Instead, though, I spent my hour lying on the bench, snoozing and daydreaming. I daydreamed about lots of things, but none of the things I daydreamed about were related to my amulets workshop, even though my "pillow" was a copy of the Greek Magical Papyri in Translation. (We're praying for osmosis here.)
These daydreams were, I think, entirely related to women: ones I know, ones I'd like to get to know better, and ones I just don't know enough about. Then, of course, there are the women that I cannot stop thinking about. I imagine some of those women might be surprised at how much I think about 'em, what they mean to me, and how they mean it. :)
When I think of my friends, most guys walk into my mind, hang out, and leave. Girls, well, they hang around and make themselves comfortable. I should explain that better some other time.
It doesn't help that I saw someone I wish I'd asked out 8 years ago today. That's probably the central reason for the thought process.
But for now, that particular bit of information is staying under my hat. I'm very busy at work. (Fortunately, true to form, everything after this sentence was written before I came to work today, though some editing has been done in the few minutes of downtime I get.)
I find it hard to discuss my interest in dating, in looking to go out with people, especially in a public forum like my LJ, which is notorious for getting interesting (and amusing) responses that contradict what I think the best course of action is. But damn the torpedos.
I'm not willing to settle, but I'm instead looking hard at some specifics, and will be looking at them as I date around a bit.
The most important thing, of course, is just that feeling, that knowledge that yeah, that's the girl for me. Whether I figure that one out immediately or years later doesn't really make a difference. I refuse to "cast off" any person merely because there wasn't something deep & meaningful at first sight. I've learned too well that all women are special in some way, and I've known girls before that were "for me," but nothing happened, and I've known girls who weren't "for me," and things happened that I didn't even want to have happen.
Akin to that, It would be nice if I knew that there's a future, something tangible, that feels fated and certain. But so long as I can pretend that there's one, I'm happy with that.
The following things are a sort of weird "checklist" that isn't really a checklist: it's things that I want and need in my next relationship, but I'm not sure to what extent any are "make or break". . . These are just things that seem logical to me. Some are things I want in the girl, and some are things she needs to understand about me.
- She's got to be someone I can take places and knows how to act in polite society, but also knows how to be downright silly and fun and even childish. She should be equally at home at a formal black-tie dinner and playing in the mud. She also needs to go from one extreme to the other when it's really important to.
- As a sort of corellary, she needs to understand that sometimes, you can't change things and to act on that: If one of her $300 shoes gets muddy, I'd expect the other shoe to land in the mud right along with it and a mischevious smile to play across her lips.
- She needs to realize that even in long-term relationships I'm shy enough that I won't make the first move often: I'm reactionary and perhaps overly polite most of the time.
- Correlating to that, it should be noted that I'm unlikely to make the first move with any woman. This is a conditioned factor that I am unlikely to overcome in the near future: I tend to match interest with interest, rather than display it outright. Thus, I cannot be expected to raise the bet, to make a move with no precedent or request from the other party. (I should note, though, that I respond very well to a direct request whispered closely in my ear.)
- Realizing that something humorous or amusing is the way to my heart is the first step in getting there. There must be a sparkle of play and fun in her eyes, or I won't find myself interested.
- I don't deal well with the attitude, "I'm tired of this game, and I don't want to play it any longer." I deal much better with, "Well, that was fun. Let's try this next!" Huizinga's spoilsports need not apply.
- There is, of course, my devotion to ADF and my deities: they take the primary seat in my life. Everything else has a tendancy to become insignificant to me. Rather than getting pissy, I need open communication about it. I don't ever mean to neglect someone, but I'd be lying if I said it didn't happen from time to time.
- Expecting me to change my relationship with any other person or thing will result in me walking away. Simply trust me to be honest, and you'll always get that. My friends deserve to get the same friendship that they always got before.
Sounds like a lot of things, honestly. But it's not so demanding as it first looks. On most of those things, I'm remarkably flexible, and they're all open to discussion. And I'm not really actively looking, right now, for someone to spend the rest of my life with. I'm just sort of . . . looking. In a very casual manner.
There's a lot out there, and there's a lot of new things to see and experience. I've enjoyed my experiences thus far, all told, and expect that I'll continue to do so.
Damn, it's hard to post this. And it's poorly articulated. Sorry.