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Ár nDraíocht Féin
Three Cranes
Chaos Matrix

September 22nd, 2005

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10:37 am - Lifting Up the Shards
I've come up with something, a chaos working to deal with certain things in my life.

The problem is, as I plan it, it's becoming more and more clear just how dangerous it is to me personally, and my mental health in particular.

While I admit that it's quite terrifying to think about the implications of it, the possibilities and potential for growth are simply amazing.

The issue, of course, is method. How do I get where I need to go? TOPY would tell me the obvious: "See a cliff, jump off."

There is a lot of work left to do before I decide if this is something I can do, or even need to do.

I promise: there are no tentacles involved. Well, I can't say that there won't be, but I'm certainly not planning any. This is a totally different paradigm.

On a side note, I had an encounter with Eris' mother the other day, and I have a new presentation in the works for PSA or an ADF festival.

Poll #575329 Poll 9: Directions

What should be my single most central concern?

Personal growth
Making sure the shit don't spatter on others
Personal safety.
Avoiding tentacles
Containment: CM workings should only affect the Chaote.
Jumping off the cliff.
Personal sanity.
Doing what needs to be done.
Getting back what has been lost.

Current Mood: contemplativecontemplative
Current Music: "Burn That Bridge", -JB

(29 comments Leave a comment)


[User Picture]
Date:September 22nd, 2005 04:56 pm (UTC)
I also don't like that there is only one choice per person. I think it was a balance of three: personal growth, personal safety, and doing what needs to be done. You do not necessarily have to uphold one at the expense of another.

Because I am somewhat familiar with this working, I have a few thoughts. First off, you are going to do it regardless of what these poll results say. If people seem more concerned about its effect on them than you were hoping, you will incorporate this into your work. Surely you can figure out where these worries fit along the diagram...?

Secondly, its effect will likely be very different on those who understand where you are coming from and those who do not. I don't know if KNOWING what you are doing will make it easier or more difficult -- some people may not notice anything, but if their attention is drawn to this they may be LOOKING for clues and thus open doors that actually were not meant to be involved at all. And this is assuming that the results manifest themselves in you in a way that is dramatic or drastic, which they will inevitably for you but not necessarily for others. After all, personal realms are always very different from the inside than out. And you are not really CHANGING anything... you are separating things. No aspect of you will be removed entirely, simply isolated or configured differently. So the impact on you should not be overwhelming to others. You are not going to LOSE anything. If you do it right.

I am concerned about your safety because of several factors. If you want me to switch them to e-mail because you don't want me babble my warnings / counters to those warnings on here, just let me know. I have a few ideas, all of which are pretty crappy, but some of which may in turn generate better ideas from your side. You're the experienced chaote, not me... but that may mean I can somehow be helpful after all. :P

[User Picture]
Date:September 22nd, 2005 07:21 pm (UTC)
I wasn't as familiar with this working yesterday as I am today. This working is going to be very, very difficult, if it gets done. Coming out of it, potentially, could be impossible. In which case, of course, we'll call it a "success" on the front of Chaos Magic. It just won't be much of a personal success, I suppose.

If I do this, though, it'll be hard not to notice. That's the largest problem with it.
[User Picture]
Date:September 22nd, 2005 08:22 pm (UTC)
Well, tomorrow you'll be even more familiar with it than today, so perhaps an avenue will present itself to you that simply hasn't yet.

I don't know. Would you mind telling an inquiring (*cough NOSY cough*) friend more about what you've figured out sometime?

Remember, people noticing it is not necessarily a problem... of course, now they might KNOW it's the result of magic, which is a bit of shame, but then again, maybe not. It's just a matter of if them "noticing" it entails their relationships with you being changed against their will or without warning, or if them "noticing" it simply means them sensing a change in your personal behaviour or something like that.

Che, I suppose it's frankly just a difficult choice. Most of ignorant little me says you need to do it and it's important that you do it WITHOUT considering how other people will react, because your ability to do it without outside influence is utterly tantamount. Last time I talked to you, YOU told me YOU would be making the decisions as opposed to a deity, etc. It sounds now like you are in danger of inadvertantly giving that control to other people. If you are making too many allowances and allowing too many alternate judgments in, how will you know what goes where?

But, of course, the thing is sharing that control is not necessarily bad. I mean, the thing that worries me most is, what if YOU don't really know which one goes where? Your actions will obviously be tainted (and simultaneously clarified) by your personal experiences, so outside considerations would both clean and stain what you are doing. Are you confident that you can separate things clearly without accidentally putting something that could be good (but whose potential good you do not yet see) somewhere where it should not go?

I suppose the other thing I wonder about is, is it for all practical intents and purposes irreversible? And, in creating black and white out of grey in some areas, do you do it in all? Maybe you could start it in small segments. But then, I don't know what you've worked out, so maybe that wouldn't work.

I derno. Like I said, most of me say that you need to do it (probably the part of me that could use a degree of that myself) but the rest of me wants to know more about it first. :x
[User Picture]
Date:September 22nd, 2005 08:29 pm (UTC)
There will be a very long LJ update on Monday that will explain the cosmology. It's not like it's a secret, it's just freakin' difficult to explain.

The difficulty with making decisions is that this particular working involves a *lot* of darkness, and one man has already failed to come out of it bearing the promised shards.

And no, I'm not at all confident that I can tell the luminous from the base.
[User Picture]
Date:September 22nd, 2005 08:39 pm (UTC)
Haha, good luck explaining it without sounding either cracked out, fluffy, or too smart for us. But then, you've done some pretty funky stuff in the past, so I'm sure people will be able to figure it out.

And I don't know what to tell you about the difficulty... there will be lots. And if you don't know how to swim in it already, you'll either have to learn or drown.

Like that would stop you.

Maybe you should share your control with a deity, guide, person, etc, over what should fall and what should remain in the light?
[User Picture]
Date:September 22nd, 2005 08:45 pm (UTC)
I don't know if I can do this and be Pagan at the time. That's another issue. So it's entirely possible that I won't have any Patrons with me.

Though it's an issue I'll avoid if it's possible.
[User Picture]
Date:September 22nd, 2005 09:12 pm (UTC)
I realize the paradigm isn't pagan, so I wasn't implying a pagan god. I mean, the Morrigan is good for things like that (but you don't like her :P) and as far as actual judgment calls I could see Esus being extremely comforting and helpful, but I meant more of some other form of spirit that would fit that paradigm, like Yawheh (or IAO, because I'm a fan...?) After all, man was not in charge of those decisions to begin with. God knew what was bad and what was good.

The question is, how deeply do you trust the entities you work with in other paradigms? I'd say you'd need to trust in him completely in order for his choices to carry any weight, but then, once you step OUT Of that paradigm, any changes made will remain, so you have to trust that they will be good ones even outside that paradigm. Which is tricky-ass business.

Maybe you should just sacrifice a white cock raised by a first-born black mule who ate nothing but candied scarabs all its life and pour oil on a young virgin boy beforehand, just in case. :P
[User Picture]
Date:September 23rd, 2005 02:08 pm (UTC)
When I work in other paradigms, there is no reason not to trust these entities. YHVH is just as reliable when I'm being a Jewish mystic as Esus is when I'm being Pagan.

Besides, things like Angels are pretty predictable.
[User Picture]
Date:September 24th, 2005 02:42 pm (UTC)

Other paradigms...

Maybe you should just sacrifice a white cock raised by a first-born black mule who ate nothing but candied scarabs all its life and pour oil on a young virgin boy beforehand, just in case.

Are we talking about chronarchy's working or your fantasies?
[User Picture]
Date:September 25th, 2005 05:07 pm (UTC)

Re: Other paradigms...

My fantasies, of course. Who DOESN'T dream about sacrificial animals and little boys coated in olive oil...?


Actually, it's a reference to how they work magic in the Greek Magical Papyri. They always use these RIDICULOUS sacrifices that are pretty much nuts... and that was an example of one, more or less. But, I'm sure there are plenty of people out there who would enjoy that.

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