September 19th, 2005
|01:49 pm - Sours to Flowers|
"I find support in the sky and the earth; I find support in expiation and inspiration; I find support in day and night; I find support in food and drink; in the holy power; in the lordly power; in these worlds I find support."
It's interesting, today, how I look out on things. It's a generally happy day, really. We're shockingly light on customers (though there's no shortage of work, for sure), the students are back, and I've gotten to see some people for the first time in a while.
But the escapist in me isn't letting go today. Maybe it's the overcast sky or the fact that I know the Autumn Quarter rush is just now hitting stride. . . but there's a lot I need to get away from.
The past few weeks have shown strange and slightly surprising introspection. In some cases, I wasn't aware of how deep I might actually be. In fact, I thought that the depth of me was pretty similar to the Grow Cube that fred_smith introduced me to today.
I spent the weekend avoiding (for the most part, successfully) the birthday wishes of most people. I don't care for a celebration of myself, never really have, and after last year's attempt at a birthday party fell through horridly (though for everyone's benefit, it seems), I've learned that birthdays are not to be celebrated. So, after receiving birthday wishes from a total of five people (four of them family who can't really be faulted for it), I consider this birthday a complete success. I've grown older, but not so much up. And no one cared.
Hehe. Just the thought that no one cared makes me remarkably happy, actually.
In these worlds, I find support
This was, officially, a good LJ entry!
[Oh, but I was going to mention that this overcast and cool day I've seen no fewer than five crickets. This is significant, but only to me and one other person, but it's significant enough to mention.]
Current Mood: amused
Current Music: "A Pirate Looks at Forty", -JB
And if I didn't write enough yet (Weifei and I are both awake and talking still, for some reason... don't know why)... I wonder if maybe this has to do with having trouble expressing gratitude or something similar. I mean, gods know *I* certainly have issues with gratitude... I hate getting presents because I get all squiggly and touched and frustrated at my inability to properly express my thanks. It's not that I don't feel gratitude and say thank you all the time, but it's just that I can't seem to adequately express how I really feel to be receiving some token of their affections. It's not the gift that matters to me so much as the act of them giving it.
But you know, I still do not make any effort to influence whether or not people give me gifts. I don't grump around (hehe, yes, I AM calling you grumpy at 3 am!) about how people shouldn't give them to me nor guilt trip them for trying to give me something on my birthday. Gifts are kind of like compliments, in a way... I always feel awkward when I receive them because if I accept them happily, I feel egotistical or falsely special, but if I refute or deny them, other people either ignore me or feel chagrined. I am still very awkward at accepting compliments (I always used to just flat-out refuse them, to the point of offensively implying that the other person was stupid/ignorant/blind/whatever) but I have learned that really the joy is in the hands of others if not in me. People LIKE to give gifts and compliments to show their affections. It makes them feel good and they ultimately hope to make you feel good in turn. And if it makes them feel good, I have learned to let it make me feel good in return, and to try to be gracious about whatever rather than stubbornly refusing their attempts at showing affection.
I don't know, I'm not accusing you of being ungrateful or anything like that, but I am saying that it sounds to me like you are trying to make things easier on yourself and justifying it by saying it makes it easier on others because they don't "have" to buy you anything. As if, were we told we HAD to follow certain rules, we would actually do so benignly! Seriously, man, just let people treat you specially on your birthday sometime. Give us more credit than to assume we are sheep who are only behaving according to custom and not our own varied and questionably-motived personalities. :)
And remember, it is not egotistical to celebrate yourself with each new turning of your wheel. No one will think you are self-centered for being foolishly happy one mid-September day just because you find yourself standing on top of a hill looking back at a stack of years full of progressive mischeif.
|Date:||September 20th, 2005 12:55 pm (UTC)|| |
I am, simply, stuck here. A lot of it probably has to do with the way I've felt about myself on and off since Summerland. Yesterday, I spent some time feeling as if I was back on my knees in the mud, naseous and sweating. Hell, I'm feeling it now, just writing about it.
I cannot deal, today, with people being interested in me. It takes all I have to make LJ posts, done mostly to show that I'm still here, still fighting. It'd be easy to curl up and die, to get depressed over things, and to lose the battle. I want to walk away.
But some things are worth fighting for, and if you're going to fight, you have the advantage only if you pick your battles carefully.
This is a battle I can't win today. Maybe tomorrow. Maybe next week. Maybe when I turn 100.
But today, if I fight this battle, I'll lose.
What does this have to do with people liking you? Well, I mean, obviously people wanting to celebrate your birthday has to do with them liking you, but I mean, why are you linking it to Summerland? Are people confessing undying love to you via birthday cards? If so, consider what that relly says. And please remember that people being interested in you is not necessarily your fault or an indication that you have been misguiding others or otherwise wrongly seducing women. Please do not tear yourself up so much over it. When I was a smart kid back in high school (haha, that's a joke) I used to feel AWFUL if a guy started liking me, because I was certain we could never have a working relationship or I wasn't interested or whatever. But I didn't want to hurt their feelings, especially if they were friends, so I would tear myself apart with horrible thoughts about how I was being selfish, ungrateful, frigid, whatever the hell insults high school kids think of. And it sucked a lot. But eventually I began to realize that not everything was my fault. I follow my heart, and if doing so hurts or heals me, that is between my heart and I. You obviously follow your heart too, so trust it. It worries me sometimes to see you so miserable when you have such a strong and sure heart to guide you.
Ever since Summerland, you have been a mess. We have all been confident you would bounce back after you fought the battles you needed to fight, but that doesn't mean you have to plough through everything alone. It also doesn't mean, when you write about them, that we are smirking knowingly or rolling our eyes or otherwise pretending we fully understand. You can say whatever the hell you want -- you know that! -- so don't let writing LJ become a chore or something you do against your will. It's your damn journal, damnit, so keep it for your own damn reasons. If you are having huge issues about something, and you want to write about it every day three times a day, do it. I know you don't, but the point is you should not feel bad for it. You should also not feel bad for feeling it, recorded on LJ or no.
I know this doesn't help at all, but I still wish you the best in overcoming these nasty struggles. I've never been there, but if I can at all be helpful just let me know. Remember that Summerland was NOT a complete abomination or something to be blamed on you -- keep it in perspective. It was a festival full of young people learning and making mistakes. Some mistakes are more drastic than others, but don't forget the good that came of it. You're a tough cookie. Now put on some more JB and kick ass.
|Date:||September 20th, 2005 06:17 pm (UTC)|| |
I think my best response is my most recent post, posted at or just before the time you posted this.