Chronarchy (chronarchy) wrote,

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Some of my favourite theories

I was inspired today. Here are some theories I cooked up in a fit of artistic craziness:

The Pizzagirl Theory:

In which a man (or woman, in our modern times) orders pizza on a specific night and at a specific time in order to have the hot pizzagirl deliver a pizza. A tip of not less than 50% is given each time in the hopes that one day she will write her name and phone number on the box.

The Pizzaboy Theory:

In which a young man who has watched too much porn decides to get a job with "prospects" only to find out that his job is really just minimum wage, hellish, and dangerous. And he never gets laid by a party of 7 girls in tiny nightgowns. Alternatively termed "The Copy Machine Repairman Theory".

The Hot Waitress Theory:

In which men patronizing a particular bar/restraunt/dive will leave a tip for "scenery" as well as good service.

The Hot Waiter Theory:

In which hot waiters get a lot more money than hot waitresses.

The Feminist Wait-Staff Theory:

In which either the Hot Waitress Theory or the Hot Waiter Theory are described as "wrong", because "scenery" is not a valid reason to tip more, even though "atmosphere" is still a good reason to pay extra for the meal. This theory describes a sexist thing that men do, despite the fact that the hot waiter will be better tipped by desperate women than the hot waitress will be tipped by desperate men.

The Hot Retail Girl Theory:

In which a man will always choose the checkout aisle with the hottie, even if he has to stand in a slightly larger line. Often, they even do this when out shopping with a significant other.

The Hot Coffee-Shop Girl Theory:

In which a man aged around 45 will hit on the girl behind the counter during morning rush hour, annoying everyone else in line. The girl will often be flirtatious in return, but will state the following in the employee break-room: "God, he's a creep!"

The Men Can Do Any Technical Job Theory:

In which men are expected to fix plumbing, electrical fixtures, temprature problems, computer problems, furnaces, A/C units, water main breaks, and lumberjacking issues merely because they have a penis (which is like having a certification in any of the above problems). Due to these expectations, a situation is created where men believe they can do all the above issues themselves as well. This theory leads to half of all ER visits in a given year.

The Girls Can't Do Technical Jobs Theory:

In which any person calling any remotely technical help line will ask to speak with "A man" or "Someone who knows more" simply because the voice on the other end sounded feminine. This theory also covers men who try to tell the female tech support agent how to fix the problem.

The Girls Can't Do Technical Jobs Correllary:

In which women will answer their door for a service call in their underwear and be immediately embarrassed when they see a woman with a tool box on the other side.

The Hot Pagan Of Eligible Gender Theory:

In which you meet a good-looking Pagan of your preferred gender persuasion, and find out (usually through a third party the next morning) that s/he is taken, of a different (and sometimes scarier) sexual persuasion than you, or isn't nearly so good-looking once you finally sobered up and saw him/her in the daylight.

The Tech Support Peanut Butter Conspiracy Theory:

In which you suddenly realize that new computers must come packaged with peanut butter sandwiches, that warranties require you to call tech support after fixing a peanut butter sandwich, and that no one ever drinks milk with thier peanut butter sandwiches.

The Relation Who Knows Everything About Computers Theory:

In which every man, woman, and child on this planet has a close relation who knows everything about computers, and obviously knows more than you.

The Cute Fluffy Bunny Theory:

In which you discover that cute Fluffy Bunnies are good for two things only: fucking and more fucking. Actually, this is more of a law.
Tags: amusement, theories

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