Chronarchy (chronarchy) wrote,
Chronarchy
chronarchy

How to tell if your drinking companions are Maenads

(This questionnaire could save your life at your next party!)

1) Are there any guys there?
Yes: You can stop now. Not Maenads. Unless the guy's name is Dionysus. In which case: continue on.
No: Maybe not Maenads: continue on.

2) Is anyone wearing deerskin clothing?
Yes: It could just be bad fashion sense, but maybe Maenads.
No: Maybe not Maenads: continue on.

3) Does anyone have what looks like a stick with a pine cone on the end of it?
Yes: Question 3(a): Is it a sextoy party?
     Yes: Okay, maybe not Maenads, and good for you: continue.
     No: Better chance that they're Maenads.
No: Maybe not Maenads, and the chance is decreasing: continue on.

4) Are people having sex with each other without asking about STD's or using prophylatics?
Yes: Could just be a swingers party, but could be Maenads, too.
No: You seem to go to really boring parties. Maybe not Maenads: continue on.

5) Is anyone trying to nurse something not of their species?
Yes: At this point, I'm putting even money on Maenads.
No: Maybe not Maenads, but it's a good test of your social adjustment whether it got weird here, earlier, or if it's about to go off the deep end: continue on.

6) Have your companions torn any children or small animals to shreds?
Yes: Okay, this is more than a bit freaky. Getting warmer on the Maenads (or sociopaths).
No: Maybe not Maenads, and you're not an accessory to crime! Good for you: continue on.

7) If you answered "yes" to question 6: Are people eating the raw flesh of animals they just ripped up?
Yes: Probably a good bet at this point that they're either Maenads or sociopaths, but I suggest you have someone send you an urgent text message so you have an excuse to get out of there either way.
No: Maybe not Maenads: if they were ripping things apart and not eating it, you've totally got sociopaths, at least.

8) Has anyone hit a rock with her dildo-looking-thing and caused the stone to spring milk, wine, and honey?
Yes: Totally Maenads. GTFO.
No: Still maybe not Maenads, but if you've gotten this far and haven't ruled it out, you really need to reconsider what parties you go to!
Tags: amusement, myth, writings
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