Chronarchy (chronarchy) wrote,

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Honestly, what did you think you'd get in response?

I received in my email:
I would like to speak with Eris. Please tell me how. Thank you.
I responded:

If you're unable to find the Goddess' phone number in the phone book, remember that Her full name is "Eris K. Discordia". If you still experience difficulty (She's unlisted in some locales), She likes to hang out at bowling alleys and drink beer with Her devotees, so you might call your nearest bowling alley and ask them to page Eris for you. She may very well be there (but I should warn you, She can be a mean drunk).

If Her number is unlisted and your nearest bowling alley doesn't suit Her tastes (perhaps it's too smokey or there aren't enough drugs being done), you might need to find your nearest Temple of Eristic Energy. These are distinguished from normal churches by their large parking lots, huge spires, and the roomy seats in their large auditoriums. Often, they broadcast their services live on Sunday mornings. Make sure you take a large, hand-painted sign so that you can be seen by the Goddess, whose eyesight is poor and sometimes can't pick out an individual in the crowd. I keep telling Her to get glasses. It should say, "I'm a child of a crazy Goddess who shall smite all these non-believers!"

Anyway, don't bother paying too much attention to the sermon, because sermons are generally created to mislead the public. You can tell when you're being mislead if the keywords "moral decay", "communism", "our Christian president", "Fox News says", "founded on the Ten Commandments", "this is a Righteous war!", "Christian nation", or "it's all because of those lesbians and feminists" stir emotion in your heart. Once that starts to happen, you will need to shout the following mantra: "Eris, sexy, and all that is holy / Get down on your knees and suck it slowly!"

If you are not taken in by the sermon, you should pay special attention to the screens that show what's going on on television. When you appear on them (in order to obtain the highest chance of appearing on television, look devout and lost in the moment, whoop and holler with joy, and shout "Amen!" as often as possible, with the optimal rate being once every 13 seconds), unfurl your banner and smile proudly.

Eris, Our Lady of Strife, will unveil Herself before you, and you can say your peace to Her.

Finally, if you are still unable to contact Eris, you ought to give up. But I implore you: never, ever ask a Discordian how to contact Eris. They're likely to send you on a wild goose chase and provide you with methods that not only won't work, but also may get you ostracized from your community. Trust me on that.

Michael J Dangler

Anagrams for [ Discordia ]:

do acid, sir
CIA sordid
a Doric dis
I did Oscar
arid disco

Isn't that frightening?
Tags: discordia, eris
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