October 30th, 2006
|05:36 pm - There it is.|
There's the change I need to make. I can see it clearly.
I've been having trouble with something in particular recently, regarding this paradigm shift I've been working out (details are forthcoming, really).
And today, I saw that I'm afraid of the shift in some ways. In others, I'm not at all. I see its utility and its necessity, and I see the way the shift could go without it, and that's also attractive in its own right.
Esus, guide me to cut the right branches, to cut them the right length, and to cut them with the knowledge that I have to.This shift isn't chaos magic. It's a reunderstanding of myself, a deeper hope, a stronger dream. It is acceptance and strong movement at once. It is like standing in the middle of a violent storm, and seeing all the ways things can go, and knowing you have to choose, that the storm won't stop until you give it direction, that it will continue to consume you.
What makes us happy is not always what is best for us.
What is best for us doesn't always make us happy.
The doors that open match the doors that close, and things move to make sense in ways you never expected.
I know, I'll get some crap for being vague.
But I find it clear. I really do.
And that, alone, is scary. But I've learned nothing in my relationship with Esus if I haven't learned that sometimes, the scary is what you really need to do, because it's the best thing.
The trick is doing the scary stuff right.
That couldn't be me in the gorilla disguise. . .
Current Location: Southeast of Disorder
Current Mood: calm
Current Music: "This Hotel Room", -JB
Whatever happens, I wish you the best.