June 19th, 2006
|11:05 am - Closure|
Tina has informed me that she's looking for closure on our relationship.
She's asked me to write about it, for her, to give her an idea of what I was thinking, what I am thinking, and how I feel about it all.
I'm not sure how to do that. It's been over a year.
I'm worried that I'm just going to hurt her. Right now, I honestly feel like I cannot do anything right by any woman, that all I can do is hurt them. Telling a woman I am interested hurts them. Telling a woman I'm not intersted hurts them. Trying to ignore the question entirely hurts them. It's starting to look like I'm the problem.
I'm worried that she sees my attempts to find a girlfriend (as spectacular as those failures have been) have hurt her and made her think that I was just waiting for a breakup so I could be "free" or so that I could get away and date girls I always thought were better suited for me.
I'm worried that the emotional roller-coaster I've been on for literally months at this point have been affecting Tina. I wonder if she thinks that I didn't feel these things when I was with her, if she is hurt or angry because I have been so emotionally high and low.
I'm worried that actually getting a girlfriend will cause her to feel worthless, angry, or betrayed. None of those is right in my mind. She's worth so much to me, and I feel I never betrayed her. I love her deeply as a friend, and I value her and her friendship more than most of my other friendships in this world.
I'm worried that I'm bad for her, that living with me has been slowing hurting her over time, and that I've just been blind to it.
I'm worried about her depending on me for closure in our relationship. She's such a strong, wonderful woman, and I hate to think of her depending on me for anything.
I'm worried about what "closure" means to her. Does it mean that she'll leave my life forever? Does it mean that she hasn't been able to date because of me? Does it mean that she's just looking to be happy?
I'm worried that she honestly believes that I "moved on" without much trouble, that I wasn't hurt by the breakup, that I wasn't afraid of the future. I've seen that happen in other relationships, where one party perceived the other "moving on" at a faster rate and ascribed that to a general insensitivity. And that is simply not the case: I have just dealt with things differently.
What worries me most is that she has been feeling that I'm not as good and close a friend as I really, really want to be to her.
Current Location: Southeast of Disorder
Current Mood: worried
Current Music: "If the Phone Doesn't Ring, It's Me", -JB
|Date:||June 19th, 2006 07:02 pm (UTC)|| |
Aw, what the heck? I wasn't going to comment, but I decided I am going to, because what I have to say is a bit different than everything else I read above.
First of all, I understand the need for closure. BUT - since you two are still living together, she needs to define, closure of what? Is there still some level of possibility that you might get back together? Is there a certain understanding between you?
It sounds to ME that she is making demands on you to see what you will do. I know you love her and all, and that she is your best friend, but I get a sense of manipulation here.
I am friends with almost all of my lovers. But in every case, we had to put some distance between us for a few months, so that we could each re-find ourselves. Then, when we came back together as friends, we were able to capitalize on those aspects that keep us as friends, and not so much on the habits we had developed while in a "romantic relationship." It always took a distancing.
We don't have switches inside of ourselves that we can just turn on and off. It's a PROCESS to transmute and redefine a relationship.
And lastly, it sounds like she is saying that you are not meeting her expectations. Has she defined what those expectations are? To me, it sounds like the same issue you had when you WERE in romantic relationship. She has some sort of vague expectations of "friendship" that you are not meeting, like you are supposed to magically know what they are.
Sometimes, women are strange beings.....