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June 19th, 2006


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11:05 am - Closure
Tina has informed me that she's looking for closure on our relationship.

She's asked me to write about it, for her, to give her an idea of what I was thinking, what I am thinking, and how I feel about it all.

I'm not sure how to do that. It's been over a year.

I'm worried that I'm just going to hurt her. Right now, I honestly feel like I cannot do anything right by any woman, that all I can do is hurt them. Telling a woman I am interested hurts them. Telling a woman I'm not intersted hurts them. Trying to ignore the question entirely hurts them. It's starting to look like I'm the problem.

I'm worried that she sees my attempts to find a girlfriend (as spectacular as those failures have been) have hurt her and made her think that I was just waiting for a breakup so I could be "free" or so that I could get away and date girls I always thought were better suited for me.

I'm worried that the emotional roller-coaster I've been on for literally months at this point have been affecting Tina. I wonder if she thinks that I didn't feel these things when I was with her, if she is hurt or angry because I have been so emotionally high and low.

I'm worried that actually getting a girlfriend will cause her to feel worthless, angry, or betrayed. None of those is right in my mind. She's worth so much to me, and I feel I never betrayed her. I love her deeply as a friend, and I value her and her friendship more than most of my other friendships in this world.

I'm worried that I'm bad for her, that living with me has been slowing hurting her over time, and that I've just been blind to it.

I'm worried about her depending on me for closure in our relationship. She's such a strong, wonderful woman, and I hate to think of her depending on me for anything.

I'm worried about what "closure" means to her. Does it mean that she'll leave my life forever? Does it mean that she hasn't been able to date because of me? Does it mean that she's just looking to be happy?

I'm worried that she honestly believes that I "moved on" without much trouble, that I wasn't hurt by the breakup, that I wasn't afraid of the future. I've seen that happen in other relationships, where one party perceived the other "moving on" at a faster rate and ascribed that to a general insensitivity. And that is simply not the case: I have just dealt with things differently.

What worries me most is that she has been feeling that I'm not as good and close a friend as I really, really want to be to her.
Current Location: Southeast of Disorder
Current Mood: worriedworried
Current Music: "If the Phone Doesn't Ring, It's Me", -JB

(21 comments Leave a comment)

Comments:


[User Picture]
From:chronarchy
Date:June 19th, 2006 04:57 pm (UTC)

Re: closing coasters

(Link)
The rollercoaster emotions aren't between me and her. It's between myself and others.
[User Picture]
From:rfunk
Date:June 19th, 2006 05:13 pm (UTC)

Re: closing coasters

(Link)
I know. You said, "I wonder if she thinks that I didn't feel these things when I was with her, if she is hurt or angry because I have been so emotionally high and low." Given what you've been going through lately, why would she want you to have gone through that when you were in a supposedly stable relationship with her?
[User Picture]
From:chronarchy
Date:June 19th, 2006 05:37 pm (UTC)

Re: closing coasters

(Link)
Dunno. It's just a weird, irrational worry. They happen. When I wrote this, I was thinking about worst-case things, really, not best-case ones.

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