September 12th, 2005
|09:53 am - Friday to Friday: getting where I was going.|
Below, you'll find most of the paper journal entries that I wrote during and after Summerland. I mentioned I'd be posting these last week. I spent the weekend transcribing.
They're given out of order, and with no dates or times on them in general (though you might be able to figure out a couple of days/times). There are sometimes notes, if there's added info that seems pertinent.
Yes, they're intensely personal. No, I no longer feel like this. I purposefully worked through this on my own and took my time with that. Some of the working was done on this LiveJournal on purpose.
Most importantly, though: I don't regret a damn thing. It was a huge learning experience that I wouldn't trade away for all the gold in the sea.
I hit the bottom, or so I thought. Tonight, I just wanted to hide. I just wanted to be away from everything else. I wanted to go to bed, to drink myself to oblivion, or to spend the night hunched over the toilet vomiting.
I felt like I had screwed up. Irrevocably.
But I didn't.
I mean, what kind of person gives up like that?
Not this kind.
It's quiet here, all alone.
I close my eyes for a moment.
It's freeing. Simple.
[note: I don't remember writing this. It appears to be a meditative journal entry, though.]
Kisses aren't candy.
Affections need to be earned.
I'm simply not built to give out kisses that mean nothing. Affection involves trust and a measure of love. Or at least some adventure.
It's hard to admit, but really it boils down to this: not everyone is that special to me. Once again, I find that deep down, I crave things like love, trust, and commitment. Sexuality simply isn't about fun to me. It's about connection and closeness.
I can't share that closeness with very many people, really.
I should have realized that years ago. The last girl I kissed when single (i.e. before college) left me feeling like crap. I know she enjoyed the experinece, but I left feeling like a jackass.
Now that I think about it, I often feel that way with women I've kissed.
[note: sexuality can be fun, but the primary function of sexuality, for me, is closeness. And I don't want to be close to a lot of people. Never have. In most cases, closeness simply makes me uncomfortable. In this case, it was downright wrong.]
I'm stuck here on Zero.
[note: The next line, obviously, should be, "I'd just like to make it to One."]
I admit to being pretty damn angry with myself. I feel worse right now than I did last night, when I was in the mud, vomiting for a few minutes.
This morning, reflection is stark and in my face. The feeling of helplessness and fear is heavier, more apparent.
It's pretty black in this head of mine.
Despite that, and despite feeling lost, alone, and usafe, I remember that where there is now blackness, there was once light. Where I feel lost, there once were signposts. Where I am alone, there are people I can go to, even if they aren't where I can see them. But the best part is the safety, because while it's now unsafe, I remember when it was safe, when arms held me as I hid from shadows on a tent wall.
This morning I've been told I drank more than usual. Some were concerned that maybe I was drowning something. I know, though, that problems float in alcohol. They get closer to the surface. I kept a careful tab on what went down.
It wasn't the alcohol that caused me to vomit last night. It was everything else.
A lot of people don't see certain things. It's not so much that I hide them, but that I generally consider them unimportant. The feelings leading up to me on my knees in that muddy spot, alone in the darkness, were not anyone else's responsibility but my own.
I should have paid attention to where I was going. I could see it, but I ignored it.
[note: as I was writing this entry, I recall singing, "Some people claim that there's a woman to blame / But I know, it's my own damn fault."]
I'm done kissing at festivals
Hmm. . . Lemme rephrase:
I'm going to be very picky about who I kiss from now on, in my regular life, when I'm at festivals, and when I'm alone with friends.
There are boundaries that I crossed that shouldn't have been crossed. While no one seems to be complaining that I crossed their boundaries. . . I crossed my own. Those boundaries were there for a reason.
[note: I feel really, really bad about this entry for some reason.]
Love. What a strange word. What an inconvenient, yet wonderful feeling.
[note: No, I won't explain.]
I'm not applying for Clergy.
I thought I was ready.
I've found out, yet again, that I'm not.
[note: This is common. Every time I think I'm ready, I prove that I'm not. It happens.]
I remember Athanasios' exact wording when he was talking about why he applied for clergy status within ADF. He turned to me and said, "Well, the By Laws had a loophole, so I said, "Why not?" They couldn't stop me."
I owe my Grove better than a dorky "Why not?"
Until Friday night, I was riding high on pushing limits and testing myself and trying to get my mojo going. And I was really getting it moving. There were so many great things happening: I was happy with myself, happy with where I was, and happy with what I'd made into my reality.
On Friday night, though, I slipped into something that, instead of pushing my limits, broke them wide open. Basically, I spoiled my own reality. When I opened my eyes the next morning, I was suddenly desperate. . . I needed to hold onto something, to grasp something simple. I saw a clear path ahead of me, and I didn't stop to wonder where it might lead. I simply latched onto it, and I found myself heading down it quickly and headlong, scraping my knees, jamming my fingers, and losing my balance.
At one point, I remember thinking, "Can I get off this ride?" But I didn't think I could. There were no adjoining trails to take.
Of course, as I look back while sitting here resting as I claw my way back up, I see that I had many options. Many places I could have gotten off. But I didn't. I stayed on. I fell when I didn't have to.
[note: Written mid-week, before I pulled out.]
Polyamoury is not, and will never be, for me. The concept makes me feel alone, used, and sick. I'll never, ever understand it.
[note: Not that it matters whether it's for me or that I understand it, of course.]
There was this girl.
She had long dark hair, constantly wavy and wet-looking. She had eyes that matched her hair and contrasted against her light, fair skin. She sat with her legs out, wearing skirts that showed off their curves beautifully. Those legs were long and shapely, inviting your eyes to glance ever higher and higher.
Every night I passed her as I left work. She always sat on the same bench, a bench I pass every day.
And every night, she had a smile for me.
Now, summer is over, and she no longer sits there.
I never spoke to her. I never learned her name.
And I was right not to, I think. When it comes to relationships, I'm confused. I know that well.
But I still wish I'd learned her name.
And there's a look at what I was thinking and writing that week. The things I missed, the things I got right, the things I got wrong. Over the two years I've had this journal, I've always wanted to make it honest. That's been the primary goal. It's been said that I hide things on this journal. That I don't show a complete picture. That's not really true.
Such thoughts, such writings as these are very rare. The last time I wrote like this, I think, was Freshman year in college. This time, it lasted about 7 days, from Friday to Friday, really, that I was writing like this.
Will this happen again? Almost certainly. Not really because I want it, but I've proven to myself that sometimes, an angst-ridden teenager takes over. It may happen for one week every seven years, but this guy is small, misunderstood, and frightened, and he doesn't reflect well on me. Doesn't mean I can stop him from reflecting.
There are a lot of things that have happened recently that I'm not proud of, but they're all part of who I am. This is how I write, and what I write about. Each mistake is a further facet of myself that I just haven't found yet. Mistakes excite me and solving them and learning from them make me feel alive.
People have indicated that they read my journal because they like to read about what I'm thinking, or about what I'm doing. They read it because I'm not afraid to put forth controversial ideas that scare me. Don't worry: I'm going to keep messing up, that's for sure, and I'm going to keep thinking about the stupid things I do. I don't mind being told something was stupid (triadruid is really great at telling me when I've done something stupid), and in fact encourage it.
So tell me when I'm being a jerk, when I've done something stupid, or when I've pushed your comfort zone. I won't mind a bit of politeness and/or tact in letting me know, but honesty is always welcome.
And please: don't worry about me. I honestly don't handle most shows of concern well. . . They actually tend to make things worse for me. While this jackass of a kid is going to re-surface at some point in the (hopefully distant) future, he's just looking for attention and an outlet. When he comes out, he knows when it's time to go away again. Sometimes it takes him time to realized that he's not my primary paradigm anymore.
I think my primary paradigm just needs a girlfriend.
Current Mood: content
Current Music: "The Hangout Gang", -JB
|Date:||September 12th, 2005 03:52 pm (UTC)|| |
Re: You're welcome
We'll see. I admit to hoping I turn out alright. As for human, I suppose there are better things to be, but it's really my only option, I suppose.
You are way too hard on yourself sometimes. Of course you have an inner whiny teenager- most folks do. You had a major paradigm shift recently & it's going to take some time to process. And some of it's going to hurt a lot. And some of it you're going to wake up the next day & think "Where the hell was my brain?" It's all perfectly normal.
What it all boils down to is you're human, just like the rest of us. And it's OK. :)
I don't believe I'm ever too hard on myself.
I'm not worried about you. I think you've dealt with things admirably well.
Thanks. It's been. . . interesting.
|Date:||September 12th, 2005 02:48 pm (UTC)|| |
When he comes out, he knows when it's time to go away again. Sometimes it takes him time to realized that he's not my primary paradigm anymore.
I think my primary paradigm just needs a girlfriend.
hm...i took this two ways
the first was my knee-jerk "no one NEEDS another to complete them. get comfortable with yourself first" lesson that i learned after a good 15 years or so of bouncing from relationship to relationship...
but then i thought, "no, he SEEMS to be at a much better place than i was, although it's good to remind..."
so i figure you're just talking about a portion of yourself that just needs to be distracted or something so it can't pop up and bug you...
but i'd still not recommend a girlfriend for him...i'm not sure what i'd recommend...
Haha. I'm not really suggesting that it's a recommended course of action. I'm just pointing out that I'm uncomfortable being single. I suppose, though, that more to the point, I'm uncomfortable being available to most people.
And yeah, I'm primarly saying that I need some distraction.
This is common. Every time I think I'm ready, I prove that I'm not. It happens
Now...do you really prove that you're not? Or are you just so conviced yourself that you're not that you're trying to pick out situations so it seems like you're not ready?
(I'm not saying you are or you're not, I really don't know. Just making you think, though you probably don't need the help.)
Really, I've come to the point that every time I look back to when I thought I was ready, I can safely say: "I wasn't ready, that's for sure."
It's interesting to see.
But then, I have this feeling that no matter when I start, I'm going to have that feeling. On 07/01/04, I thought I was ready. On 08/01/04, I thought I wasn't. On 08/01/05, I thought I was ready, when I wrote that above I thought I was not. It's always going to be like that.
I already do a lot of the clergy stuff around my Grove, so whether I'm ready to do it or not is moot. It's whether I'm ready to do it "officially" or not that is really the question.
All I can say is that I really hope that you will (or have) talked it out with the people you interacted with at Summerlands.
You know when I had my breakup earlier this year, I went "unavailable" for quite a while, there is nothing wrong with just being "not ready" for another relationship. I mean...geez...it's been like, what? A couple weeks? Give yourself a break!
As for the poly, I will continue with my mantra of "There is nothing wrong with being monogamous, there is nothing wrong with being polyamorous, there is nothing wrong with being straight...etc, etc." All that really matters is that you are true to who you are.
I have talked a lot out.
re: the timeframe, it's been not quite 5 months. Not long, really. But it's a whole new feeling for me to be single. A strange one.
And your mantra is correct.
I do my best to prove that I'm human once in a while. Superman was shocked when he first saw his own blood. I'd prefer to know that a cut isn't the end of the world.
|Date:||September 12th, 2005 06:54 pm (UTC)|| |
Re: The real question is, does PSU have a chance against OSU?
Honestly, with the way we played against Texas (obviously the best team in the nation after thier showing at the 'Shoe), I'll be surprised if we can't run the table. Penn State, I understand, won their game. But then again, I also understand they weren't exactly playing the greatest team in the world. . . Hell, I don't even know who they played.
|Date:||September 12th, 2005 09:28 pm (UTC)|| |
I didn't respond to your poll as to why I read your journal. Just couldn't find the words. This post, however, is one of the reasons why I do. Your personal courage and ability to put it all out there is very admirable and inspiring.
*nods* That's the essence of what I got out of the poll, which is why I posted this. Whether it's courage or just a compelling desire to be naked in front of the Internet, though, it's hard to say. I've been called an Internet exhibitionist more than once, and there isn't a single nude picture of me out there.
What a wonderful entry. So many similar feelings on my part. It's nice to see I'm not alone in that way of thinking.
I don't think anyone really is alone in their way of thinking. I just think that we don't broadcast our thoughts enough to show others just what's going on up there.
I am a worrier. Have been since before I met you. That's me as I have been and am to some extent now.
At the moment I am not particularly worried about you.
I really don't have much to say about anything that did happen these past few weeks, I've dealt with any concerns I had.
We aren't best friends, but I do consider you higher up than most. I don't let a lot into the inner sanctum (of those you know, I'd say probably only Monika and Joe have made it). This has a lot to do me not having an understanding of how to interact with you a good part of the time. I care about you, but I know I don't always get you, and that makes me uncomfortable in my mind and actions.
That being said, I respect you and enjoy your company. If we grow closer as friends, I'm open to it. I look forward to travelling to Austria with you.
Hehe: Hey, look! I don't quite know how to interact with you most of the time, too. We're officially even on that score.
But it says something that even if we have no idea how to interact, we can still make pretty good friends.
For what it's worth, I had been a little concerned for you prior to the events that transpired (of which I have been merely an outside observer). Your choices and decisions seem to align closely with my own views, so let's say I'm not as concerned at this point. :) Of course, you already know I'm not the person whose opinion matters.
In any event, I'm creature_tamer and I approved this message. When my species comes to dominate this planet, your name will be placed on the protected scrolls and you shall come to no harm.
I honestly thought your username was "creature_lemur" ... *checks eyes*
|Date:||September 13th, 2005 01:30 pm (UTC)|| |
I'm not applying for Clergy. I thought I was ready. I've found out, yet again, that I'm not. [note: This is common. Every time I think I'm ready, I prove that I'm not. It happens.]
No one of us is perfect, we are all "human". It's not the perfection, but the pursuit of it (and arguably, making some progress :) which is important.
I may be reading into the myths a bit, but it seems to me that many gods are depicted as having certain weaknesses and vices, but nonetheless they are gods, and they find ways to compensate for their weaknesses. Not eliminate them, but compensate for them.
It's a decision you'll need to make for yourself, but you certainly seem to have the spirit and the striving I'd associate with Clergy, and as you pointed out in a comment, you've been doing that work in your Grove anyway. Hopefully, by next week you'll have changed your mind again :)
Last night, I saw something within myself that pointed to being ready to apply for Clergy status. Despite that, I'm still going to put it off some. I can't apply until Oct. 25, anyway, so I have time. Whether I apply then or not will be determined by what I see in myself then, I suppose.