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Ár nDraíocht Féin
Three Cranes
Chaos Matrix

June 19th, 2006

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11:05 am - Closure
Tina has informed me that she's looking for closure on our relationship.

She's asked me to write about it, for her, to give her an idea of what I was thinking, what I am thinking, and how I feel about it all.

I'm not sure how to do that. It's been over a year.

I'm worried that I'm just going to hurt her. Right now, I honestly feel like I cannot do anything right by any woman, that all I can do is hurt them. Telling a woman I am interested hurts them. Telling a woman I'm not intersted hurts them. Trying to ignore the question entirely hurts them. It's starting to look like I'm the problem.

I'm worried that she sees my attempts to find a girlfriend (as spectacular as those failures have been) have hurt her and made her think that I was just waiting for a breakup so I could be "free" or so that I could get away and date girls I always thought were better suited for me.

I'm worried that the emotional roller-coaster I've been on for literally months at this point have been affecting Tina. I wonder if she thinks that I didn't feel these things when I was with her, if she is hurt or angry because I have been so emotionally high and low.

I'm worried that actually getting a girlfriend will cause her to feel worthless, angry, or betrayed. None of those is right in my mind. She's worth so much to me, and I feel I never betrayed her. I love her deeply as a friend, and I value her and her friendship more than most of my other friendships in this world.

I'm worried that I'm bad for her, that living with me has been slowing hurting her over time, and that I've just been blind to it.

I'm worried about her depending on me for closure in our relationship. She's such a strong, wonderful woman, and I hate to think of her depending on me for anything.

I'm worried about what "closure" means to her. Does it mean that she'll leave my life forever? Does it mean that she hasn't been able to date because of me? Does it mean that she's just looking to be happy?

I'm worried that she honestly believes that I "moved on" without much trouble, that I wasn't hurt by the breakup, that I wasn't afraid of the future. I've seen that happen in other relationships, where one party perceived the other "moving on" at a faster rate and ascribed that to a general insensitivity. And that is simply not the case: I have just dealt with things differently.

What worries me most is that she has been feeling that I'm not as good and close a friend as I really, really want to be to her.
Current Location: Southeast of Disorder
Current Mood: worriedworried
Current Music: "If the Phone Doesn't Ring, It's Me", -JB

(21 comments Leave a comment)


Date:June 19th, 2006 05:35 pm (UTC)

I'll just throw this in with the others...

You should show her what you've written.

Whatever comes of you and Tina (good friends, distant friends, no friends), your romantic relationship is over (unless it isn't, life is weird like that sometimes) and damn, it's really hard to move on when you are both still living with each other.

I think what Tina is seeing with you is what often happens when a relationship ends, both parties kind of swing about wildly attempting to get some bearing on who they are and what they want. Usually, though, the other party doesn't have to witness this and they can focus more on their own healing than who the other party is or is not dating. The fact that you are behaving so differently from "normal Mike" kind of plays on that, and probably freaks her out a bit and makes her wonder if the "normal Mike" wasn't the "real Mike." Probably. Not that I know the girl.

[User Picture]
Date:June 19th, 2006 05:45 pm (UTC)

Re: I'll just throw this in with the others...

Are you also suggesting that I should tell her to move out?

I'll work it out, I'm not worried about that.
Date:June 19th, 2006 05:56 pm (UTC)

Re: I'll just throw this in with the others...


What I'm saying is "it's hard to move on when you are still living with the former partner."

I'm just saying that most people don't have to watch their former partner date other people, and I think it can delay the whole 'moving on' process. I do suspect though, that if you got a serious girlfriend, she probably would want to move out, personally, I would.

On a slightly different track, have you two considered going to counseling for a few sessions, just to hash stuff out?

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