Chronarchy (chronarchy) wrote,

  • Mood:
  • Music:

"There are good days and bad days and going half-mad days. . ."

I've been drawing trees of life and sephirot and labyrinths and emanations and sketches of God's personality. I bought two more books on Judaism, one of them on mysticism and the other on Sabbatai Zevi. I checked out necklaces representing various Kabbalistic ideas at the RenFest on Saturday, yet decided not to purchase.

A thought occurred to me while standing in line to get some food on Saturday. All this work in this paradigm may, very well, be over the top. It's entirely possible that I can get back what I feel I've lost though much simpler (and more Pagan) methods of piety and prayer.

I ought to confess something:

My altar has remained untouched since Summerland.

Honestly, I struggle with piety daily. I always have. My meditation journals are pretty crappy, honestly, and show that I had serious issues with mental discipline to start with. I shoot for twice daily devotionals, and in good times, I manage them. But as things have come up (or fallen down), the good times have been fewer than the bad ones for me.

This, in itself, doesn't bother me (i.e. that there are more bad than good times). Such things are par for the course when one is trying to get over a breakup.

What does bother me is my neglect of my altar and devotions. I certainly don't believe any less, I'm not having any sort of crisis of faith. . . yet I can't seem to get to my altar for 30 seconds to light three candles and stand in the presence I so love to stand in.

Perhaps, in the end, I generally find myself feeling unworthy, which is strange because I know I'm not. I know that no matter what, when I stand before my altar the next time, I'll be filled with those things I long to be filled with. It could be tomorrow or ten years from now, and the feeling will be the same. I don't feel like I've done things against my faith, or like I should be punsihed or anything like that. . . a religion without sin doesn't have room for those feelings. Yet at the same time, I have been acting as if my altar isn't even there.

I don't lack connection to my deities, either. I can feel them, see them, and taste them throughout my reality. They permeate just as strongly as they always have.

And yet dust gathers on my altar.

I feel that this is terribly wrong, and yet, I'm unsure how to fix it. I have no illusions about a magic wand that will make my bad days into good ones, or even really a sense that more good days will fix this issue.

Something tells me, though, that fixing the issue might just bring in more good days than bad.

But yesterday was a good day. I spent much of it chatting over IM with, exchanging emails with, reading letters from, or talking (in person or on the phone) with some of the most important people in my life.

Some examples:

I got into my office and found an IM waiting from Erien. In between customers and tickets, we had a wonderful, if short, conversation.

I saw singingwren and mistw02 briefly at lunch for a short chat with both and a flip through a Maxim magazine with the former.

I came home to not one but five letters from shizukagozen, which I then puzzled through the order of and I *think* I managed to read them in order. They're amazing letters, the kind you cherish for years and years. (And she only misspelled one word, go her!)

Tina came home shortly after that, and we made plans to go see Star Wars Ep. III. She'd never seen it, so we had dinner together and waited for the showtime to roll around.

While waiting for the night to sufficiently advance so that we weren't bumming around Sawmill and Bethel for four hours, healing_coyote called, and we chatted for a good hour until her hunger finally won out and she had to go eat.

Add to this that I got to converse with various other people, from jadewaterflame to perlgirlju, and you have a winning combination for a good day.
Tags: friends, hotties, piety

  • Post a new comment


    default userpic

    Your reply will be screened

    Your IP address will be recorded 

    When you submit the form an invisible reCAPTCHA check will be performed.
    You must follow the Privacy Policy and Google Terms of use.