June 19th, 2006
|11:05 am - Closure|
Tina has informed me that she's looking for closure on our relationship.
She's asked me to write about it, for her, to give her an idea of what I was thinking, what I am thinking, and how I feel about it all.
I'm not sure how to do that. It's been over a year.
I'm worried that I'm just going to hurt her. Right now, I honestly feel like I cannot do anything right by any woman, that all I can do is hurt them. Telling a woman I am interested hurts them. Telling a woman I'm not intersted hurts them. Trying to ignore the question entirely hurts them. It's starting to look like I'm the problem.
I'm worried that she sees my attempts to find a girlfriend (as spectacular as those failures have been) have hurt her and made her think that I was just waiting for a breakup so I could be "free" or so that I could get away and date girls I always thought were better suited for me.
I'm worried that the emotional roller-coaster I've been on for literally months at this point have been affecting Tina. I wonder if she thinks that I didn't feel these things when I was with her, if she is hurt or angry because I have been so emotionally high and low.
I'm worried that actually getting a girlfriend will cause her to feel worthless, angry, or betrayed. None of those is right in my mind. She's worth so much to me, and I feel I never betrayed her. I love her deeply as a friend, and I value her and her friendship more than most of my other friendships in this world.
I'm worried that I'm bad for her, that living with me has been slowing hurting her over time, and that I've just been blind to it.
I'm worried about her depending on me for closure in our relationship. She's such a strong, wonderful woman, and I hate to think of her depending on me for anything.
I'm worried about what "closure" means to her. Does it mean that she'll leave my life forever? Does it mean that she hasn't been able to date because of me? Does it mean that she's just looking to be happy?
I'm worried that she honestly believes that I "moved on" without much trouble, that I wasn't hurt by the breakup, that I wasn't afraid of the future. I've seen that happen in other relationships, where one party perceived the other "moving on" at a faster rate and ascribed that to a general insensitivity. And that is simply not the case: I have just dealt with things differently.
What worries me most is that she has been feeling that I'm not as good and close a friend as I really, really want to be to her.
Current Location: Southeast of Disorder
Current Mood: worried
Current Music: "If the Phone Doesn't Ring, It's Me", -JB
Y'know, for as smart a guy as I think you are, sometimes you miss the most basic points. Worry all you want, for all the good it will do you. You don't have any control over what anyone else thinks or feels -- only yourself.
Let me repeat that: You don't have any control over what anyone else thinks or feels.
By your actions you can hurt, but by your actions, no one else can *be hurt*. (We're talking about emotions, here, not whether you're likely to break my jaw with an uppercut.) You can call me every name in the book, and I can choose to let those invectives roll right off me. You can't hurt me if I don't let you -- no matter what you do. The point is you CANNOT take responsibility for what anyone else thinks, feels or believes. And vice versa -- everyone has a choice as to what will or will not "hurt" them.
Seriously, look at the verbs you used in the statements you wrote here, and who is the agent of each action. You can choose not engage in *deliberately* hurtful actions, but you have no influence over how anyone else reacts to your actions -- deliberately hurtful or otherwise.
Do, say, be what your heart tells you. It will be the "right" thing. There's absolutely no use in worrying about things over which you have no control.