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Ár nDraíocht Féin
Three Cranes
Chaos Matrix

November 15th, 2005

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08:50 am - A clear will and a strong sense of clarity go hand in hand.
It's been crazy here, and will be more crazy before the end of the day, so here's a pre-work update of a few things I've been thinking about over the past week or so that (unfortunately) may be the only update that gets done today:


Why is it sometimes so damn hard to say, "I'm sorry, but this just isn't working out"?

Is it because you want it to work out? Is it because you feel obligation? Is it because you are looking too hard for reasons that it should?

I don't know. Sometimes, though, the honest thing is the hardest thing.

Even when it's so obviously easy.


I've realized that my clarity isn't what it could be. I need to find ways to be more certain of my intent and of how well that intent is conveyed.

I cannot and should not be insecure with what I want.


Clarity seems to be a major issue. I'm feeling completely unclear on so many fronts and in so many ways.

Am I clear about what I want? Or perhaps more correctly, am I clear about what I don't?

Maybe I just need everyone to realize that sometimes I don't know what I want, and that's okay.

But the most important thing I want to be clear about?

Just because I don't know what I want, I'm not necessarily looking to find out what it is. I can't be told what I do want, or what I need. Others' conceptions of my desires, or their will for my desires, is not going to make mine match.

Nothing is created when their will attempts to shape mine except a deeper rift between their desire and my will.

Is that clear?


Finally, Infinity has joined the ranks of the hunters, catching her first mouse last night. I managed to get it away from her, but it died as I watched. I'm proud of my girl. Very, very proud. (For those wondering, yes, she's an indoor cat, and the mouse was caught indoors. I'm not quite irresponsible enough to let my cats outside.)

And thank you all for the addresses. Now to figure up how much I need to set aside just for postage. . .
Current Mood: busy
Current Music: "Volcano:, -JB

(35 comments Leave a comment)


Date:November 15th, 2005 02:37 pm (UTC)
You know, you don't need postage for some of us. As long as you remember to give up the goodies, then it doesn't matter if we find them in the mail or in your extended hand. The point is, that you thought of us while you were there. However, or other people, postage will still be an issue. But don't worry about wasting your change on me Michael Dangler, well, unless it's a present of course. lol.

BTW...you might not want people to reply to the first part, but I have to say. Do you know what my only desire for you is? To see the smiles back in your eyes. I want to see my friend happy. I not going to try and tell you how to make that happen, because well, that'd be impossible. And I'm not saying, "Be happy damnit, now," because that's just stupid. But that's what I'd like to see. How that happens, that's up to you; how long that it takes to happen, well, that's up to you too. But yeah. That's all that I have to say.
Date:November 15th, 2005 03:07 pm (UTC)
i would have to ditto that....(darn you for getting to it first!)

i like presents but i don't need them.
i like mail when it is not bills, but i don't need it either

i do need my friends to take care of themselves and be gentle with themselves when they need to be. unclarity (huh?) is a pretty normal response to what i think it is you're talking about (there you go being vague again :D ), although i think that if you KNOW something isn't working, it matters little the reasons why, especially if it's not going to work. you need to make the change. (now *I'm* being vague...mwahahaha....IM me if you have time...)
[User Picture]
Date:November 15th, 2005 03:42 pm (UTC)
I agree with mistw02. And I've found, over the years (I'm pulling age rank on you now...), that sometimes - *sometimes* - it isn't the best thing to dissect one's life so much that it becomes analytical. Sometimes it's best to just let everything happen as it may. Life's too damn complicated enough as it is... sometimes simple is actually best. :)

And kudos to Infinity! She's *such* a pretty kitty, too!! Those *eyes*! If ever eyes were a window into a cat's soul...
[User Picture]
Date:November 15th, 2005 04:19 pm (UTC)
*sometimes* - it isn't the best thing to dissect one's life so much that it becomes analytical...

Ditto. Got time for BE and blueberry pancakes anytime this week?
Date:November 15th, 2005 04:15 pm (UTC)
I think we should just make out, it'll make you feel better... until you become two dimensional.
[User Picture]
Date:November 15th, 2005 04:51 pm (UTC)
m3ch has probably been exercising, what with that pilgrimage. He might be able to catch me now if I have to run away.
[User Picture]
Date:November 15th, 2005 04:57 pm (UTC)
I like your icon again.
I always like them, it seems. :)

And to Mike:

You're kind of a funny kid. You've definitely taught ME not to overanalyze, and I'm certain you're much the same way. You remind me that people just need to accept things as they are without demanding reasons sometimes, because life can be much more pleasant and delicious if you let it be the jello that your thoughts wrestle in. Drink something cool, listen to some JB, and otherwise just relax... they're good ideas. I'm not worried about you taking your own advice.

But, I really do think despite that you analyze way more than a lot of us. I don't believe it's because you're being a total worry-wort like some people might suggest, but rather because you have this freak thing called a conscience that I could never quite figure out. Don't know what to tell you there, as I can still personally use the excuse that I haven't been taught morals yet (mwaha), other than good luck.

Whether or not it makes a differene, I think maybe you SHOULD continue to analyze strongly at this point in your life. I mean, with so much craziness and confusion, sometimes one just has to think really damn hard. It's not easy, but then, neither is jello-wrestling sometimes. Either way, you'll figure stuff out, so just gimme a call when you're feeling better and you want to run away to some beach in North Carolina.

[User Picture]
Date:November 15th, 2005 05:14 pm (UTC)

Er, hi.

Hi. I'm a member of the dedicant's community, and I wandered over to your journal one day, and decided that I like what I read here, so I've friended you (not that that was a run-on sentence, or anything). I hope you don't mind. If it's a problem, let me know, I'm not easily offended.

[User Picture]
Date:November 15th, 2005 06:01 pm (UTC)

Re: Er, hi.

No worries. I think I noticed a couple days ago and friended you back. Well, I know I friended someone back. I'm slow to do that, though, and usually do it when I think about it. I'll friend back if I haven't already in the near future.

Wow, I probably could have done it in the time it took to explain that.
Date:November 15th, 2005 07:19 pm (UTC)
ergly sblyg asdfoig fyeo;g cmpw[f gjdp poo!

try to analyze that, you over/under analyzing monkey!

tee hee, miss ya and see ya soon
[User Picture]
Date:November 15th, 2005 07:26 pm (UTC)
Come on, give me a difficult one.

You obviously want to throw me down on a bed and have your way with me. More to the point, you're going to be greeting me with a kiss at the airport, one that I'll never forget, and then we'll be moving on from there in the parking lot. Heck, you'll probably have rented a car and will have your way with me in the front seat! You won't even be able to wait until we find a bed!


[User Picture]
Date:November 15th, 2005 08:45 pm (UTC)
Maybe I just need everyone to realize that sometimes I don't know what I want, and that's okay.

It's OK for you to not know what you want. Just point out who doesn't realize this to me & I will smack them for you. :)

Just because I don't know what I want, I'm not necessarily looking to find out what it is. I can't be told what I do want, or what I need. Others' conceptions of my desires, or their will for my desires, is not going to make mine match.

Very, very true.
[User Picture]
Date:November 15th, 2005 08:47 pm (UTC)
[User Picture]
Date:November 16th, 2005 05:03 am (UTC)
Congratulations to Infinity on the mouse! Did she eat it afterwards, or was it a present for you? Ours used to catch crickets, and leave the legs behind. I never knew if they were left as a present, or to show us what they (the kitties) had accomplished so we could praise them, or because the legs felt scratchy and they didn't want to eat them.

I've always wanted cats who would leave me presents of "things" they caught.

We don't seem to have mice here. But ours are good at catching spiders!
[User Picture]
Date:November 16th, 2005 02:03 pm (UTC)
I had to pry the thing out of her mouth. This time of year, mice are high in fat :)

Just helping her watch her girlish figure.

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