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Ár nDraíocht Féin
Three Cranes
Chaos Matrix

October 17th, 2005

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09:38 am - Betrayal
I was doing very well last week, until Friday afternoon. Of course, nearly all of the entries in my LJ were not written last week at all, but were written the week before, while I was sick on the couch. But my mood was good, and I was happy and enjoying myself.

Then, on Friday afternoon, I hit a low.

It was a strange low, one that I may have possibly suspected would come, but I don't think I was prepared for it.

Things seemed to come to a head that day, and I ended up feeling betrayed.

I've never felt this way before. And I didn't feel betrayed by someone predictable, or by someone I might have expected this feeling to come from. . . I felt betrayed by people I never expected could or would betray me.

It's a signal to me, mentally, about how I'm getting out of the funk I was in, though, that I was able to take this feeling and examine it.

I looked very closely at this feeling. While it affected me more than I think it should have, the mere fact that I was able to look at it and discover its roots, and then (finally) dismiss it around 7 AM Saturday morning says a lot about how far I've come.

I found the root of the issue, and I realized that there was no actual betrayal, just a feeling of it. It was a feeling that didn't ever really need to be felt, a feeling that I should have been able to ignore from the beginning.

Had this happened six months ago, it would not have been an issue. And that perspective helped.

As it stands, I can still feel the sting, but it's dull. It's like it's not really there, but a memory of the pain remains. And I know that it never had to be there in the first place.

It doesn't seem important to me who I felt the betrayal from, or the circumstances that surrounded it. What I feel is important, though, is that I was able to work through it, to realize the feeling wasn't based in reality, and to discard it like three-week-old fish.

More on my weekend to come, but this belonged in a separate entry.
Current Mood: accomplished
Current Music: "USS Zydecoldsmobile", -JB

(14 comments Leave a comment)


[User Picture]
Date:October 17th, 2005 01:54 pm (UTC)

Off topic, but yeah...

I was listening to a CD last night and I thought you might like it so I'm gonna burn it and send it to you.

..I have no clue why this is being put into a comment. Maybe you needed a warning?
Date:October 17th, 2005 02:12 pm (UTC)
I'm glad you were able to work though it.

FEeling betrayed is one of the worst feelings ever, imo. but if you can get through it and discard it, you rock.
[User Picture]
Date:October 17th, 2005 03:01 pm (UTC)
Yeah, I agree. Except, discarding a three-week-old fish is a sort of disturbing metaphor. It brings to mind the question: what were you doing that involved you keeping a dead fish on hand for three weeks?
[User Picture]
Date:October 17th, 2005 03:02 pm (UTC)
Making fish sauce.
[User Picture]
Date:October 17th, 2005 03:13 pm (UTC)
*horror slowly dawns on face*
THAT's how they make it...?

[User Picture]
Date:October 17th, 2005 03:18 pm (UTC)
[User Picture]
Date:October 17th, 2005 03:33 pm (UTC)
Thanks for making my reality a little more ominous.
[User Picture]
Date:October 17th, 2005 02:42 pm (UTC)
It's good to know you handle betrayal so well.

*goes back to polishing knives while waiting for blackmail photos to dry and the Department of Homeland Security to call her back*....
Date:October 17th, 2005 02:55 pm (UTC)
[User Picture]
Date:October 17th, 2005 03:26 pm (UTC)
Working through things- particularly things that don't make much sense to begin with- is a damn good thing.

Hell, recognizing that you're being irrational in the first place is more than most folks can manage.
Date:October 17th, 2005 04:08 pm (UTC)
I get that betrayal feeling sometimes. The last time it happened because of transferance (among other things).

Whether or not it's based in reality it's a pretty sucky feeling.

Glad you managed to deal.
[User Picture]
Date:October 17th, 2005 06:07 pm (UTC)
kudos for your strength of will...strong enough to examine your own feelings....


it is hard betrayal....

working through it is a good thing...

wish more people could do what you did....
Date:October 17th, 2005 08:28 pm (UTC)

Betrayal sucks. Even just feeling betrayal sucks.
[User Picture]
Date:October 18th, 2005 08:10 pm (UTC)
Betrayal feels really shitty, but I usually find that it is based upon me having an idea about someone that wasn't based in fact, but more in projection. Then, when they let me down, because they are just being themselves, and not who I think they should be, I feel "betrayed."

Oftentimes, I find the fault lies in my own perception.

It also often clues me into realizing better who someone is, and from there, I can make different choices about that person, if I feel it is warranted.

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