then I realized that, had I known that my Grandmother had been a survivor, I would be walking for her.
On the other hand, I was there and didn't know that she had survived, so I was pretty much there just for me, because I felt it was important, and because I knew that one doesn't need to have a family that's been affected by cancer to walk.
It bothers me that I'm not sure exactly how I feel about it.
Current Mood: unsure
Current Music: "The Handiest Frenchman in the Caribbean", -JB
It's value-added. There was great value in the fact that you did it thinking it wasn't personally-related. Since you found out afterward, it polished rather than tarnished. If you knew beforehand, it would have colored your motives, but I hardly think lending support to others for any reason is a bad thing.
Perhaps. I think the kicker is that I really, really liked the idea that I was walking this because I genuinely wanted to help, not because I had been affected by it. I liked the idea that I was out there even though I had no reason to be out there. It was just a good thing to do.
Now, though, I have a reason, and it makes it seem less special to me.
But you hadn't been affected by it when you did it because you didn't know beforehand. So your motives were "pure," as you were defining them. Next year, do it for Grandma, and it'll be a different experience. Hell, do it with Grandma, if possible.
And stop thinking already.
but your reason wasn't changed! The intent is no different. It may be different on future occasions, but you can't change intent after the fact.
Ha. You're talking to the guy who was inundated with time-traveling mages two weeks ago. There is no such thing as "after the fact" in my current paradigm.
Or, everything is after the fact. It's all already happened, and you're just waiting to hear about it.