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December 1st, 2005


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07:03 pm - My friends talk a lot :)
Well, 940 friends entries later, I'm caught up.

Or I would be, if I retained more than about 10% of that. But I read it all.

Of course, there were certain people I retained a good deal more from. Thanks for the surprise, mayden_dor. I did need that.

Today, though, has been interesting. A couple of ups and downs. You know, someone once asked me if I was bipolar. At the time, I figured he was wondering if both my feet and my head were cold at the same time.

Now, I just laugh at the suggestion. I'm about as normal as the next person.

Over the past week, it's been pointed out that my openness will get me into more trouble as time goes on. It's already led to some loss of some important things, drawn complaints, and seriously affected friendships. It's a frightful thing when plain honesty can get you into deeper shit than you can find on any farm, especially when all you're doing is trying to work shit out that's confusing you to no end.

But I realized something about the gossip that I want to have about me: I don't want any of it to come from my own mouth. I don't care what people think I've done, who they think I've done it to, or how dirty they think it was. I will, in fact, encourage you to make up stories as I always have. I simply don't want to lead them onto the conclusion through outright offering of that information.

Take those shadowpuppets, for instance: that night is one of my fondest memories, but damn if it's anyone's business what happened. Now, if you want to make up a story, feel free. I even hope to hear about it! You just aren't getting any information from me.

So some people will find things off-limits with me. I don't mind what you make up in your own mind, but I won't be party to some of it. This isn't really a change: some things have always been off limits. But it's a conscious effort for the first time in a long time. If I don't make this effort, I'm going to lose more than I already have.

(i.e. expect more cryptic posts that can't be guessed at.)

I think that the real issue is not at all that I'm worried about myself, but about the others who get hurt in the process.

And if you think I'm growing up, let me put that to rest: fuck that. If this looks like "growing up," then I'm afraid I'm going to have to call a spade a spade and tell you that you're just jaded. I'm just playing a new game, one which none of you get to know the rules to yet. I'm dropping parts that are now useless and re-emerging with parts that are useful. I will not be told that I'm "gaining wisdom with age" or any useless shit like that. It's been insinuated in the past, and I do not believe that age has anything to do with anything in the real world. Does it in my head, or your head? Sure. But the brightest stars are still in the flush of their youth. I'm not so much "young" anymore, and haven't ever thought of myself as young. Hell, I've always thought of myself as me, and I have to seriously think to figure out how old I am. The young always know their age. If you don't believe me, ask a three year old.

There's a deep anger, I suppose, in this post. I'm not sure what brought it on, but it appeared as I was writing it. I was smiling when I started, and now I have a pounding in my chest that isn't at all comfortable. I did something last week out of spite. I did another out of love. They don't balance out, and I'm not sure they were meant to. It was the first time I'd done anything out of conscious spite, and it made me feel rather sick about it. . . but I did it anyway.

I wonder who I have to get permission to post my Walking With Fire review to my LJ from? I'm reading Where is Joe Merchant?, a book I took to Austria to hand off to fred_smith; I'll need to send it now, when I finish it. I'm terribly worried about a very close friend. I've written an article for OL and sent it in. I have to call Psyche, or maybe stop by her shop. I'm afraid to check my bank balance because I know what I'll find there: it'll start with a dash, and I can't handle that well. I'm angry with myself for not having trouble with my baggage when my travel partner did. I'm incredibly happy that none of this actually matters. I can feel depression tugging (I've felt it before), and I'm confident that I'll escape it this time, as I have many times before. I wish I knew the name of that girl in Paris, and I know I will if she writes me. I need to finish cleaning up my tickets for work. I need to fill out paperwork for missing extra days. I miss Tina. I'm happy without her. I don't know who I can trust, yet I know perfectly well who I can. I absolutely require the book Wind, Sand and Stars, a title I've often quoted, but never read the work it heads. I want to play a game of dominos. No, I want to win a game of dominos, one on which I've bet $346.32. I need to find someone who can make me a silver knife (smithing_chick?). I also need a revolver.

Han Solo and Princess Leia stand side by side on my keyboard, and that gives me some real, solid hope.

Now, it's time for home and bed. I'm beat. Or maybe I'll watch The Empire Strikes Back tonight. There's someone I just want to be close to.
Current Mood: aggravatedaggravated
Current Music: "Sea of Heartbreak", -JB

(15 comments Leave a comment)

Comments:


(Deleted comment)
[User Picture]
From:chronarchy
Date:December 2nd, 2005 12:41 pm (UTC)

Re: Perhaps this was yours.

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Amazing how that works, ain't it?
[User Picture]
From:lisbet
Date:December 2nd, 2005 02:29 am (UTC)
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Hey, welcome back! I'm glad you got to see the Esus altar!!! Nice pic.

Oh, we got our new Oak Leaves in the mail yesterday (Winter issue #31). Was looking forward to reading your article about conflict resolution..."What to do if Mediation isn't for You." *grin* Ah well, it was still very nice to read about your daily altar activities, anyway.
[User Picture]
From:chronarchy
Date:December 2nd, 2005 12:41 pm (UTC)
(Link)
*snickers* Time to go see if that was my mistake, or someone else's . . . *laughs* Either way, I like it.
[User Picture]
From:rfunk
Date:December 2nd, 2005 05:25 am (UTC)

openness

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Interesting, I've been having thoughts about openness lately that seem somewhat like the other side of yours - in my case, feeling like others are being a little too open about me. However, that's somewhat related to not having posted much lately, which seems closer to your "more cryptic posts" result.

Sounds like the whole WWF adventure has been a transformative experience.

A revolver? Oh my.
[User Picture]
From:chronarchy
Date:December 2nd, 2005 12:44 pm (UTC)

Re: openness

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Things before WWF were more transformative. There was the 30 hours of no sleep on the trip that solidified them, though.

As for the revolver, well, I'm trying to get that kit together.
[User Picture]
From:ariansdreams
Date:December 2nd, 2005 05:32 am (UTC)
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I have no idea what you're talking about...(although I think you planned it that way)...but I hope everything gets better.

Pax,
Li
[User Picture]
From:chronarchy
Date:December 2nd, 2005 12:42 pm (UTC)
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Wish I knew what I was talking about.
[User Picture]
From:qorinda
Date:December 2nd, 2005 05:37 am (UTC)
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Interesting post. I find myself wanting to find out more about that anger.... And of course I am curious about the spite thing too. But, that's all yours, and it's yours to tell or not, as you choose.
[User Picture]
From:chronarchy
Date:December 2nd, 2005 12:42 pm (UTC)
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I'm not sure what the anger is about, but I'm positive about the spite.
[User Picture]
From:singingwren
Date:December 2nd, 2005 03:17 pm (UTC)
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Part of the reason honesty is so powerful is that it cuts so deeply.

Sometimes it cuts through bullshit; othertimes it cuts through hearts.

But, isn't there a difference between being honest and being open?
[User Picture]
From:chronarchy
Date:December 2nd, 2005 03:50 pm (UTC)
(Link)
I have no idea. Let me know when we get to Integrity.

Honesty, though, only seems to really cut those who aren't willing to deal with it, or those who don't know how to alter reality enough to make it irrelevant.

I'm not sure I am, or know how.
From:(Anonymous)
Date:December 2nd, 2005 03:56 pm (UTC)

damn virtues... *mutters*

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"Honesty, though, only seems to really cut those who aren't willing to deal with it, or those who don't know how to alter reality enough to make it irrelevant."

That's the problem, though. When you are dealing with honesty between two people, you are dealing with the reality that encompasses them both. They co-operate in another layer of reality together, and therefore it is not the entitlement of either side to decide what is 'irrelevant.' It has to be mututally agreed on. One side going 'whatever' may make that side feel temporarily better, but really, they are simply retreating into a new reality of theirs without making the effort to fix the one in which they co-exist with the other.

Or some such shit like that.
[User Picture]
From:singingwren
Date:December 2nd, 2005 03:56 pm (UTC)

Re: damn virtues... *mutters*

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Bitches and hoes, it made me anonymous. Eep!
From:tanrinia
Date:December 2nd, 2005 10:02 pm (UTC)
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there are a variety of ways to be honest. one can be honest and tactful and sensitive; one can be honest and cruel.
From:weavingfire
Date:December 2nd, 2005 05:26 pm (UTC)

thing is...

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The young always know their age. If you don't believe me, ask a three year old.

I asked an almost 3 year old and he just kept saying "look at me! I'm Maxwell!"

On a more serious note, I've found that age and wisdom have just about zero to do with each other.

As my boss says: "There are two types of teachers who have worked for 20 years. The first is the teacher who has gathered 20 years of knowledge in teaching and learning, and the second is the teacher who just repeated that first year 19 times"

He said it better, I'm sure but I can't recall the exact wording.

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