June 19th, 2006
|11:05 am - Closure|
Tina has informed me that she's looking for closure on our relationship.
She's asked me to write about it, for her, to give her an idea of what I was thinking, what I am thinking, and how I feel about it all.
I'm not sure how to do that. It's been over a year.
I'm worried that I'm just going to hurt her. Right now, I honestly feel like I cannot do anything right by any woman, that all I can do is hurt them. Telling a woman I am interested hurts them. Telling a woman I'm not intersted hurts them. Trying to ignore the question entirely hurts them. It's starting to look like I'm the problem.
I'm worried that she sees my attempts to find a girlfriend (as spectacular as those failures have been) have hurt her and made her think that I was just waiting for a breakup so I could be "free" or so that I could get away and date girls I always thought were better suited for me.
I'm worried that the emotional roller-coaster I've been on for literally months at this point have been affecting Tina. I wonder if she thinks that I didn't feel these things when I was with her, if she is hurt or angry because I have been so emotionally high and low.
I'm worried that actually getting a girlfriend will cause her to feel worthless, angry, or betrayed. None of those is right in my mind. She's worth so much to me, and I feel I never betrayed her. I love her deeply as a friend, and I value her and her friendship more than most of my other friendships in this world.
I'm worried that I'm bad for her, that living with me has been slowing hurting her over time, and that I've just been blind to it.
I'm worried about her depending on me for closure in our relationship. She's such a strong, wonderful woman, and I hate to think of her depending on me for anything.
I'm worried about what "closure" means to her. Does it mean that she'll leave my life forever? Does it mean that she hasn't been able to date because of me? Does it mean that she's just looking to be happy?
I'm worried that she honestly believes that I "moved on" without much trouble, that I wasn't hurt by the breakup, that I wasn't afraid of the future. I've seen that happen in other relationships, where one party perceived the other "moving on" at a faster rate and ascribed that to a general insensitivity. And that is simply not the case: I have just dealt with things differently.
What worries me most is that she has been feeling that I'm not as good and close a friend as I really, really want to be to her.
Current Location: Southeast of Disorder
Current Mood: worried
Current Music: "If the Phone Doesn't Ring, It's Me", -JB
more thoughts, mebbe helpful, or not
A line from a song made me think of you (and this):
"Don't try to find the answer
When there ain't no question here;
Brother, let your heart be wounded
And give no mercy to your fear."
You mentioned above that you were starting to think that YOU were the problem. I once made a similar remark about Accounting 'problems'. It wasn't the numbers that were wrong, I realized, but rather my interpretation of them; I let them skew each other and filled in blanks I did not yet know enough to fill. The more I clung to logic and previous experience, the more they both betrayed me! In the end, I lost to an enemy that should not have been seen as an adversary in the first place.
I do not see you being in this situation... yet. You're a smart kid and you know enough not to assume you have all (or maybe any?) of the answers currently. You ARE, however, in danger of letting what data you have skew itself until everything points in a completely different direction determined by worry and insecurity... so watch yourself closely. But do not watch so closely you change your behaviour according to presumptuous internalized expectations and not according to what your heart really wants. Sometimes I do that and it's trouble. You have a strong heart and I'm sure you'll follow it to the right place.
If you think you made mistakes with Tina, tell her that. If you really want to blame yourself as being a large part of "the problem," maybe you should think about why and figure out a plan of action to attempt to fix that. She may be searching for a comforting "I loved you and always will," but she may also be searching for a "This is why there is/was weirdness between us and this is what I can do on my side to help alleviate that." Or she may not want any of that -- I don't know what prompted this. Whatever the reason, just be as honest as you have been on here and if there is comfort or help to be given, it will be given. If there is none... make sure you ahve done the best you can, and then so be it.
Please hang in there, Mike. Flop on that hammock and relax.