April 17th, 2006
|08:08 am - A good weekend, full of new things|
This has been a weekend of many things: family, friends, church, dreams, fear, and regret.
Family: My parents were in town, which is a good thing. They've taken very good care of me, taking me out to every major meal I had. They even bought me some new clothes. We spent a lot of time talking, and generally had a good time just driving around Columbus and sight seeing. They left early on Sunday morning to drive home.
Friends: I also got to see healing_coyote for a bit, which was quite the plesant surprise. While things didn't go exactly as planned (they never do with her), it was very, very good to see her again. I miss that girl quite a bit. While out with her, I found myself realizing something I never really understood realizing: that I was over Tina. Completely. The realization didn't have anything to do with the company, really, so much as a lot of other things I was mulling over at the time. See the entry for "regret" for more.
Church: On Sunday, Tina and I went to the deaf Baptist church. They had an ASL (American Sign Language) chior there, and the implications of what an ASL chior might be like brought us in the front door. The following situations ran through my mind: A chior that didn't sing vocally at all, but just signed in time with each other; a chior that sang while someone stood next to them and signed the words; a chior in which we might see someone sing "off-key" by signing at the wrong "pitch". It turns out that they play really loud music and they sign over the recorded words. There's some minor choreography going on, but not a lot. Basically, we got an Easter pageant, which was kinda nifty. I had fun, but I doubt that Tina will go back. They talked for two hours about how people had to be saved and about how the Dali Lama was totally not getting into heaven. There was even a great country/western song called "Oh Buddha" about how Buddha couldn't get you to heaven. I love the Baptists.
Dreams: On Friday night, though, I had a number of dreams. These continued on Saturday night. They are related to various things, but in particular, they were related to the women in my life. In one of them, I was receiving a response to an email that I sent out last week. I've got further detail on this under "fear" below. This dream later became another dream, in which I re-formatted the response, and I was no longer receiving the mailing that I feared I might receive. This dream, I felt, held a new opportunity, a new way of looking at the world in which things really weren't all that bad. This email showed me that there was hope, even if I had been an idiot. A later dream had me in a horrible shouting match with Tina, arguing over the little shit that sometimes formed our arguments when we were dating. I don't think this dream is connected to the other two.
Fear: It's weird to say, but the dream about receiving that email was not simply a dream, but a repetitious nightmare. I would receive this email, and it consisted of one line. It was an innocent email, full of promise, happiness, and maybe a little embarassment. But there was a song playing, one that I could only repeat part of the chorus of, as if some terrible, broken record was repeating itself. It was the song "Brokenheartsville" by Joe Nichols. I could not get the song out of my head. I would wake up, the words on that email burned into my brain and the song dancing across my lips, and then I would fall back asleep and the process would repeat itself. Even when I woke up the final time on Saturday morning, the song was still there. It haunted me after I woke up, and it caused a deep feeling of nausea, shivers, and shakes, the kind you get when you feel powerless and overwhelmed. Fortunately, as described in "dreams" above, the feeling eventually passed because my dreams re-wrote the email into a longer one, where the response was different.
Regret: And I finally found something that I think I'll regret for the rest of my life if it pans out the way I think it might. I realized on Thursday that I said something that I thought, at the time, I meant, but that I really didn't. As I look back on it, as I see what I did and what I was thinking, I realize that I was thinking something not at all lined up with what I ought to have said. My will wasn't realized, it was undercut by the perception of what I ought to feel, how I ought to act, and how people expected me to react. None of these things was true to how I really should have reacted. And, related to the fear and the dreams above, there is a possibility that I did some real damage where I could have found that true, deep happiness that I think people who take a chance often find.
What I learned this weekend is that sometimes, you have to take the chance, to do the thing you were terrified of doing. The outcome may not be what you think you want, it may not be perfect, but there will be no one who can say, "Yeah, but he never tried."
Sometimes, trying is the only way to know happiness. It is always the only way to know completeness.
Current Location: Southeast of Disorder
Current Mood: amused
Current Music: "Hey Good Lookin'", -JB
That's my particular feeling on this one.