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Ár nDraíocht Féin
Three Cranes
Chaos Matrix

October 30th, 2006

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05:36 pm - There it is.
There's the change I need to make. I can see it clearly.

I've been having trouble with something in particular recently, regarding this paradigm shift I've been working out (details are forthcoming, really).

And today, I saw that I'm afraid of the shift in some ways. In others, I'm not at all. I see its utility and its necessity, and I see the way the shift could go without it, and that's also attractive in its own right.

Esus, guide me to cut the right branches, to cut them the right length, and to cut them with the knowledge that I have to.
This shift isn't chaos magic. It's a reunderstanding of myself, a deeper hope, a stronger dream. It is acceptance and strong movement at once. It is like standing in the middle of a violent storm, and seeing all the ways things can go, and knowing you have to choose, that the storm won't stop until you give it direction, that it will continue to consume you.

What makes us happy is not always what is best for us.

What is best for us doesn't always make us happy.

The doors that open match the doors that close, and things move to make sense in ways you never expected.

I know, I'll get some crap for being vague.

But I find it clear. I really do.

And that, alone, is scary. But I've learned nothing in my relationship with Esus if I haven't learned that sometimes, the scary is what you really need to do, because it's the best thing.

The trick is doing the scary stuff right.

That couldn't be me in the gorilla disguise. . .
Current Location: Southeast of Disorder
Current Mood: calmcalm
Current Music: "This Hotel Room", -JB

(12 comments Leave a comment)


[User Picture]
Date:October 31st, 2006 05:49 am (UTC)
There's the change I need to make. I can see it clearly.

Not to be provocative, but have you ever considered that what actually makes you happy is the chase to find something to make you happy?

Mebbe I'm completely off base, but it often seems like you're consistently moving from one thing to another to another, while only finding transitory satisfaction in any one thing in particular.

If that were to be the case, no harm or foul. It's simply that you may be a bit more content if you admit to yourself that happiness lie in the pursuit, not in the goal. There's always something new over the next hill....

[User Picture]
Date:October 31st, 2006 01:25 pm (UTC)
Perhaps partially. But I desire and latch onto some things of permanence in my life and find happiness in them. If I didn't, this clergy thing would never work out, nor would my relationship with Tina have worked out.

But in many respects, happiness is in the pursuit. I would suggest that more often, for me, it really is. Of course, "Dilettantism is the mark of the amateur," but that's a side statement.

I prefer motion in my life, generally speaking. But the rock of faith is one thing that will remain constant, and (though it's not tied directly to this faith), ADF does not appear to be an aspect that will change in the near future either.

This job will. That is a location where stagnation has very nearly killed me. My personal spiritual practice will. Again, stagnation there can break me down. My Grove work will. There I need to see motion on a number of fronts that are not exclusively in my sphere.

So yes, motion and change and the chase are highly active in this decision. Your statement is quite perceptive, but I'd balance it with the statement that I truly do find happiness in stability at times.

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