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Ár nDraíocht Féin
Three Cranes
Chaos Matrix

December 2nd, 2005

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10:57 am - I'm lost in a sea of . . . something sticky.
I have another browser window open. The page it's open to is the "Account Status" page, where, with a simple push of a button, you can remove yourself forever from LiveJournal. It interests me that I've been thinking recently about this.

The thing is, there are things I've wanted to escape.

There has been fear of success and praise. There has been a feeling that I own too much stuff and that I'll never walk alone again. There have been resignation letters to ADF that have been thrown into the recycle bin. There have been job opportunities in other states that I have turned down last minute. There have been friends who have been hurt that I can't repair feelings with. There have been loves that seem lost forever. There are questions I don't want to answer, jobs I don't want to do. There are choices that seem so stupid now, and yet they all seem like I'd do them again if given half the chance. I feel closed in on by my friends more than I feel supported by them.

It's nothing new, feeling like this. I lost 20 lbs. over the past 2 or 3 months. I've gained back about 15 of it, but I'm still obviously skinny. I'm learning to deal with it on certain levels, but not on others.

Running from these things, though, isn't the answer. Getting back to what I think of as "me" isn't easy, but it's important. I'm no use to anyone like this, and I know that. And no one really deserves to be around me in this state. Hell, I know that people who have read my journal in the past are unhappy with the change in tone it's taken since late August.

The funniest thing is, it's not about anything anyone else has done. I'm this way through my own actions, through my own reality-views. This is the me that I've created. And I'm drowning, trying to get away from this thing that I don't want to be. That's part of why I'm not withdrawing, part of what keeps me fighting: I have a personal responsibility to fix this clusterfuck before it becomes a reality that I can no longer escape.

I will be updating with a journal entry put onto paper sometime later today. I need the time to transcribe it, and work is busy with catching up. The journal entry, though, reminds me of a lot of things: there's a clear path out, I just have to trust it, like I always have and did.

Guess what? This is what a journal is for. You're getting it all, kids. Just as you always have. For that, I think I'm sorry.

My mouse is still hovering over the confirmation. . .
Current Mood: discontentdiscontent
Current Music: "Tin Cup Chalice", -JB
Tags: ,

(41 comments Leave a comment)


[User Picture]
Date:December 2nd, 2005 06:48 pm (UTC)
I would miss you if you disappeared. :)

Everyone uses their journal differently and for a different set of reasons. I think that, by definition, you can't really "do" a journal incorrectly, although it be more or less useful for you personally.

Also (and this isn't advice, just something that your post reminded me of personally, so ignore if not useful :)). There are moments where we, suddenly or gradually, feel the weight of all our decisions that ended up being less than optimal, and become aware of all the options that we've cut off in our lives. It's easy to see that stuff, harder to see what's still wide open, and easy to forget that all these things are so fluid and there's always some room to maneuver.
[User Picture]
Date:December 2nd, 2005 06:55 pm (UTC)
I'd miss me if I disappeared. But sometimes it's very tempting. Then you remember what you're leaving, and suddenly it's no longer tempting.

And I know what you mean in that last paragraph. Very well.
[User Picture]
Date:December 2nd, 2005 10:40 pm (UTC)

decision tree of life

Lately I've been thinking a lot about all the choices we make in life, how each one cuts off the path to alternatives, and how I'd just like to visit some of those alternative paths. Not to see how they would turn out, but just to try all the various experiences that are mutually exclusive in real life.

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