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Ár nDraíocht Féin
Three Cranes
Chaos Matrix

December 2nd, 2005

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10:57 am - I'm lost in a sea of . . . something sticky.
I have another browser window open. The page it's open to is the "Account Status" page, where, with a simple push of a button, you can remove yourself forever from LiveJournal. It interests me that I've been thinking recently about this.

The thing is, there are things I've wanted to escape.

There has been fear of success and praise. There has been a feeling that I own too much stuff and that I'll never walk alone again. There have been resignation letters to ADF that have been thrown into the recycle bin. There have been job opportunities in other states that I have turned down last minute. There have been friends who have been hurt that I can't repair feelings with. There have been loves that seem lost forever. There are questions I don't want to answer, jobs I don't want to do. There are choices that seem so stupid now, and yet they all seem like I'd do them again if given half the chance. I feel closed in on by my friends more than I feel supported by them.

It's nothing new, feeling like this. I lost 20 lbs. over the past 2 or 3 months. I've gained back about 15 of it, but I'm still obviously skinny. I'm learning to deal with it on certain levels, but not on others.

Running from these things, though, isn't the answer. Getting back to what I think of as "me" isn't easy, but it's important. I'm no use to anyone like this, and I know that. And no one really deserves to be around me in this state. Hell, I know that people who have read my journal in the past are unhappy with the change in tone it's taken since late August.

The funniest thing is, it's not about anything anyone else has done. I'm this way through my own actions, through my own reality-views. This is the me that I've created. And I'm drowning, trying to get away from this thing that I don't want to be. That's part of why I'm not withdrawing, part of what keeps me fighting: I have a personal responsibility to fix this clusterfuck before it becomes a reality that I can no longer escape.

I will be updating with a journal entry put onto paper sometime later today. I need the time to transcribe it, and work is busy with catching up. The journal entry, though, reminds me of a lot of things: there's a clear path out, I just have to trust it, like I always have and did.

Guess what? This is what a journal is for. You're getting it all, kids. Just as you always have. For that, I think I'm sorry.

My mouse is still hovering over the confirmation. . .
Current Mood: discontentdiscontent
Current Music: "Tin Cup Chalice", -JB
Tags: ,

(41 comments Leave a comment)


[User Picture]
Date:December 2nd, 2005 09:20 pm (UTC)
AHA, and the username "Malacat" clicks. You are the one who e-mailed me before, the one I thought was really nice. :) *shakes hand* Pleased to meet you again. I hadn't made the connection.

And, RE: Mike... suck it up, boy. LJ's are a pain in the ass. We all know this; I think it was like the unspoken agreement when we signed up that such would be the case. Keeps us on our toes. Everyone is obnoxious (or more likely, THINKS they are being obnoxious) at some point or the other, so it's a trade-off. You deal with me bitching about crap, and I deal with you even when my bull-shit meter's going off. ;) There's no need to complicate things by feeling badly for feeling/writing about what you're feeling badly about.

Not that I have room to talk, as I have been much the same recently, but still. It almost always stands that it's better to get things out of your system, deal with the consequences, and then go hiking with dirt on your boots, not dirt on your heart.

Date:December 2nd, 2005 09:26 pm (UTC)


I didn't realize it was you either! What a tangled online web weave ;-)

Nice to meet you again too!
[User Picture]
Date:December 2nd, 2005 09:28 pm (UTC)

Re: Oh!


... Let's be LJ friends, okay?
Date:December 2nd, 2005 09:33 pm (UTC)

Re: Oh!

Ok! Did you want to be on the ADF filter too?

Yay, more friends (thanks chronarchy!
[User Picture]
Date:December 3rd, 2005 12:00 am (UTC)

Re: Oh!

For shizzle. :)
[User Picture]
Date:December 2nd, 2005 09:52 pm (UTC)
If only my boots were up to a hike. Alas, they may have seen their last trails. . .
[User Picture]
Date:December 2nd, 2005 10:14 pm (UTC)
You need new boots for Christmas, then.

Alas that I cannot arrange this for you, but I'm sure you can find a way.... Boots are more important than food, anyway, so use any Christmas money you may get wisely. You can always eat over here if it means you have to starve for a week, anyway; I've been cooking people meals left and right lately and so far none of them has died! :D

And PS: the title of your entry upsets me. i feel the need to go shower it off!!

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