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December 2nd, 2005


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10:57 am - I'm lost in a sea of . . . something sticky.
I have another browser window open. The page it's open to is the "Account Status" page, where, with a simple push of a button, you can remove yourself forever from LiveJournal. It interests me that I've been thinking recently about this.

The thing is, there are things I've wanted to escape.

There has been fear of success and praise. There has been a feeling that I own too much stuff and that I'll never walk alone again. There have been resignation letters to ADF that have been thrown into the recycle bin. There have been job opportunities in other states that I have turned down last minute. There have been friends who have been hurt that I can't repair feelings with. There have been loves that seem lost forever. There are questions I don't want to answer, jobs I don't want to do. There are choices that seem so stupid now, and yet they all seem like I'd do them again if given half the chance. I feel closed in on by my friends more than I feel supported by them.

It's nothing new, feeling like this. I lost 20 lbs. over the past 2 or 3 months. I've gained back about 15 of it, but I'm still obviously skinny. I'm learning to deal with it on certain levels, but not on others.

Running from these things, though, isn't the answer. Getting back to what I think of as "me" isn't easy, but it's important. I'm no use to anyone like this, and I know that. And no one really deserves to be around me in this state. Hell, I know that people who have read my journal in the past are unhappy with the change in tone it's taken since late August.

The funniest thing is, it's not about anything anyone else has done. I'm this way through my own actions, through my own reality-views. This is the me that I've created. And I'm drowning, trying to get away from this thing that I don't want to be. That's part of why I'm not withdrawing, part of what keeps me fighting: I have a personal responsibility to fix this clusterfuck before it becomes a reality that I can no longer escape.

I will be updating with a journal entry put onto paper sometime later today. I need the time to transcribe it, and work is busy with catching up. The journal entry, though, reminds me of a lot of things: there's a clear path out, I just have to trust it, like I always have and did.

Guess what? This is what a journal is for. You're getting it all, kids. Just as you always have. For that, I think I'm sorry.

My mouse is still hovering over the confirmation. . .
Current Mood: discontentdiscontent
Current Music: "Tin Cup Chalice", -JB
Tags: ,

(41 comments Leave a comment)

Comments:


From:ex_acousticd43
Date:December 2nd, 2005 04:21 pm (UTC)
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I'd miss you.
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From:chronarchy
Date:December 2nd, 2005 04:28 pm (UTC)
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There are a wide number of people I'd miss.
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From:chronarchy
Date:December 2nd, 2005 04:44 pm (UTC)
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I love hearing from people I've rarely heard from :)

I'm not really too worried about criticism: it's not my problem, really. And I've firmly believed that my journal is my space. I've always treated it like that, even when it was requested that I delete entries or make them "friends only".

Thanks for the luck wish.
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From:chronarchy
Date:December 2nd, 2005 04:49 pm (UTC)
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I know. Perhaps I should hang out a sign: "Complaints About Content Should Go To The Homeowner"

That might solve more issues than anything else.
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From:weavingfire
Date:December 2nd, 2005 04:58 pm (UTC)
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I know exactly how you feel.

I know you will do what you feel is right.

Guess what? This is what a journal is for. You're getting it all, kids. Just as you always have. For that, I think I'm sorry.

It makes me sad that you might be sorry for that, self-critique and real honesty is rare. And a blessing.
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From:chronarchy
Date:December 2nd, 2005 04:59 pm (UTC)
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I'm still wondering who I submit my WWF writeup to to make sure no one gets all tizzied about the damn thing.
From:dansrobe
Date:December 2nd, 2005 05:03 pm (UTC)
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As long as you post in integrity, you have nothing to fear or be sorry for, in my opinion.

My ability to be vunerable is my greatest strenght.
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From:chronarchy
Date:December 2nd, 2005 05:58 pm (UTC)
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*nods*
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From:ariansdreams
Date:December 2nd, 2005 05:14 pm (UTC)
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I don't think that I know you well enough to give you advice.

I'll just say I hope things get better, and leave it at that.

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From:chronarchy
Date:December 2nd, 2005 05:58 pm (UTC)
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Heh, that's okay. Nothing is expected.

And things always do get better. Amazingly, they just have in the past hour. After all, I now have a full stomach, and that is something to rejoice in.
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From:autumnfey
Date:December 2nd, 2005 06:07 pm (UTC)
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I miss you Mike! And I am constantly amazed by your honesty here in your journal. I am very aware of who reads my journal, which is why I actually have a "shadow" journal that no one know about to chronicle my decent into madness. It is inconceivable to post those entries here, and yet that is what you do. I am honored to read them and understand that it is all a journey, and things do get better. But usually only if you decide to make them better, which is what I see you doing. Wish I could have caught up with you last week - but a trip to Europe would definitely win out for me too. Just know that even though I rarely comment, I always read, and am thinking of you.
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From:chronarchy
Date:December 2nd, 2005 06:12 pm (UTC)
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*grins* I miss you too, babe. A lot.

I've got a second journal, as well, but it's so rarely used that it's not even funny. Besides, there're only three entries in it, and nothing in it that people might not read here. Mostly, I use it to talk to myself. Every so often, you'll see a strange commentor in my LJ, and that's my other journal.

I do hope that next time you're in the area, I am too.
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From:hearthstone
Date:December 2nd, 2005 06:48 pm (UTC)
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I would miss you if you disappeared. :)

Everyone uses their journal differently and for a different set of reasons. I think that, by definition, you can't really "do" a journal incorrectly, although it be more or less useful for you personally.

Also (and this isn't advice, just something that your post reminded me of personally, so ignore if not useful :)). There are moments where we, suddenly or gradually, feel the weight of all our decisions that ended up being less than optimal, and become aware of all the options that we've cut off in our lives. It's easy to see that stuff, harder to see what's still wide open, and easy to forget that all these things are so fluid and there's always some room to maneuver.
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From:chronarchy
Date:December 2nd, 2005 06:55 pm (UTC)
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I'd miss me if I disappeared. But sometimes it's very tempting. Then you remember what you're leaving, and suddenly it's no longer tempting.

And I know what you mean in that last paragraph. Very well.
From:ceolnamara
Date:December 2nd, 2005 06:49 pm (UTC)
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jesus god i understand. and i really truly do.

this rather mirrors something i wrote in my paper journal nearly an hour ago. i had a massive realization while standing in the middle of barnes and noble.

but yeah, i get it. you seem to turn outward while i turn inward.
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From:chronarchy
Date:December 2nd, 2005 06:52 pm (UTC)
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I was looking for you in Hagarty Hall at lunch, maybe thinking you might be there. *laughs* Strange how we had the same crisis, and found out outlets differently.
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From:smithing_chick
Date:December 2nd, 2005 07:07 pm (UTC)
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You quit lj & I'm kicking your butt. It's the only way I have of keeping up with you these days since we've both been too busy to chat much.

Anyone who doesn't like your tone or direction or whatever should get a grip. You're not our personal entertainment here to keep us happy- you're a real living being with feelings & thoughts of your own. And that's just all there is to it. If the Fool's recently realized that he's falling & not floating & finding the world somewhat less confortable, well dammit, then that's just the way it is. :-P

PS- will you stop worrying about whether or not you're a good enough friend? You are. Having your own shit to deal with doesn't change that.
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From:chronarchy
Date:December 2nd, 2005 09:03 pm (UTC)
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Chatting, unfortunately, is becoming rarer in my life. It's a shame.
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From:qorinda
Date:December 2nd, 2005 10:04 pm (UTC)
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*sigh* You have to do what is right for you - whether it is to quit lj or stay, to quit ADF or stay... but I, for one, would miss you if you quit either one.

As for posting - I am sitting here pissed at anything that happened before that may be making you reluctant to post now, because I want to read about your WWF experiences!
From:weavingfire
Date:December 3rd, 2005 12:48 am (UTC)
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Ditto.
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From:ardgruntler
Date:December 3rd, 2005 12:33 am (UTC)
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'Trapped in a well of unclouded emotion . . . . I must bubble up.'

An obscure line from one of my only 'real' LJ entries. It's not hard to find - there aren't many that are more than memes;>)

I see you holding Hekate's hand - you may not feel it, but she's there. The roads branch out in three directions and you are in the midst of an onslaught.

The onslaught of your mind, your home, your friends, your family . . . your gods.

It is birth and death in one and it is - ultimately and most importantly your, Michael.'

Love it, hate it cry for it and laugh - but don't escape it. It's so much more on the other side.

Even if no one you know now greets you on the road she takes you down . . . you will be at home with thefaces there.

Be blessed and look only at the number of replies to this entry to know that - in each of our own ways . . . we care about and support you.

Forgive me for not ending with a joke . . . I really should, but this message isn't mine to fiddle with. - much love - M
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From:chronarchy
Date:December 5th, 2005 06:31 pm (UTC)
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It is a shame I don't believe in Hekate.

I know, and thanks.
From:healing_coyote
Date:December 4th, 2005 05:04 pm (UTC)
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" "

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