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Ár nDraíocht Féin
Three Cranes
Chaos Matrix

October 8th, 2005

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02:46 pm - I've been MIA for a while. Sorry about that.
I'm working my way through a pair of oracles that I'll be posting here and on ADF-Seers when I get them uploaded. One's an ancient Christian oracle, and the other is the Homeric Oracle from the PGM. Both are well suited to being placed on the web.

Edit: Both the Homeric and Christian oracles are now online, and I'm still too sick to go do anything, really, though I'll be watching the game tonight at a friend's.

I'm also listening to a country song called "I'm Tired of Pretending I Don't Love You Anymore" by Travis Tritt. It's amusing how true country songs can sometimes be.

I started writing this entry yesterday (Thursday), and today (Friday) I wrote some as well. I don't know when it'll get posted, as I'm home sick from work, and posting isn't always an option. On the bright side, I got to spend a lot of time on magic, read a lot, and did my best to avoid daytime TV. Frighteningly, I'm watching Jerry Springer at the moment, though. "Are you having an affair but feel like it's your lover's fault you're cheating?" Geez, who answers "yes" to that question?

In the time that I was dating Tina, I had very, very rare thoughts about women other than Tina. Sometimes I wonder if I'm an exception or the rule. In fact, for long periods of time, I wouldn't even begin to fantasize about other women. While I still enjoyed looking, I'd look at a beautiful woman the same way that I would look at beautiful jewelry or watch a well-made movie. While they're entrancing, the thought of trying on the jewelry never crosses my mind, nor does acting in the movie.

I worked very hard to be honest. Any crush or fantasy I did have I talked to her about. Well, I did that once. Tina took that very poorly, though, so I simply stopped saying anything, and she never asked. In the end, it wasn't important to tell her the rare, odd fantasy because she took it so poorly the one time. I ended up feeling so guilty about the honesty, that I couldn't bring myself to say anything again.

Fortunately for me, the frequency of fantasies was incredibly rare to begin with, so it wasn't an issue of dishonesty to me, but more of a feeling of, "Mentioning this is going to cause problems, and when I'm honest with myself, fantasies don't affect my relationship at all." After the first one I told Tina about (I actually mentioned two or three that were running through my head at the time), they dropped off to almost nothing. The fantasies I did have about those particular women ended entirely. I still admired, but again, there was no desire to do more than look, nothing you could call a "fantasy" and be proper about.

In the end, I don't understand cheating. I can barely comprehend extensive fantasizing about someone who isn't your significant other because it's been so damn rare for me.

This has, of course, caused issues now that I'm single. I no longer have a single person to focus on, and interest in more than one person at a time is something I don't know how to deal with. Not everyone realizes that I spent 30% of my entire life with Tina, including my entire adult life (from 18 to 25). For that portion of my life, there wasn't any possibility that any other person might be something more than a friend. The possibilities today are mind-blowing to me, and they're also often terrifying.

Of course, this terror is tempered by the absolutely secure knowledge that I have friends I can talk to and trust. It amazes me how I see women now (I was shocked at how, when I went out with Brian the night Tina broke up with me, I could see far more beauty than I ever had before, beauty that had previously been totally eclipsed by Tina), and in particular how I see my closest female friends. I'm constantly astounded at the depths I see in them, things I could never access before. Perhaps I was just blind to how wonderful they are and can be because I didn't need the level of trust, safety, and love that I've received in the past five months. That's not to say that I was only seeing the surface of beauty or that I was basing my friendship or trust on a false sense of who the person was. . . But instead of believing that these women are deep, wonderful women, I now see that they're bottomless in their depth, and I'll never see the end of their concern for me.

My friends have been there more than I ever thought anyone could. I was astounded when one burst into tears when one found out that Tina had broken up with me. One talked with me extensively the day of, and for weeks afterwards, discussing options, other women, and how I was holding up. One just smiled and helped me weed my garden, knowing I'd talk about it when I was ready.

So a thank you to all those who have been there for me. Some have heard more than others, and no one really knows what the full story of my feelings is (heck, even I don't), but everyone who has been reading silently and who has chatted with me in person or over IM or over the phone has been helpful. Some of you have helped keep me from slipping into depression (laughter hasn't been banishing as well as it used to), some of you have rebuilt my confidence from the shattered fragments, and some of you have reminded me what it's like to be safe again. You've all stuck with me through the hardest time of my life, and I cannot tell you how much that means to me, but this is a start.

I'm the guy you know today because I've had such skilled gardeners tending me. I'm growing thanks to you, where others might have been stunted or died. I have good friends, and I don't thank them enough.

Well, that was a bit more verbose than I intended that aside to be, so back to Jerry.

I admit, it's fun to watch Jerry's expression during the show. I don't think that the former mayor of Cincinnati ever really expected to be here. Often, it's like he's watching a train-wreck. He's been doing this for fifteen years, and I think he's still completely at a loss for words. It's obvious that words simply fail to express what goes on when the cameras start rolling.

Here's hoping he can run for Governor of Ohio and bring some integrity back to our government.
Current Mood: accomplished
Current Music: "Tonight I Just Need My Guitar", -JB

(33 comments Leave a comment)


[User Picture]
Date:October 9th, 2005 01:41 pm (UTC)
Well, anger doesn't have a place in my life. Even being angry at the self is so fleeting as to be entirely ignored. It generally seems to be a completely useless emotion.

While Tina had always made it clear that cheating was entirely inexcusable, I never felt like it was ever something I thought would be a problem. Rather, I simply saw no reason to waste my time on most women. They simply didn't compare. Had Tina told me that sleeping around was fine, I still wouldn't have done it. Quite simply, other women were not interesting to me. While I like to flirt, there's no intent behind it (other than perhaps to get the girl to blush). It was fun and games and no temptation whatsoever.

The first fantasies confused the hell out of me, because there was no actual desire, and I never had a problem saying "no". In fact, it was quite easy. Attraction occurred, but it was still like the jewelry. . . sure it's pretty, but who buys that stuff? It's for looking and not touching. I generally couldn't find a fantasy involving a woman other than Tina to be something that would intrigue me more than once. It was extremely rare that I'd have fantasies that would recur over time.

Actually, even now, I pretend to have more fantasies than I do. In the end, all I want is one woman.

The problem is that right now, I don't know which one is that one :)
[User Picture]
Date:October 9th, 2005 05:14 pm (UTC)
Once again I feel we share similar views on a subject. I salute you for being in control of your hormones rather than vice versa. I can only hope that if I were in that situation, I would be able to stay true to my convictions with as much grace as you seem to have.

And no, Jerry Springer as governor is not going to happen on my watch. I could possibly tolerate importing Arnold from California if it weren't for his left-leaning social policies. I'm thinking we might be best to stick with professional wrestlers. Perhaps "Macho Man" Randy Savage, who might still have enough connections to move some of the Slim Jim manufacturing operations to Ohio.
[User Picture]
Date:October 9th, 2005 05:38 pm (UTC)
I will have a very, very difficult time voting for a Republican governor this time around. Last time the choice was rather simple. Then, about a month after the vote, we found out what was actually being done with out tax money.

Of course, Taft didn't thank his "assorted spouses" in his acceptance speech, like his opponent did in his concession speech. Taft won a few points for his apparent grasp of grammar that day.
[User Picture]
Date:October 9th, 2005 09:08 pm (UTC)
Don't get me started on Bob "Tax and Spend" Taft. I think the Republican party about had its fill of him long before the incidents you refer to. I think it's a shame that you seem to be transferring his behaviour to the party at large, but ultimately your vote is your choice.
[User Picture]
Date:October 10th, 2005 04:42 am (UTC)
I'm not really transferring to the party at large. . . I just feel that, given the way the Ohio Republican Party has been running this place, I'm going to need to see some real proof that they can change direction (more to the point, that they *want* to change direction) before I'll give them my vote.

But the Republican Party is not the party I grew up loving. Damnit, I miss my GOP. I miss the "hands-off" idea of government, the desire to not meddle in most personal affairs. When Ken Blackwell called me and told me to deny someone the right to get married, I swore I'd never vote for the man. My elected representatives aren't representing me if they're denying, rather than granting, rights to people.

And Eddie Pauline keeps spaming my damn email account. I swear, it's becoming really annoying. If he's willing to harvest email addresses, what other underhanded tricks might he pull?

Honestly, it's individual politicians I have problems with. I give everyone a fair shake to get my vote, and I read up on 'em. But yeah, given the trouble this crew has had running this state, it's almost enough to turn me Democratic.

It's a damn shame that I was raised to vote my conscience, not a party line.
[User Picture]
Date:October 10th, 2005 05:27 pm (UTC)
It's a damn shame that I was raised to vote my conscience, not a party line.

I vote to win. The odds that one politician will agree with me on even a majority of issues are negligible. If through painstaking research and careful risk analysis I was to miraculously find such a person running for each office in every election, there's still the matter of actually getting them elected.

Every vote does NOT count, no matter what the League of Women Voters or your History teacher say. Our democracy (with a small "d") is a rule of the majority, and rightly so. Candidates like Nader and Perot have always been pawns in the greater scheme of things (sometimes to the benefit of one side, sometimes to the benefit of the other). For me to be truly successful in an election, I need to support the candidate who has the best blend of views I support and enough political capital to score a win. That is only accomplishable in the current system through party support.

Each party has a core platform of beliefs that are generally upheld on an individual basis (of course allowing for the occasional rogue like Taft). Just as important as core principles is the behind the scenes pressure to tow the party line in order to increase the political gains of the group as a whole. That is why a truly endorsed Republican candidate will always be closer to me in action (even if not in thought) than his Democrat counterpart.
[User Picture]
Date:October 10th, 2005 06:17 pm (UTC)
Oh, I'm not going to go looking at people with no shot of winning. I do a very similar thing, except that I prefer to vote on a level further down than you do. I would never throw away my vote on, say, Nader, when I have the chance and opportunity to vote for someone like Gore or Bush who *will* win. . . and my vote is likely to count there.

Of course, living in a working class area of Franklin County, I'm about 35% sure that my vote did count in the last election, anyway. Who knows, maybe I didn't even vote?
[User Picture]
Date:October 10th, 2005 04:21 pm (UTC)
Well, anger doesn't have a place in my life. Even being angry at the self is so fleeting as to be entirely ignored. It generally seems to be a completely useless emotion.

Heh. My anger is always a strong & powerful emotion- it took me a long time to learn to channel the energy into something useful. When I was younger, I just ended up swearing a lot. And sometimes write an op-ed piece for the school magazine. One of my friends took to calling me "The Voice of Angry Youth".

And like I said, the only reason cheating occured to be was because I was lonely & miserable. I didn't think it was right- hence never actually doing it.

In the end, all I want is one woman.

Good luck figuring that out. :)

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